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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Good old fashioned smacking

780 replies

heepie · 02/07/2007 13:20

I don't believe it did me any harm and I do wonder why the previous generation, ie mine, was so much better behavied than the current, ie my kids. I find the softly softly, ignore bad reward good behaviour does not work with a strong willed child and find myself more and more thinking what was wrong with a good old smack? Peeing on the floor right in front of you with a big smile on the face surely warrants more than the removal of a star on the reward chart? And whacking little brother over the head with a heavy object? Not eating something very nice and edible that I have slaved over in the kitchen? Why must we never tell our children to eat what is in front of them when I wasn't allowed to leave the table until I was finished? I don't have an eating disorder. I think it's time I through all the modern how to bring up children books out of the window and remember how it was done when I was a child? Anyone else feel this way?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

MilaMae · 04/07/2007 14:26

Psweudonym I really don't like your assumption that those of us who follow routines are more likely to smack our children.

I follow routines but would never in a million years smack any of my children.

If I lived in eternal chaos with absolutely no routine and 3 kids under 4 then life would be pretty intolerable for all of us. I would be far more stressed than I already am and probably a lot less nicer to be around.

McDreamy · 04/07/2007 14:32

I agree that all those scenarios you describe are also a form of bullying. But they are not under discussion here - and I don't use them either!

GreenRottingCod · 04/07/2007 14:35

"I do not believe it is always wrong to hit people - and I'm sure when it comes down to it, neither do you"

Why on earth not? Of course I believe that hitting people is always wrong. As do most reasonable civilised people. And hitting a child is even more wrong. Always.

nogoes · 04/07/2007 14:43

Every time I was smacked as a child which was fairly often but not every week I would go into the kitchen and take a vital ingredient of the evening meal and throw it away in retailation. Mum thought she was losing her marbles.

MilaMae · 04/07/2007 14:48

Can I just ask out of interest how many of you that don't smack like me shout instead?

I never smack but do shout so have a little empathy with those that do smack as both are a loss of control aren't they???

I shout at times, I really don't like the fact that I do and always aplogise after. I feel I should always set a good example and also not take me bad day out on the kids but parenting is so hard at times.

I don't understand why I have the self control to never smack but not to never shout.

Do all you non smackers feel like this or are you all a lot more self controled than me??? Also what do you do when you're really furious instead??? I have to say when I give a rolicking for something serious like rudeness or pinching etc they do take heed and seem dare I say it a little scared. I'm feeling very uncomfortable with this as they get older it seems to happen more. Is fear from shouting just as bad as fear from smacking????

I hope I don't seem to be digressing I do think it's related. Smacking is IMHO not right but is shouting??? If it isn't what should we be doing instead. I don't think sticker chartys are enough. I'm genuinely interested as the further I go down this parenting road the more complex it seems.

MilaMae · 04/07/2007 14:50

Sorry about the bad spelling and grammar below-sleeping child in arms.

MelbourneMum · 04/07/2007 15:04

hello all

I've not read every post on this thread but the many I have read have given me a lot of food for thought and I keep coming back to it. It has confirmed for me what I have known in my heart since the moment I had my children, smacking is not an option for us. I have smacked them, very rarely, and I have decided tonight that I will never do it again. I've just gone into their bedroom and kissed their precious sleeping faces and made that promise to them and it feels right. This is in no way a dig at any parent who choose to smack, its just about my little family and what is right for us and the type of mother I want to be for my boys and its simply not one that hits them, ever. For all the angst on this thread, you've all contributed to a turning point and fresh start in the morning for one family. So thank you heebie for starting it and thanks all for your comments.
Night night

MelbourneMum · 04/07/2007 15:05

apologies for the rubbish grammar in my post, its very late

lucyellensmum · 04/07/2007 15:22

blimey, this one is going on and on - bloss, do you have verbal diarroeah? heavens, you can type, not that ive read your posts and formed opinions.

Heres my opinion on the whole thing - i used to smack DD1 (shes 17 now), shes not damaged as a person, shes a great kid, v confident and knows her way in life, but i do feel it damaged our relationship. I wont be smacking DD2 (shes 2).

