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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 4.5-year-old just sobbed at bedtime and told me how lonely she is at school ...

59 replies

imaginaryfriend · 01/05/2007 20:52

She's a lovely little girl but is very shy and extremely reserved. The teachers have told me a few times that she hangs back at school all the time and finds it hard to socialise. I've gone through phases where I think it doesn't matter so long as she's happy and phases where I feel awful about her hanging round on her own at school all day.

Tonight I feel the latter. She just told me, for the first time ever, lots of stories about how she's tried to talk to people at school but she doesn't know what to say or the other kids just walk off and that she cries and hides it because 'you shouldn't cry at school'. She also said that every time she thinks of me she misses me so much she wants to cry. All totally heart-breaking stuff.

Is there anything I can do to help her? Or do I have to sweat it out and let her find her own feet?

She's in the nursery of her primary school, part-time for all of last year and full-time since January. She goes into Reception in September.

OP posts:

jeangenie · 01/05/2007 21:32

Do the playdate thing - really, do. Even though it sucks a bit for you as you say you are shy yourself. Do it. You have to help her now before it gets too ingrained and the other kids stop trying...it'll get easier
I was like your little girl as a kid, and it was so excruciating. Your DD is lucky to have you, my mum (bless her) hadn't a clue and used to just push me out the door (back in the day when kids were allowed play outside unsupervised) and expect me to get on with it. I just curled up inside and ran away from them all (even the nice ones)
Start with the little girl you say seems a bit similar and take it from there
Good Luck

spudmasher · 01/05/2007 21:33

I think it makes a link with mum, home and school when she sees me with the mum of a friend. Like she knows I think that person is ok so she can too.

jeangenie · 01/05/2007 21:36

definately agree with the need for her to see you being easy socially with the other mums. My mum felt really out of place where we lived - I don't think I ever saw her talk to another mum at my school and we certainly never had anyone in the house
But don't beat yourself up too much, my little sister had the same upbringing and was the most extrovert gregarious popular kid you could hope to meet even though our mum was virtually a social recluse!
Do try to set the example though, it'll get easier the more you do it, and hey, you may even end up enjoying it...

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/05/2007 21:47

oh please read the book then IF. It will help you deal with her, I promise.

spudmasher · 01/05/2007 21:48

I think I need to read it!!! Who is the author?

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 01/05/2007 21:54

spudmasher, you're making so much sense! Dd really does respond to what she thinks I 'approve' of even when it concerns other people.

I've got to be a better lead for her I think. I'm not useless tbh, I hide my shyness very well these days and I'm very friendly to other people. It's just the act of approaching someone to come for tea. And admit I'm a useless cook. Etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 01/05/2007 22:01

I will VVV. I've taken it off the shelf already!

Did you have this kind of problem then?

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/05/2007 22:01

Elaine N Aron.

The way i deal with my shyness, is, simply to show that I am comfortable either approaching people, or not approaching them - whichever I decide.

She needs to see that I am happy whether I chat to people or not. I think that is more important than pushing socialisation, iykwim?

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/05/2007 22:01

Yes, very much. Pann too - he loaned me his copy for his DD.

spudmasher · 01/05/2007 22:02

Ta vvvq. Off to amazon.

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 01/05/2007 22:03

spudmasher, the author is Elaine N. Aron. It's sitting in front of me now. Looking pathetically unread.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/05/2007 22:08

What I mean to say is - it is okay for her to be like that - only 25% of children are true extroverts.

A further 25% are exactly like your DD. The key is for her to feel comfortable with how she is, and adapt your way of doing things.

We, as a society, seem to hold up extrovertness as a personality type to behold, over and above all other types. I now realise its okay to be reserved, etc as well as extrovert. I believe that it doesnt matter what type of personality we are, and our children are - what matters is that we, and they, are comfortable with it.

DYSWIM?

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 01/05/2007 22:16

I totally see what you mean.

I tend to over-compensate for being reserved by chattering too much in a nervy kind of way which does dp's head in. Whereas he is much more able to be reserved and stay in the background. I suspect dd takes after him although she definitely does have a part of her that wants 'special people' around her. Dp can happily be alone mosot of the time whereas dd likes company.

And I agree with you that everyone loves an extrovert these days. The quiet ones tend to slide into the background.

OP posts:

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/05/2007 22:47

She'll find her 'special' person.

After all, special people dont wander along every day, do they?

She can have play mates in between times.

Christie · 01/05/2007 23:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

sunnysideup · 01/05/2007 23:16

IF, your dd sounds really enchanting.

And i just wanted to post as I so feel for you; it's really our worst nightmare as a parent to hear a child say those things, and to think of them struggling manfully with feeling upset at school...

I wonder if reception might be a better point for her? i know that reception was key for my ds who, while he isn't so shy as your dd, is extremely sensitive and was just interested in being with adults, not seeing other kids as people he wanted to play with really...the first term in reception was focussing pretty exclusively on social things and getting the kids to think about each other's needs etc...the teachers seemed very good at making sure that all the kids had little tasks and jobs to do together which was a gentle and gradual way of them extending their social skills without the being put on the spot with something like a friendship spot or something.

