4 year olds

[Carbery1]

Help please, my grandson is becoming more and more difficult he’s great/well behaved/pleasant at pre-school but aggressive, violent, moody, grunts, screams, angry, and generally very unpleasant to everyone at home, it’s unbearable how awful he is.
Any advice is greatfully received

If he can behave at nursery he can behave at home,boundaries, rules and consequences to his action need to be used at home. Eg loss of toys, time out.

What makes him act like this? What sets him off?

Thank you for replying, He’s well behaved at nursery and yes you’d hope he could be the same at home, but he’s angry at the slightest thing, I’m his grandmother and if I FT he just gets mad, he grunts, screams, throws things, makes a noise like a wild animal, honestly even though I love him he’s awful 😢

Anything can set him off, we’ve tried consequences to bad behaviour and he just screams, we’ve tried withholding tv, toys, sweets etc and he’s just awful, I’d like to have him live with me for a week, I would definitely impose a strict regime to try and break this bad attitude

Why are you having to deal with this and not his parents? They should be parenting him effectively so when he's with you he's well behaved.

It is when he’s with his parents he’s not as bad with me, still whingy but not as bad

My 4 yo DD is exactly the same. But she's keeping her shit together all day at nursery & feels 'safe' enough at home to let her anxiety out. It's tough being a 4 yr old. They are given more credit than they deserve. They've no idea what's going on & are being totally bombarded with lessons, learning, new experiences, rules, restrictions, sensory overload all day without their safe adults around. They're anxious & just need to vent when they get home & feel safe again.

When I remember to empathise I give them extra attention even when it feels counter-intuitive to do so - esp when DD is growling at me but the 'time in' rather than out does help. Bribery however makes things worse I always find.

We've recently started talking about how we can all be lovely lions sometimes or we can be rude monkeys. Whenever she growls/scowls/moan/screams we ask her which she'd rather be. It took a while but now she understands that it's a choice & that being a rude monkey makes her & others sad but a lovely lion makes us all feel happier. I find it disarming for all of us too whereas the growling (and my previous responses too) definitely triggered me before!

Hoping it's all just a phase of course!

Thank you so much, we’ll try the rude monkey/ lovely lion 🦁 and hope that works Thank You really appreciate your advice xx

Hi there, the website Aha Parenting is amazing for describing why punishments don’t work. The articles talk about how to connect with your child and how to avoid getting into the ‘naughty’ cycle.
Also the brilliant book ‘How to Talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk’ was an absolute godsend - changed my household overnight.
I know it seems a hassle to go and buy a book, but really the first chapter is all that most people need!

Children who are angels at school and difficult at home are often struggling and unable to express their distress except where they feel safest, around the people who love them.

Oddly enough, school may be the source of the stress that's leading to the behaviour at home.

Try to watch for triggers, listen and ask questions, rather than punishing.

Managing behaviour has to start with understanding the reasons behind it. Until you do, sanctions and rewards are pointless.