Original poster

heepie · 04/07/2007 15:24

Good point Milamae. When I have smacked it has been calmly with a warning that it is coming if the behaviour doesn't change. She is never particulary shocked or disturbed when she does get a smack. What she learns is that her behaviour was unacceptable and I was not prepared to let it continue. On the occassion that I actually lose my temper, I yell at her. She then has a look of shock and fear on her face which makes me so sad and I know that is much more harmful for her. I always apologise to her saying "it is wrong for mummy to yell but she was winding me up doing whatever and that was wrong too". Yelling teaches her I have lost control.

OP posts:

lucyellensmum · 04/07/2007 15:25

thats brilliant melbourne mum And i do think that certain things work for certain families and not for others.

lucyellensmum · 04/07/2007 15:29

heepie, i agree that yelling at your children is worse than smacking.

Judy1234 · 04/07/2007 16:05

So it's fine if it';s calm then? So your husband comes home from work and you haven't cleaned up the house as well as you should. He is not pleased. He doesn't lose his temper and slap you but instead stays very calm and does it. He's given you lots of warnings and he isn't cross. That makes it all right does it if the principle is peopple who are bigger than others have a right to hit those who are smaller than them? I am glad the law does not allow that against either children or adults.

3andnomore · 04/07/2007 16:08

Xenia, you mention down below you want all those parents that admit to smack or having smacked to be tracked down and punished...in what form? Just out of interest. This was asked lower down a few times but never answered by anyone....i.e. what would the punishment be for smacking? Would you like to see the children taken into care maybe? Or were you thinking more along the lines of a prison sentence or a fine or parenting courses?

GreenRottingCod · 04/07/2007 16:26

A fine and parenting classes sounds like a great idea to me. For the milder offenders. For anyone who leaves a mark, prison.

witchandchips · 04/07/2007 16:30

what happens to the children when the parents are in prison?
Parenting classes

maisemor · 04/07/2007 16:32

In Denmark if you hit your child/ren you have to go to meetings with the social services, and if it turns out that you are using hitting/smacking as a way of discipline, then the children will be taken away from you. Your option then would be to divorce your husband so that at least the children would stay with the one parent that believes this is not the way to discipline children.

It is considered a criminal offence (over there).

Greensleeves · 04/07/2007 16:33

I don't think children are safe with parents who hit them hard enough to leave a mark. So they would either be looked after by relatives or go into care.

It's easy to avoid - don't hit children!

3andnomore · 04/07/2007 16:37

Wow...I would have been so much better off then, being taken into care, rather than being looked after by my own mother....people really believe that?
I personally would say I disagree with that....my mum wasn't perfect, but she loved us and being in care surely is not desirable for any Kid, unless they truely would be safer there.

AnAngelWithin · 04/07/2007 16:37

im sorry but how the hell cam you smack calmly?? and if she doesnt show any shock to it then why the hell are you bothering to smack an innocent child?? she may not show much reaction but i am sure you are hurting her inside more.

3andnomore · 04/07/2007 16:39

I assume that people mean leaving a mark means redness appears...or are people thinking about proper bruises/swelling if they talk about marking...because obviously if you end up with that then you didn't get a smack you were beate (un;less of course the person receiving a smack may have one of thsoe conditions that leaves bruises ever so lightly....)

Greensleeves · 04/07/2007 16:39

I think a short spell in care while a parent is in prison for assault - during which time they would be made to attend parenting classes and undergo counselling - would be well worth it, to eradicate physical punishment severe enough to mark a child.

Lots of abusive parents love their children, even the ones who abuse in much more shocking and violent ways than smacking. Loving your children isn't enough, you have to to treat them like human beings as well.

3andnomore · 04/07/2007 16:41

I still have problems with that concept of comparing the odd smack with abuse...I really do....and no, I don't think we would have been better off...especially as we are talking 70's here...come on we all know what can sadly happen to children in care...

3andnomore · 04/07/2007 16:42

not being funny, but being taken into care is hugely traumatic for a child....

AnAngelWithin · 04/07/2007 16:42

and its easy, all too easy, for the 'odd smack' to escalate into beating your child.

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