Controlled Crying - Just how awful is it? and does it work?

[helencharade]

Anyone out there tried controlled crying? DH and I are thinking that we're going to have to start as our DD is sleeping appallingly and we're exhausted and desperate! Hate the idea of letting her cry but literally think it's the only thing we can do now.

Would love to know what its like!!

My children are eating croissants and dulche de leche - come on over, everyone, I'll get the coffee on!

Helen - I really don't mean to sound unsympathetic, and I do know how awful it is when they don't sleep. But I really do believe that letting a child cry and not go to them is bad for both the child and the parent. I know a lot of people do it and it works fine - I just think that they and their children are made of tougher stuff than me and mine! And, honestly, from what you've said, you and yours.

What worked for us was, once they moved out of our bed at about 12 months ish, they had futons on the floor to sleep on. We always got them to sleep in their own rooms, sitting with them if they wanted it, putting on a story tape when they were older. Then if the woke in the night they came in with us, They could come by themselves because of the futons, so they just got in and went back to sleep - often without waking us up. It worked for us. I always try to go for the least stressful solution - even if people shake their heads and do the "rod for your own back"argument. What's not to like about a little person cuddling down with you - particularly if you know they are going to sleep better there so you get more sleep too? Sorry - long. I'll shut up now.

I see it as basically one and the same thing Helen. Put down. You have to leave the room at some point, non ?

So would I just leave the room close the door and go straight back in and lie her down (as she would be crying as soon as I closed the door) and repeat till she goes to sleep?

Kate I see what you're saying...however on the crying thing. If my daughter wants something in the day and I have said she can't have it, I don't give in simply because she's crying. In fact in she cries i never give in. It's only around the issue of sleep that I find it contentious.
I would quite happily have my DD in our bed but she kicks me now so i don't get any sleep that way either! Personally I think she's still too little for a bed

Anyone out there who has succesfully used CC, feel I got some really constructive advice esterday....anyone tell me exactly how upset your baby got?

I had to do a form of CC about a month ago with DD when she starting waking again as I got too pregnant to continuously pick her up without putting my back out and DH was doing a lot of late shifts so wasn't around.
I basically went in everytime she cried and laid her down if she was standing or patted/stroked her back until she stopped crying.
The second she stopped I would say 'Night night' and leave the room, closing the door, if she started again I went straight back in again and either rolled her onto her side and patted her back while 'shh'ing or lay her down again, depending if she had stood up or not. I found that after a few goes of this I only had to open the door and 'shh' her and she would stop crying.

It took a good hour and a half the first night and I didn't get further than the top of the stairs, but after about 4 or 5 days she slept through.

I had to do it this way as I couldn't bear the thought of CC but I also couldn't physically do what I was doing before.

Good luck though, it's hard work!

aw helen, i DO know how you feel, i think. I have 2 bad sleepers, but dd was appalling. I was severely tempted by CC when dd was about 18 months, but talked it through on here and decided to hold out for a bit longer. And then dd started sleeping!

Personally, before i tried CC, I'd co-sleep but give it a real go. First, kicking you in the head is not ok. If she does that, one way round it is for you to move round so you are next to her. But also, explain to her that if she does that, she WILL have to go in her cot. You do need to be firm about not being kicked, IMO, if its deliberate, its quite fair to do this.

You need a big bed, with just you and her in it for the first few nights.

There is absolutely no way CC would have benefited dd. She is, at night, quite timid and clingy . In the day she is actually quite confident, and getting increasingly so, but this is very much subject to me being there (this need is decreasing). Some kids can clearly take it-ds might have been ok. But it would not have helped her at all. Do remember that-kids are very different, different things work for them.

oh one other thing. A LOT of kids I know seem to be sleeping badly atm, I think because of the long days.

Is there any way that you can get sleep? Hang on, is you partner helping here? Could you do shifts and go to bed early ?

And remember-this is TEMPORARY. She WILL be sleeping better soon, whatever you do.

She did get very upset but only until I got to her the first time as it takes me awhile to get up the stairs! (snot and tears all over the place! Nice!)
That is the reason I did it this way is she would only get a wail or a couple of sobs before I was back in the room again so she didn't get really distraught.

She did start chucking her favourite teddy out and calling for it after a few days as she realised that crying wasn't going to get her picked up, but when she realised that didn't work she was okay.
I also put lots of toys in her cot after my mum pointed out that I used to sleep with about 20 things to do in my cot. She has 2 books, a teether rattle thing, a toy phone, a jingly ball, 2 teddies, a blanket and her music mobile that she can turn on and off. On the odd occasion something has woken her she plays with these and goes back to sleep after about 5 or 10 minutes but with no crying.