Also wanted to add that my mum was really extremely shy; she apparently could not raise her head and kept her eyes on the floor. All she remembers of her infant teachers is their legs!!! But she did cope, she did get friends and she ended up being a teacher in later life and spending her life talking to groups so it didn't disable her in the slightest. And to be honest this was with a background of schools many years ago which were not the caring places they are today, and she was part of a large and basically neglectful family who certainly didn't lavish time and attention on her.

So I hope you can see that your dd cannot go wrong really, with your care and involvement and acceptance of her, she will thrive.

gracej · 02/05/2007 09:23

Could it be insecurity? Maybe you could find some activity she could be very good at to boost her self confidence.
I was a shy child myself, my mother put me in ballet classes which I really enjoyed. I had to perform infront of large audiences in a theatre once in a while.
I think performing infront of a big audience when you are a child gives you a bit of a confidence boost. Nerve recking at first, but once you achieve it you feel great.
Is there a sport she might enjoy?

oliveoil · 02/05/2007 09:46

dd1 is exactly the same Imaginaryfriend (and spookily looks just like your dd ). She is 4.6yrs so starts school in September

carocaro · 02/05/2007 09:47

my son was the same last september, he was just so overwhelmed with it all, although he had been a pre-school and nursery too, he said it was loud and very busy! but play dates really helped a lot, just one child at a time, juice and cake and a planned activity eg: colouring/painting. Also I had a chat to a couple of the other mums whoose children were livley etc and asked them if they could ask their son/daughter to try and take special care of DS as he was a bit lonely and sad at school and play with him, they seemed to love the responsibility of the task and it really helped, now he is stuffed full of beans and in your face all the time! Hope this helps.

ipanemagirl · 02/05/2007 09:57

imaginary friend, haven't read the whole thread but I would say:
Keep talking to the teacher.... 'emotional aspects of learning' is a big buzz expression at the moment. Arrange a proper meeting when you can talk about strategies but I suspect it is fairly common. If she's unhappy she can't learn.
Playdates - are wonderful if possible
And maybe the teacher can arrange for a child in the class to 'look after' your dd for a time? That may boost her confidence.

We had a Polish boy arrive at the beginning of this academic year and he had a girl in his class whose job it was to look after him at breaks etc. It worked really well for both children actually. It gave the carer one a responsible role and it gave the boy a comfort blanket as he adjusted to big school in a foreign country.

Ime keep talking to the teacher, be as warm and grateful to her for her time but keep talking on a day to day basis about how things are going.

crayon · 02/05/2007 19:24

That is so sad. Try and just remember that she only needs one friend and she will be fine. Is there someone who could be invited to play - perhaps another shy child?

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 02/05/2007 21:50

Thanks so much for these replies, it's really reassuring to hear that other children are the same and especially that they've survived!

sunnysideup, your post is lovely. I've often thought that dd will thrive much more in Reception. The organised activities will be much more up her street than the 'free play' aspect of the nursery. And I so relate to your mum! I was just like that.

gracej, she loves sport, especially swimming. She really comes into her own when she's using her body, she's a very athletic little girl. But I can't imagine her doing anything in front of an audience.

oliveoil, dd is born in October so I guess they're almost the same age. Parties are awful. She never joins in with anything, usually hangs around my knees. Even when one of her dearest friends are there she'll mostly stay with me and watch all the others.

carecaro and ipanemagirl I don't think having someone to 'look after her' would work for dd at all. It would put her on the spot plus she's so very independent and stubborn she couldn't bear it. Although it might sound strange I almost think that having someone that she had to look after would work better for her. Say a young new part-timer who she could show around and take care of. She's a very caring child, loves animals and babies.

Actually that last point struck me as one of the things mentioned in the Sensitive Child book, the love of things which don't talk back and need caring for. That's dd down to a tee.

OP posts:

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 03/05/2007 08:11

This morning we have huge floods of tears that she doesn't want to go in, doesn't know what to do there, wants to stay in her favourite place - 'home'.

OP posts:

oliveoil · 03/05/2007 09:04

how did she do, did you go in?

sunnysideup · 03/05/2007 11:18

IF, blimey I feel for you. I have had the same thing last week from my ds, huge tears about going to school, telling me he does not want to be there and would rather be at home with me.

It strikes you to the heart However DS also has other times, most of the time in fact, where he is happy to go and obviously enjoys many aspects of school. I'm sure your dd will get there to that place too. And to be honest, when you are a single child with loving parents, lots of attention and love, and developmentally you are not ready to be particularly social, then it seems obvious that home is going to feel a hell of a lot nicer!

I still think that your love and attention and acceptance of her feelings is all you can do really; I think it's a shame for children like ours that in this country we have no choice but to put them into the school system so young, before they are ready to be able to cope - some kids are more social and may be more ready but I am aware of lots of shy or sensitive children who I think might not be ready for school till they are 6 or 7!

sorry you've had the upset to deal with though. I know how sick it makes you feel and how it wrings you out emotionally.

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