My 4.5-year-old just sobbed at bedtime and told me how lonely she is at school ...

[imaginaryfriend]

She's a lovely little girl but is very shy and extremely reserved. The teachers have told me a few times that she hangs back at school all the time and finds it hard to socialise. I've gone through phases where I think it doesn't matter so long as she's happy and phases where I feel awful about her hanging round on her own at school all day.

Tonight I feel the latter. She just told me, for the first time ever, lots of stories about how she's tried to talk to people at school but she doesn't know what to say or the other kids just walk off and that she cries and hides it because 'you shouldn't cry at school'. She also said that every time she thinks of me she misses me so much she wants to cry. All totally heart-breaking stuff.

Is there anything I can do to help her? Or do I have to sweat it out and let her find her own feet?

She's in the nursery of her primary school, part-time for all of last year and full-time since January. She goes into Reception in September.

Hi IF, i'm going through this at the moment with my dd1 (5 next month) who has just started in Reception class a couple of weeks ago.

She's so quiet and shy at school, the teacher says she's like a rabbit caught in headlights. At home she's so chatty and funny, i feel frustrated that others don't get to see that side of her. She does like school so far though, she takes it all quite seriously and wants to do well.

It's the social side that she struggles with - big groups of girls, negotiating friendships and joining in with the games at playtime -she's ok one to one, but more than one she seems terrified. She says she's left on her own every day at lunchtime as no-one waits with her, she often ends up on her own in the playground as she's too shy to approach groups.

She got a certificate in assembly last week for good reading and that's given her a boost of confidence which is great. I think she needs to find people she can be herself with, which takes time.

I did talk to the teacher too, and she was given a 'buddy', but not sure how well that went as the buddy only lasted a few days.

It's horrible to think of her feeling so scared and wanting to come home, i've found it really tough. Hope your dd is ok.

Well, I got her in and she was fine, I stayed quite a while and did some gluing with her and she got lots of praise from one of the teachers so she was quite happy in the end. She's never broken down in tears at school, in fact she seems to think she's not supposed to cry at school! Even when she's fallen down and got a nasty grazed knee she hasn't cried. One of the teachers said she's never seen dd cry. She cries loads at home though over really small things so I guess she's holding a lot in at school. Often when I say goodbye she's standing at the door waving with tears in her eyes but she never actually lets them out.

Boco, that all sounds very familiar except with my dd I'm not totally sure how much she wants to socialise. I'm finding it quite frustrating to understand her. I think a few of the other kids seem to really rather like her and are friendly to her but she just doesn't respond to them. We had a friend over for tea last night and she kept saying things like 'when is xxx going home so I can have a game with you mum?'

Oh what to do with this odd little girl?!

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It is young, oops. Dd is the other end of the age range, she'll be a month off 5 when she goes into reception but she is in the nursery at the primary school full time, has been since nearly 4.5. For what it's worth I think I agree with your teacher who thinks taking your ds out will be counterproductive. All around him firmer friendships will be being forged and he might end up more of an 'outsider'?

From our point of view Reception will be much better for dd than nursery. The more structured activities will suit her - apparently she's quite a star at 'carpet time' at the moment even. The teacher told me this afternoon that she'd been chatting with dd about starfish and they'd ended up with a little group around them of about 5 other kids. the teacher said she slowly retreated and dd carried on speaking to them. Not for long and it might not seem much but this is a major breakthrough for dd to be the centre of attention like that, she's a real sidelines type of girl normally. Like you've described your ds she's very verbal and articulate, the teachers are always surprised at this as she's so quiet most of the day.

Nevertheless tonight she was asking me again when the next holiday is and if Reception will be a much shorter day because she's so lonely at school. Sigh ...

Have just seen your thread, IF. I really hope things get better for your dd soon. My dd1 is 4 and in nursery and she is so quiet there it makes me worry about how happy she is.

Have no constructive advice - just wanted to say I hope she finds her feet/ confidence/ friends soon.

She sounds very lovely.

IF the teachers at school sound quite supportive, so hopefully they'll draw her out.
DS went through a very shy phase at nursey about 6mnths ago (he was just 3). I had good MN advice similar to this thread and he is much happier now, even joining in a game with some kids in the park (who he didnt know). He gets confidence from knowing about the latest things (power rangers and atm spiderman) so he can join in the games and chat. Good luck

I hope yours settles in too, cupcakes.

I can't help but think some of dd's problems are to do with a conflict of character. I think she's not straightforwardly shy. She will never let anyone lead her, she wants to be the 'boss lady' iyswim? But she doesn't have the 'balls' so to speak to carry it off. So all the things you'd do to help a shy child are almost like an 'insult' to her. I suggested that she might have a 'buddy' and she was rather horrified at the prospect! And she suggested she could be a 'buddy' to one of the little new part-timers ...

Thats a good idea. Get her to be a buddy. DD has recently moved into the same room as DS at nursery, he goes in without a fuss now as he is 'looking after DD' (who needs no looking after)

mamma2kids, LOL at your ds!

I think that's what dd wants, some responsibility. She's so thrilled when she's a 'lunchtime helper' whatever that means.