Controlled Crying - Just how awful is it? and does it work?

[helencharade]

Anyone out there tried controlled crying? DH and I are thinking that we're going to have to start as our DD is sleeping appallingly and we're exhausted and desperate! Hate the idea of letting her cry but literally think it's the only thing we can do now.

Would love to know what its like!!

I hope I didn't make you feel battered, Helen. If I did, I'ms sorry. It's just that you asked for opinions of cc, and I do feel very strongly about it. I hope you make the decision that's right for your family.

helen, I hope we didn't make you feel battered on this thread

but your posts weren't saying to me "look I need to do this, give me advice " (in which case I think most of us would have stayed away). They were saying "this is a last resort and I don't know what else to do".

In the situation you described I wouldn't CC. I would want to try alternatives first.

(am not trying to batter you further, btw, am explaining rationale for post)

Thanks everyone.

Sorry if I was a bit dramatic yesterday but was feeling truly exhausted and very emotional...as I guess you can see.

CC is a last resort for us. As I said i am worried about the pshycological effects for both us and our DD but think that the effects of CC will be less than that of a mummy who cries all the time and is quickly loosing her patience because she is simply so tired.

I feel that other than the pick up/put down walk out of the room thing we have exhausted every other avenue. For months we have battled on with methods which didn't involve crying or leaving our DD but at the end of it we still weren't getting enough sleep.

Sleep is a constant subject for us and has been a constant and recurring issue for the past year.

I am someone who not long ago said to a friend 'I will never try cC' but unfortuantely circumstances have overtaken us and we feel that it is the only way we are going to get some proper sleep anytime soon. I feel sick at the thought of doing it but I'm worried about the consequences for my family if we don;t get some sleep soon.

We are going to try the pick up/put down thing but think in our case it won't be much different.

Sorry this is so long but felt I had to explain.

Just to reiterate...please buy Dr. Ferber's book. It really does give a great explanation of what is happening in the actual physical process of going to sleep and it will help you work a method that suits you.

Thanks Sofia. I'll be getting my mitts on a copy asap!

Good luck. We had great success with cc with our ds (first child) and only limited success with our dd. Some of it is just personality dependent.

Hi helencharade. Like you, I decided to do CC as a last resort after trying everything else (cosleeping, etc). It is all very well for people to say that they are against CC and that there are 'other methods' but what is one supposed to do when all these other ways have been tried and failed?

My DD1 always slept well but DD2 is a different matter. At her worst she was waking every 45 mins and staying awake for up to 2 hours EVERY NIGHT. I thought I was going to go mad with exhaustion.

Anyway to cut a long story short we did a watered down method of CC on DD when she was about 9 months old. Her sleep improved and she was much happier during the day. She still wakes about 3 times a night (she's 13 months now) but I just feed her and put her back down. I would love her to sleep through but I guess she's not ready yet. We didn't use CC to get her to sleep through, but to get her to sleep for more than 45 mins at a time!

It worked for us and I have no regrets. Our situation was pretty extreme and I really don't see what else we could have done. I don't think we were doing my daughter any favours by not sorting out her sleep difficulties.

Only you can know if it is the right thing to do for your child. I don't know of anyone who has used the method with love and kindness who believes that their child has been 'damaged' as a result.

Good luck and much sympathy, sleep deprevation is HORRID.

i did a mixture of CC and PUPD (pick up put down) where i did let her cry, then went in saying shush shush and patted her back, left again, went in again, shush shush etc... sleepy time, so i didn't actually pick her up, but just lay her back down again and left.

it did take quite a few nights and we do go through bad periods again, but much better now than she was. quite often she will come into our room now at 4 or 5am get into our bed and go back to sleep but that is fine with me.

top tip: call it "settling herself" rather than "controlled crying" - because that's what you're doing.

also get a video monitor or place a mirror strategically so you can see her but she can't see you. then you know whether she is lying down moaning (nearly asleep) or standing up hollering and needs to be laid down. Though you will probably be able to tell!

hi my 8and half mths old baby can roll from back to front but can not roll from tummy to back. she can sit from tummy position but then she does not know how to lie down. so she sits in her cot and cries till we come to put her back on her back. She loves it so much that each time we put her down she turns herself on her tummy and goes to sitting position. So i started to give her dummy in the night too, but it become a big problem, she will not go to sleep without it and sits till i come. she use to sleep from 7-7pm no dummy, or rocking, just put her to cot and leave. Now i dont know if I should leave her to cry as she can not lie down by herself Does anyone has the same problem and can help? Thanks a lot.

zuzka - i'm dealing with almost the exact same situation. my 7.5 ds rolls to his stomach and then doesn't roll back and then cries for me. I was going in to flip him over for about a week and a half and then i decided to let him cry. Now he cries for a bit and then just sleeps on his stomach. Perhaps if your dc is tired enough he will just fall from sitting position to lying down?

