Impossible child.

[zerosanity]

Need some advice. Have a 10 year old that has always had bad behaviour and attitude but recently things have gotten much worse and he has started to become slightly sociopathic. He has no remorse for anyone else's feelings, he doesn't listen to any instructions and laughs when he knows I'm stressed, he is constantly lying, stealing, bullying his younger brother, swearing, hitting his dad and running away from home. (He jumps out of windows so we have had to lock all the windows and we keep the door locked with keys in our bedroom at all times. The police have been involved a few times in just the last month in regards to him going missing and they've had to find him and bring him home and talk to him). He refuses any punishment such as time out, writing apology letters, chores etc and when things are taken from him like iPad, phone or he is grounded and not able to go out he causes chaos in the house and has huge anger outbursts banging on the walls, screaming, throwing things around and smashing things which goes on for hours. I've told my partner that if things don't change I'm going to have to move out because my mental health is rapidly deteriorating. (I'm not mum) I am being terrorised in a place I thought was home.

Any advice?
He has been referred to CAMHS but could be months and months before the first initial appointment. I need a miracle :(

You need professional help - for your son and the whole family.

Did you never seek support before?

The kids have a social worker from when they were previously living with mum. My partner had told them countless times about this behaviour and they just said it was because the needed routine and rules etc. However the more routines and rules we have put in, the worse it has got. They now have a clear routine, clear boundaries and we use reward charts and routine charts to track progress. My partner has been massively let down by social services who have only just realised how bad it is when my partner has explained that he can't deal with this behaviour anymore because of the stress and depression it is causing. They have only just done a CAMHS referral 2 years into having social services and the children have had a family intervention worker and an activity worker come out to do weekly sessions with them in which nothing has worked. If we have to wait months and months for counselling I'd be willing to see if there is maybe some sort of medication that he can go on but I don't know how my partner would feel. I'm anti meds as it is but I'd try anything at the moment. It's bringing everyone down. The younger brother has ADHD and trying to help him whilst he's massively behind in school as well as dealing with a 10 year old with behavioural problems is getting too much for everyone. The youngest says everyday how he doesn't want his brother to live with us anymore because he is constantly bullied etc. Its so sad.

Bump

It does sound like he has been let down by social services - it is possible that is suffering from an undiagnosed neurological condition that makes it difficult for him to align himself to the norms we expect, the fact that one of the sibling has ADHD dramatically increases the probability that other siblings also have it. Some of the behaviors that you describe can be associated with ADHD and ASD so he really needs to be seen by a development pediatrician or child psychologist. You don'n need social services to do this, you can to go to your GP and make him start the process of referrals.

I don't think he's got any problems mentally apart from anger issues. But things have dramatically worsened in the last few weeks. I am about 99.9% sure at this point that CAMHS and any other form of therapy/counselling is not going to work for this child. I think the only thing that can change his behaviour is for him not to be in this family anymore. He's said various times how he doesn't want to be here and doesn't want his dad to be his dad anymore etc. I've read something on another post about voluntarily placing a child in temporary foster care. We have asked the social services what our options are for this and they are not willing to go ahead with any option to remove him from the house. But personally I think that child is at risk by staying here when he's constantly running away, getting in with the wrong crowds, and he's going to end up dead or arrested soon if he keeps running away and hanging around with friends who are stealing etc

Without judging, and implying that he has no underlying neurological conditions, it is hard to grasp how a 10 year has walked such a path to the point that he wants to leave his family and you worry that he will be either be arrested or found dead one day... as he is only a little boy. I do hope that he gets the support that he needs, this kind of anger and behavior is not normal in a 10 year old and must stem from somewhere. A big hug for you, and hope that things do eventually get better.

His behaviour comes from the neglect and abuse he received from his mum and mums boyfriend. But he treats us the way he feels about his mum and her boyfriend. The thing is, the life he had before was one with no rules, he could play console whenever he wanted, eat what he wanted because he had to just grab snacks from the cupboard, and roam the streets on his own (this was when he was 7) he also had main cater responsibility of his younger brother who was only 3 at the time. But since my partner has taken them on on his own, they have been introduced to routines and rules and boundaries and punishments and he doesn't like it. He wants the old life because he doesn't see how good he gets it here. But this has been going on for the entire 2 years that they've been in my partners care. We're both at an end now with this behaviour, we've tried all sorts of methods and everything the social has suggested hasn't worked. He's finally decided he wants relief from it all for his and my own mental health and the social won't take him. The child has driven everyone to a point where he's not wanted here anymore and it sucks and that may make us sound selfish but we are in a dark place mentally. The only thing stopping my partner saying he's depressed to the point where he can't look after them anymore is because he doesn't want the youngest to be taken because he's fine on his own. It's sad

Carer* not cater

Haven't read in detail but sounds like attachment difficulties given his past history of neglect and abuse. I would look into parenting courses for parenting a child with attachment difficulties. There's an online course you can do called the Solihull approach.

I was going to say attachment issues too, given the history. He needs therapeutic support and you and DH need support to parent therapeutically.

But it doesn’t sound like social services are being helpful.

I am going on a triple P parenting course in September but my partner refuses to go because it's group sessions and he will only do 1 to 1. But September seems so far away when every day feels like an eternity when he is behaving this way :(

Triple P will be good for giving you the behavioural strategies, but you need something more in depth that will help you deal with the emotions..anger, fear etc. This is because children with attachment difficulties are complex, it's not a reflection on you. I would be asking the social worker what groups/ courses you can attend specifically for parents of children with attachment difficulties. I agree, it doesn't sound like your social worker is being very helpful otherwise this would have been suggested already. CAMHS will be able to support with the therapeutic work but some ground work needs to happen first as I have suggested. Plus there will likely be a long wait before the therapeutic work begins.