Nearly 3 and horrendous tantrums - at my wits end - HELP!

[eliselady]

My nearly 3 year old has started having the most awful screaming hitting hysterical tantrums, which can go on for up to half an hour and can happen several times a day.

I am at my wits end to be honest and am beginning to wonder if she is turning into a seriously naughty child. To top it all she has started to wet herself on purpose during arguments or when she is on the naughty step.

How do you know what is normal?

sometimes we have tantrums almost all day....and I am black and blue!

We have had big changes recently 9 months ago we moved house, had a new baby and little one has moved nursery. she seemed to cope well, but could it be a delayed reaction?

My instinct is to tighten up discipline but is this just because I was raised by strict parents? Not smacking but on the verge due to my frustration, which I know is all wrong. anyone help?

Hiya,

These times are always really difficult but I promise they do pass.This is still the age when tantrums are perfectly normal.

What happens before she gets into a state?
Is it when you are really busy?
Is it because she gets frustrated ?

Sometimes working out the main causes can help to diffuse them before they start.

My daughter still throws strops at age 9!

Could be delayed reaction. If it was me I would give lots more hugs.

My dd was like that at that age. She got better but still sometimes has tantrums.

Could all have been a bit much for her. It helped my daughter that I spent more time with her, sent dh out for a walk with the baby and did something that she really liked. More attention is often the key with her.

Funnily enough, my ds is the same age now and hardly ever has tantrums, and not nearly so bad as dd.

Thank you all for the advice. Lots more hugs and attention seem to be the order of the day. I have been trying to work out what sets them off and I think it is not getting her own way.

When it is dangerous or wrong, thats one thing, but she seems to have an ever changing list of rituals that if broken, lead to the screaming abdabs.

On reflection I think I have been guilty of withdrawing, wondering what happened to the little bundle of sunshine she used to be.

funnily enough I was dreading today as I am on my own and hubby is out, but we have had a great time for once! Has done my confidence a lot of good. Try and see if we can make it last into the home stretch!

Ah, that one: 'what is normal'? if only there was such a thing! I'm forever asking myself that question.

As the mother of a 3.5 year old, who's been through a few of those changes (not the moving house one, which is pretty big on its own) I'd guess its a mix of age and lots of very understandable delayed reaction.

Someone told me that 3 year old girls (and presumably boys) have huge hormonal surges, which are beyond their control - I think 'pms' when dd1 is moody for no reason I can think of, and whether its true or not it helps me cope They aren't known as 'threenagers' for nothing...plus, they are trying to figure out what they have control over: independence v dependence, tricky stuff. Lots of testing - and yes, boundaries make them feel safer.

Equally, my own dd and many others I know of have been fairly ok with new babies, then had a reaction some months down the line when the reality sinks in. They ARE forever displaced from their previous role of only, or baby, and its never going to go back to the world they knew. Thats an enormous amount of feelings for a little person to deal with (or a big one, for that matter!). I'm sure the same could apply to new nursery and new home, I just haven't experienced those personally - yet.

I'd go with lots of hugs and positive affirmation, and some clear, calmly set limits on the worst kind of behaviour - though would focus ten times more on the positive if possible.

Its lovely that yo'uve had a better day together, sounds like that backs up the 'wanting more of Mum to herself' advice - which I agree with, FWIW, and think thats probably the most important bit of all.

I have a ds who does this and the trigger seems to be the word 'no'.

Instead of saying 'no' I use other words like ' I would rather you didnt do that' or 'if you do that then this will happen' which seems to work better.

I also try distraction before he goes into one but he often throws himself on the floor and lies there (silently)! I walk out and leave him to it without giving any attention to him at all and he soon comes round. The more fuss I make of him, the worse it is!

elise - i posted something similar. DD is 3.5 and has recently had the most awful tantrums. Screaming so my ears physically hurt, hitting, pinching etc. Goes on for an hour at a time sometimes. Usually it is like you, because she cant get her own way over something. Also she argues for Britain. If you say something, she'll say no its not that (even though she knows it is) and every word that comes from her is no. She's always been a little explosive - and it tends to go in phases - so i'm hoping it is "pms" type thing. She goes to preschool and she does have the anger issue there - over certainthings like washing of hands - she has the screaming habdabs etc. I wondered if there was anything more serious at the base of this as it is in our case a recurring problem. I also think frustration plays a huge part as she is a bright child and is at the moment amazing us with her reading skills. So who knows what contributes to it - im just glad to know we're not the only ones and if anyone has any advice please throw it my way!

My 3 year old gets very frustrated when things don't go his way.
I try to distract and divert around obvious triggers (time to finish an enjoyable activity, bedtime, sharing toys etc) and generally keep the mood light. I have found that instigating punishments is counter productive as I don't think he knows what he has done wrong.
I try to give him lots of choice but also help him understand that it's not the end of the world if things don't go his way.
I think he's gradually learning to control his temper. (Just as the 2 yr old starts to loose control of hers).