I ended up resorting to controlled crying with dd2. I was not happy about doing it, but i had reached breaking point and it was a last resort..... hate to admit it, but it worked - very quickly!

dd2 was still sleeping in our bedroom, usually our bed although occationally in her cot in the corner at 10 months. She was still breastfeeding every 1 1/2 hours through the night and day, refused all solids, and cried constantly because she was so tired all of the time. During the day she would only sleep in my arms (and i had ds1 at 2 1/2 to look after aswell) and at night she would only fall asleep at the breast. If she awoke as i tried to put her down for the night we had to start the whole feed again until she was asleep..... this sometimes went on for up to 3 hours!

I was at breaking point so reluctantly agreed to try controlled crying. The first night she screamed for 45 minutes - i cried for 1 1/2 hours as i felt so guilty! The second night she sreamed so hard she threw up but was asleep within an hour (after being cleaned up of course!)
The third night it was 20 minutes of on off complaining and she went to sleep. Withing a week she was sleeping through the night, stopped her constant crying during the day, and turned into the delightful child she is today.

I actually wish i had done it at 6/7 months instead!

ps.... i knew i was going to really struggle to stick to my guns so carried a clock around with me and actually resorted to writing a timetable!!!

7.00 leave the room
7.02 go back
7.03 leave the room
7.05 go back......!!!!!

dh thought i had gone potty but it worked!

The other thing to remember is that you are not 'leaving' them to cry..... you are helping them learn to fall asleep by themselves. I had to keep repeating this as a mantra over and over to myself!

Good luck x

I am so sympathetic to you helencharade as I know how it can feel to have no alternative when you're that tired; I only just manage with my 6 month year old who is extremely hard to settle.
But it does bother me when CC is recommended whilst ignoring scientific studies on it which apparently show that the stress hormones affect the developing brain, leaving children more prone to depression later on etc. Perhaps many children don't suffer any ill affects, but I read a very convincing book on this and even if CC makes life easier I'm not going to risk there being a cost.

I am intotal agreement with looseleaf on her point, certainly in babies under 6/7 months. I even threw a health visitor out of my house when dd was 3 weeks old after she told me i was spoiling her because she cried and i picked her up straight away! However, i also believe that in some situations like mine for example an older baby who is toytally unable to fall asleep unaided is suffering hugely because of lack of sleep and exhaustion...... it's difficult for us to deal with, but the babies in question are just as sleep deprived! The difference in my daughter after the controlled crying (at 10 months) was increadible. she went from being so miserable all the time to being a delight to be with all day. It was only seeing this difference that really confirmed to me that cc is sometimes the right choice - i was so anti before hand i felt like a complete hypocrite! There are slower ways to acheive the same results that are a lot 'softer' (mainly on the parents!) but in our case i wonder how much longer that would have left dd exhaused and miserable because she was unable to fall asleep on her own?? xxx

Maybe I should not give her dummy either and quit it streight away now, I have been in her room during the night 4 times to give her dummy. As I was use to her sleeping though from 3 mths old, its hard to be beeing awake all night long. Also from 5 am she would sis in her cot again and winge there, till I came. I am just worried that most of the time she is in the corner if the cot and has no place in front of her, so she would have to through herself back. I am wondering if I should wait till she stars crawling ( she is alredy on her knees, but can not make a step yet)so I will know she can move around the cot if she wants and then leave her cry, or to take an advise from 'daisythedog' to jsut leave her so she learns to sleep on her tummy. we had a video monitor which stopped working, specially now when I really need it. Oh well,.. Anyway thanks a lot for suggestions and if you have any advise again pls let me know.