Sorry, am rambling today!

I should probably hve pointed out that she only kicks me when she's asleep. she's not doing it on purpose, she is just a wriggly sleeper!

As I say co-sleeping worked really well for us for a long time but when she got so wriggly it just became impossible. When we initially started keeping her in her oct all night it worked great and now she wants to stay in there.

My Dh husband is around but takes a long time to wake int he night so i'm fully awake before he's even stirred. But he's exhausted too now by all of the disturbances in the night.

Chirpygirl...this sounds like it may work, a bit like pick up/put down. Sounds likr ih may need more perseverance and patience but may be easier on our hearts!

That was what made me decide, I did do 'proper' CC, against all my insincts, and I suppose PG hormones made it worse. It ended after about 10 minutes with us both on the floor of her bedroom hugging and in floods of tears!

It is different for everyone though, if I wasn't pregnant I may have found it easier, but, exhausting as it was, I am glad I did it this way.

And DH is the same, by the time I have woken him and poked him to go into her I could have had her back asleep myself! bloody selective hearing!

Chirpygirl's method sounds really sensible. She will know you haven't abandoned her, but she will get the message that she has to sleep in her cot.

Like she says, the first time will take ages so pick the right time to start - maybe at a weekend where DH can give you moral support.

Good Luck with it!

Chirpygirl, has explained, perfectly, what I was trying to say, in her 9.28 post.
Loving, but firm, no nonsense. No crying, but she knows you are there.
To me, that is not CC. It is a more gentle approach. And I personaly, like that. There are many CC threads for you to look at, if you think CC is more suitable for you.
What do you feel comfortable with ?

Yes, yews, like Jojay says, you have to be prepared, calm, yourself. With dh for support. Becasue even this, for a few nights is a bit draining.
But less draining than no sleep and being exhausted, which is what you are at the moment

Thanks for your support. There'll still be lots of crying doing it this way as she screams whenever I move an inch from her cot. Going to talk it over with DH when he gets home from work tonight. Not sure what we'll decide but we're on holiday for a coupl of weeks and we're hoping to start it a week on tuesday. Not sure how i'm going to last that long but we're going to be away for a bit so don't think its a good idea to start till then.
Thanks so much for helping felt really battered this morning by some other people. Had to log off cause too emotional to deal with people like that at the moment!

Bit of a hijack but thanks for your comments.
It is so hard when you know you have to do something but are not quite sure what so you have my full sympathies, helen!

Whatever you do decide DH has reminded me that I had a drink, snacks and a book outside DD's bedroom door so that I didn't have to just loiter on the landing waiting to see if she would stay quiet or start crying again as she woudl stop for about 5 minutes, just long enough to get downstairs and comfy on the sofa, and then start again!

Thanks chirpy girl. That's a great tip. Definately one we'll be employing as we normally eat when we DD has gone to bed.

On a positive note, I have only just spotted that you said you are going away, I find DD sleeps better when we are away as she gets so overexcited and hyperactive she wears herself out....fingers crossed your DD is the same!

Don't feel 'got at' it's just that CC is such an emotive subject! And don't forget a supportive comment can come across really badly when written down so I don't think anyone was intentionally upsetting you. But then when you are knackered it doesn't take much!

Does she still have a nap in the day? I found that the only way I could stay human was to get at least half an hour in while she was asleep in the afternoon!

and didn't mean that you upset me chirpy girl. You made me feel re-assured. x

Hmm, lots of exclamation makrs in that post, can you tell I have just had my coffee....

We are hoping for some good sleep when we're away as she'll be in a travel cot in our room. She does have an afternoon sleep....will definately be having a lie down.

You're totally right I probably am taking things the wrong way, am completely over-sensitive at the moment

Oh, I didn't think you meant me, I just meant I'm sure the other posters didn't mean to.

I'm sure they didn't. Thanks again for your help and to all the others
x

Why were you so battered Helen - on another thread ? Thats not good. Be strong.
Why are you going to start a week tuesday ? The settling her, leaving, immediate crying, going back in. That could start tonight. You could talk her through it today. It might help a bit. I mean no point waiting, if you are at deaths door ( or sleeps door , through exhaustion) right now.
We are here to support you. Let us help you. ARe you feeling better now ?

Buy Dr. Ferber's book about doing controlled crying. He gives really great descriptions of what's actually happening when a baby goes to sleep and I found it very helpful. It also rationalized cc for me and I was able to adapt it for my own situation. I had great success with it.