Selective Deafness......

[Earlybird]

DD has a habit that is driving me mad. I have to ask her to do most everything 3, 4, 5 times or more. I then get cross and shouty and there's a bad atmosphere....which makes me even more unhappy because I don't like being cast in the ogre role.

It can be worse when she is with her pals. She is quite a sociable child, and often she and her mates get quite loud/silly - which is fine. But, sometimes the silliness escalates and requires some intervention from me. That's the point at which she ignores me completely and continues, until again, I get cross enough to finally get her attention. And then we have tears and sulking, and I am the ogre who has spoiled her fun.

I don't want to be cross/shouty with her but being ignored makes me angry. I am a reasonably patient person, but she often seems to push situations until there is a problem. We seem to be in this situation far too frequently. It's not the kind of mum I want to be.

Any suggestions?

Sounds familiar. Will watch with interest.

Any thoughts>

How old?
DS is 4.5 - and when he gets totally involved in something I have to gently take his hands (removing lego/whatever if necessary), and ask him to look at me for a minute. Then I can talk to hime (if I'm brief).
Otherwise he is capable of ignoring me/tuning me out for EVER.

She is 6.

She's a strong, opinionated, clever character who, I think, has trouble (and little interest in) 'shifting gears' when she's engaged in her own world. She hears me, but ignores what I say if she feels like carrying on with what she's doing.

sorry no advice but my nephew aged 4 is exactly the same!

I have heard people say you should quietly say something like " would you like some (or to do) x (whatever their favourite thing is)".

If they hear that - then you can defuse it by laughing and saying something like - ah - just checking your ears are working.

If they don't then they are genuinely not hearing you (probably brain disengaged rather than ears) and you need to actually get face to face and get her attention first.

This is certainly the case with my DS (almost 6) - sometimes DH and I have had an escalating conversation over his head offering all his favourite things and he has been totally unaware of it

LOL my ds is still like that when he is reading which is 90% of the time. I can offer him the world but he doesn't hear. Then again he is partially hearing in his left ear.

Post from barney2 (moved from another thread):

Mmmmm...all sounds familiar to me.

My dd exactly the same - very defiant, ignores me and I get wound up over it (which I try not to do) and she loves it.

I think the key is just to ignore her - give her a dose of her own medicine. You can shout and scream until you're blue in the face and you get cross and she ignores you all the more.

Girls get giggly and loud when they're with their mates, especially at this age - my dd is 8 and I've found she's a different child when she's with her mates - it's as if I'm to disappear into the background and if I dare to say anything she'll shun me!

Have you tried taking her to one side, away from friends, on her own and having a chat with her? I know 6yrs old is quite young but it may be worth asking her why she is like this - have you tried depravation? Ie no tv, no pocket money, take toys away until she can be nicer and show more respect etc?

throckenholt - good suggestion. One time I had asked dd to do something multiple times with no response/reaction. Finally, I raised my voice and said 'I've asked you to do this 5 times, and I'm not going to ask again'. DD looked at me and said 'actually Mummy, you've asked me 4 times'. I looked and said 'aha....so you did hear me'.

I suppose often they are completely aware they're ignoring/disobeying, but whatever they're doing holds so much appeal that they'll keep it up as long as they can.

I don't know what it is with kids these days but when I was a young girl I would live in fear of my Mum having to tell me off. I'm talking many years ago - back in the 70's - but if my Mum was cross with me I would be so scared - she never hit me but to cause her to be angry with me was a definite no-no and if she ever said 'wait till your Father gets home'...well, I'd wet my pants at that point!

I've had a day of it with my eldest dd who is 8.5. She knows how to push my patience and I try so hard not to let it show that she's getting to me. I have banned all the influential tv programmes that she likes to watch because it's like living with Tracy Beaker in this house sometimes. She got so bad this morning that I got her rucksack and gave it to her and asked her to pack some clothes because she was moving out!

It's the answering back I hate. She simply can't resist it. Yet when I tell her off for answering back she says she doesn't know she's doing it!

I try to be as easy going with my kids as possible because I don't want to seem like the Mother from Hell but I do set boundaries - limited amount of time watching tv, tidy toys away before you get the next toy out, good table manners, politeness, respect for your elders, no answering back and do not forget your please and thank you.

If they play up they don't get pocket money, don't get to stay up at weekends, don't go to after school clubs, miss out on parties (yes, I've been known to cancel an invite!), ban tv, ban music, ban anything that can be banned actually. I basically take all the NICE things away, one by one, until life is that dull and boring that they start to behave and earn all the nice things back.

I'm waffling now......!!

So with you on this, earlybird. Selective deafness can make an ogre out of a saint. Sooo infuriating!
Ds is 3.11 and is so skilled at selective deafness (let's call it SD for short) that I have almost taken him to the docs for testing many a time. Of course, the offer of ice cream or tv always make the ears work all of a sudden....

I've been told they just grow out of it with time. Lots of deep breaths in the meantime.

What?

Sorry I just couldn't resist

....very good....!!!