Did CC with DD1 at 9 months. She had been settling herself fine, but then started crying. I put it off for about a month, but then did it. 1st night 55 mins of crying, 2nd night 25 mins, 3rd night 5mins, then on never a problem (4.5 now). Yes it is horrible, but it does work for most babies. I know someone who still has to lie down next to their 6 yo to get her to go to sleep - they have never tried CC.
DD2 - from the start has been left to settle herself and never has a problem going to sleep. Wouldn't hestitate to do CC with any future babies after 7 or 8 months age. HTH

Hi

I am new to mumsnet and am looking for some advice. I have a 10th month old daughter who currently does not have any real routine. I have started as from last night to attempt to do CC. She has her bath at 7pm ish, I then tried to give her some milk but she flately refused it as she only normally has milk in my arms when she is really tired and tends to fall asleep on it. I then put her in her cot awake and had about 1/2 hour of constant screams, she then proceeded to be sick twice. after the 2nd time I picked her up and she fell asleep on my shoulder. Can any of you please advise if your babies were sick through cc and if I should carry on with it.

Hi Emmywoo

There are some strong views each way on this but I decided I didn't want to go through controlled crying.
I bought a book 'The No Cry Sleep Solution' (can't remember who by but it'll be on Amazon). My DD was about 5mths ish and we were stuck with going to sleep on my boob/in our arms. It took a good few weeks before we could just put her down asleep and then leave her but it was worth it.

Hi
Thanks for replying so quickly. What is your routine?

Can any one help me? I dont know if controlled crying is worth me trying, but my DD, 7 months, has a bedtime routine bath at 6.30 then a bedtime bottle which she always falls asleep having. So when she wakes in the night the only way I can settle her is to give her a bottle. I would be really grateful if any one could give me some suggestions for how to give a bedtime bottle without her falling asleep. And then if they would reccommend CC for her at 7 months.
Thank you

Hi Gemma 123,
I am having the same prob, my girl is 10mths old and always falls asleep on bottle in my arms, I have been advised by hv to do cc but tried it one night and my LO got so worked up and upset she was sick.. I really want to have a structured routine where she plays, bath, bottle (stays awake for) and then goes into cot awake and falls alseep. She has also started to stir in night as well which is nearling killing me as I have gone back to work. If I hear of any recommendations I will let you know, please keep in contact and let me know how you get on also.

Thank you for replying to me. She is such a good baby but I would just love a good nights sleep. I have tried to wake her after her bottle but its impossible to do and I feel really cruel. A friend suggested for the night time feeds to gradually reduce the scoops of formula, so last night I did 5 scoops to 7 oz and tonight I will do 3 to 7 oz so eventually she will wake in the night to just water and realise there is not a proper feed. But I dont think this will solve anything as I dont think she knows how to go to sleep without a bottle. I feel really awful as she is not getting a proper night sleep and I feel it is my fault for letting her fall asleep so many times with the bottle. Even in the day she falls asleep for her naps having a bottle.

i tried cc with ds2 about 3 times and each time gave up because i couldnt do it. by the time he got to 20months i was completely at the end of my teether and tired as he was getting up 7 times a night so gave it another go and within 3 nights he went to bed fine and slept right through. so in answer, yes it is very hard and i think you need to try either when u are feeling strong or completely desperate to be able to c it through, but the good news it definitly does work and often just within a few nights. good luck. hopefully together u can do it but if not recruit others to help, when i finally did it, as im single i spent the evening on the phone with a friend to give me extra support otherwise i would of spent the evening sobbing as i listened to him cry

Sorry for a slow reply after my very quick one emmywoo!

My daughter is now 2.5 so it was a while back but we were doing bath about 7pm then staying upstairs in dark room with her. Trouble was I was up there for hours because every time I tried to get her in cot (having fed her to sleep) she'd wake and we'd have to start again.

After reading the book I mentioned, which talks a lot about props, I bought a dummy as a boob substitute so that I could get her lying in her cot at least. This seemed to work though she thought it was quite a novelty and generally played with it.

I also started singing the same lullaby over and over until she went to sleep (well I was desperate and by the end of my singing so was she!) as another 'prop'.

By the end of a couple of weeks we could put her in her cot, sing a couple of rounds of 'rock a bye baby' then leave.

I have to say I was really chuffed that we managed to get her into this habit without controlled crying because I'd had a little pressure off my MIL saying we'd have to do it at some point. My DP was starting to believe her so I was extremely smug and took pleasure in pointing this out to him!

Whatever you try - good luck and you will get through it!