What to do with my highly strung dd ? Help me please !!!

[scatterbrain]

So - she's 6.5 - and lovely, she really is lovely. Very kind and gentle and thoughtful, intelligent and really very lovely. Behaves impeccably at school and for anyone else - but at home - well - oh boy ??

So the latest thing - dh is away and she announced this morning that she was sleeping with me the whole time he is away. Well - tbh he snores like a pig and pushes me to the edge of the bed every night - so I am actually looking forward to having my bed to myself. So I said - "not on school nights - if you're good you can sleep with me tonight though!" - cue shouting at me "I am sleeping in your bed, you're horrible etc etc" - so standing my ground I said "It's my bed - it's up to me - you are being very rude shouting at me like that - if you carry on you won't sleep with me tonight !" - cue fullscale screaming ! I told her to go to her room - she is now in full tantrum. This went on for 40 minutes - loud loud screaming whilst shouting "I'll stop it mummy, I'll stop it mummy" - I said "When you hsve stopped it let me know" and came downstairs. It continued !

She seems to just lose the plot and get into some loop where she cannot stop herself ! It's almost hysterical really.

Anyone else have this ? And anyone got any good strategies ?

Sorry - meant to say - this only happens when she doesn't get her own way - have tried not to say No to her - but we both feel she has to learn that not everything is up to her !

Appreciate some of you will say this is my fault - and I should have just let her think she could sleep in my bed - but I kind of feel she needs to learn !

I get this with my three year old dd1(who I also descirbe as highly strung) - I was hoping it gets better by age 6!

I don't think this is your fault.

My best way to deal with my 7 yo DD is either naughty corner, or pocket money

She gets £1 a week and we have a "3 strike" rule. If she's being naughty/rude I tell her that if she continues, she'll get a strike against pocket money. 3 strikes = no pocket money.

It really really works and my DD was very much like you describe yours.

I had been thinking about pocket money MamaG but she doesn't seem at all interested in money. In fact - that's another problem - apart from her special teddy there isn't much that she does care about. Dh quite often threatens to throw a toy away every time she is naughty - but she couldn't actually care less !

So - how much pocket money works for a 6.5 yr old ? Do you do it daily or weekly ?

D'Oh - you said £1 per week - sorry !

My twins are 7 and one of them is very much like this. I have tried taking away pocket money, giving extra for good behaviour, pasta jars, star charts. All of this over ther past 3 years and so far I haven't found anything that works

I don't think it's your fault at all. At the age of 6.5 she is capable of understanding sleeping with mummy as a treat but not on a school night, I would be exactly the same

I don't have any advice as I am in a similar situation but wanted to say I know where your at xxx

Thanks Magnolia - it's such a pain isn't it ?

I read this book, which I now cannot find (!) saying about picking your battles and rating all behaviours as A, B or C. C you ignore, A is a safety matter - such as holding hands to cross road - so you cannot discuss - it just has to be done, and B behaviours were those you wanted to improve ! I did try it for a while and she was better - but this morning was quite simply a tantrum for me saying "No" to her !

I might talk to her about pocket money in a while.

Yes, £1 a week. The first few times she rushed to the shops to buy anything she could lay her hands on, now she'll save up for a specific book/toy/DVD (and still blow it all on some plastic tat, some weeks!)

Maybe you could think of a weekly treat, like a DVD night with Mummy / trip to the swimming pool / whatever she really enjoys and do a three strike rule with that?

Mamag why won't that work for me????? Honsetly I m contemplating a family counsellor or something. Actually feel like theres more going on in her head than I can understand

I am feeling the same Magnolia - am just looking at ADHD sites now - but surely if they are OK at school it can't be something like that ?

I think that some children need to be 'taught' how to get themselves out of a temper tantrum. They need to be talked down so that they can learn how to talk themselves down.

It goes against the natural instinct which is often to say, come back when you are finished making a fuss, but it does work.

After about 20mins, if they are not able to control themselves, then go in and sit and talk them through what they are feelign, and try to sooth them, until they are able to talk calmly to you. Use a low comforting voice and listen carefully to what they are telling you. AIm to just quietly repeat back to them, more or less what they say to you. So you might say, 'oh dear, you seem very upset', they might say 'you won't let me sleep in your bed' you say 'I won't let you sleep in my bed, so you are upset with me?' , they say 'yes, you don't love me', you say 'you think because i won't let you sleep in my bed, I don't love you?' Then say 'can you think of all the things that I do for you, that shows how much I love you?' and so on and so on.

I think head on parenting of children who can't self-sooth, is a no win solution for either parent or child. You need to give them the skills to get over their disappointments and ignoring them doesn't do that

Good stuff soapbox - will try that. Is that along the lines of the "how to talk so children listen etc" book ?

How do people know to do this stuff ?? Is it intuitive if you are a maternal person ? I am such a bad mummy - but I had a bad mummy y'see - so I have only leaned how to shout, send to bedroom and sulk !

I need retraining or I will train dd to be a bad mummy too ! Anyone got any good book recs ?

Trial and error

My DD has always struggled to get herself back on an even keel when she gets upset (which is thankfully very rarely). After a while I realised that ignoring her made things much much worse - and that it wasn't naughty or deliberate on her part, she just couldn't get herself over it. So I realised I was going to have to do soft love rather than hard love - and it does really work. Over time (she is 9 now) she seems to be getting better at getting their for herself - but it has been a long road at times

Aha - I am not very good at this parenting malarkey !

The book I bought and have now lost somehow in this halfpacked up mess of a house - talked about how they didn't have the mechanisms to cope so they went into "meltdown" - I have got to find this book - it was good ! It talked about doing what you have suggested - to help them find a way to cope. It might have been called "The Explosive Child" - I wish I could remember !

My favourite parenting book by a long mile has a terrible title, but is fabulous. It is the manipulative child

It is quite heavy going, and doesn't kick in to remedy mode until about half way through the book. It is awesomely good though and quite holistic in its approach!

I think the book will help you a lot too - it challenges a lot of the parents preconceptions about behaviours too.

Parenting is tough, I don't think there are good and bad parents - just ones muddling through trying to find the best answers for their children. If you didn;t care - you wouldn't be here

Thank you - have just ordered it !!

It is so hard - I am fast turning into the kind of mother my mother was -and that is not a good thing !! Trouble is my dd is very very like me !

Why don't children come with instruction manuals and compulsory training courses (like puppies !)???

LOL - my sister has dogs and uses a clicker to train them. I've often thought that having children that would respond immediately to a click, in the way that aq puppy does, would be wonderful.

OTOH, some of their sweetest moments come when they are pushing boundaries, I find

Good for you to challenge what you are doing though - for recognising that you are parenting in a way that you don't feel comfortable with - and doing somethign about it!

That's really interesting soapbox. I've started using a similar technique with one of my highly strung stroppy 6 year old DDs, and it has really helped both of us. She seems to get herself into such a state that she can't calm down and I used to just think what a brat she was and what hard work she was etc etc, very negative. But actually talking to her softly and getting me to tell her how she feels really turns things around.

Easier said than done at times though .
Hope your DD has helped with this Scatterbrain.