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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 4.5-year-old just sobbed at bedtime and told me how lonely she is at school ...

59 replies

imaginaryfriend · 01/05/2007 20:52

She's a lovely little girl but is very shy and extremely reserved. The teachers have told me a few times that she hangs back at school all the time and finds it hard to socialise. I've gone through phases where I think it doesn't matter so long as she's happy and phases where I feel awful about her hanging round on her own at school all day.

Tonight I feel the latter. She just told me, for the first time ever, lots of stories about how she's tried to talk to people at school but she doesn't know what to say or the other kids just walk off and that she cries and hides it because 'you shouldn't cry at school'. She also said that every time she thinks of me she misses me so much she wants to cry. All totally heart-breaking stuff.

Is there anything I can do to help her? Or do I have to sweat it out and let her find her own feet?

She's in the nursery of her primary school, part-time for all of last year and full-time since January. She goes into Reception in September.

OP posts:

Londonmamma · 01/05/2007 20:55

Poor you, that must be so painful. Is there one friend you could work on, someone you could invite to your house regularly so they could build up a friendship away from school that would then help her at school? Sometimes one friend is all it takes.

Pruni · 01/05/2007 20:57

Message withdrawn

LowFatMilkshake · 01/05/2007 20:57

Oh your poor little one how did you hold the tears in yourself?!

I dotn have any answers as my DD is not yet at this stage and thankfully she knew some children from my ante-natal groupr before getting to pre-school.

I hope someone on MN can help

singyswife · 01/05/2007 20:59

Hi, I know this probably wont help but could you have a word with the teacher again and suggest this....... my dd's school has a thing called a friendship stop, it looks like a bus stop, it stands in the playground and some of the bigger kids 'patrol it', when a child has no-one to play with they go over to the friendship stop and the bigger kids take them into a play group and make sure they are involvoed in games. Personally I think it is a brilliant idea;. Could you maybe suggest something like this at your daughers school;?

sauce · 01/05/2007 21:00

Hmmm, I used to know someone like that! Tell your darling dd that an MNer used to be teased to death at school & called beach-ball because she had a bit of a tum.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 01/05/2007 21:02

Please please please have a read of The Highly Sensitive Child.

It's hugely insightful and helpful for children like ours.

Sucks, doesnt it? It wouldnt be so awful if I didnt understand just how she felt.

Clayhead · 01/05/2007 21:03

I know at dd's school they use friendship stops or, if that doesn't work, they sometimes ask a slightly older child to be a 'buddy' to a younger one - this involves them meeting up at play times and playing together and the older child generally 'looking after' the younger one a bit.

PinkTulips · 01/05/2007 21:10

i'm in tears reading that post as i remember exactly how she feels

i do think it's a good idea to try and help her by inviting a few kids back as often as possible so she can have some people she knows better and will feel more comfortable around

ask the teacher again if she could subtley help matters by maybe steering her towards a group of other kids and encouraging them to play together whenever she notices she's on her own. the techers in my primary used to do this and it was really lovely

Sobernow · 01/05/2007 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 01/05/2007 21:10

VVV, that's partly it, I totally relate to how she feels as I was horribly shy myself. You know, I bought that book a while ago but haven't read it. I will now.

I think the teachers do try to get her to mix with the others and she does get approached by other little girls but her shyness and reserve always get in her way. If that makes sense? This morning for instance two very sweet little girls both called out dd's name as she walked in and instead of responding dd just stared at the floor and shuffled her feet and looked totally embarrassed! I think if she was 'put on the spot' with something like a Friendship stop she'd hate it.

One friend would make all the difference. I always think she's a Best Friend kind of girl. But there isn't really anybody there who is similar, they are all quite gregarious and play in little groups. They're a nice bunch though.

Dd has two friends outside of school who she adores. She gets very attached to people and will eventually make the right person the most loyal best friend going. But if ever she sees one of these two friends in a group situation like a party she just backs off from them especially if they're joining in with the group activity.

OP posts:

CarGirl · 01/05/2007 21:11

what has helped my dd is developing a friendship with the girl we walk to school with. I too would recommend lots of play dates with a couple of other children and build up friendships with those on a one 2 one basis.

CarGirl · 01/05/2007 21:12

practice respsonses with her/social situations. Sounds silly but it helps them.

tealady · 01/05/2007 21:15

You cant stop her from being shy - but you could make suggestions about how she might approach other children. My shy ds needed to be given ideas for how to ask to join in - eg explain to her that if she sees a children playing a game she could say " that looks fun can I join in". It sounds really obvious but I think shy kids do need help in making the first moves.

I also think you can help as much as poss by mixing with other Mums and arranging as many play dates as you can. Don't worry if she isn't friends with that child yet...ask her who she would like to be friends and draw up a list of target play dates. When my dd has play dates they always seem to play together at school on that day.

It is hard - you have my sympathy - it just makes you want to keep that at home with you all day.

Troutpout · 01/05/2007 21:16

oh no this is too sad bless her

I'd tell the teacher what has happened and ask her to encourage group play whenever she sees your dd alone or struggling to socialise

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 01/05/2007 21:17

Sobernow I don't think the staff know she's feeling so sad as she hides it from them. She said her eyes get hot and she wipes them on her sleeve so nobody will notice.

And I know the staff are aware of her shyness but she's very reluctant to be 'helped' iyswim? She's a stubborn little miss and really very very reserved. I've tried encouraging her very gently when I see another child approach her but she gets embarrassed and pushes me away physically like she doesn't want to hear me.

There's one little girl she really feels drawn to who is actually quite similar to her but this girl has an old and very firm friend and I think dd ends up watching them a lot. I chatted to this girl's mum one day and we vaguely talked about meeting over Easter but then the girl was off ill and we haven't picked it up.

Well, ok, truth is I'm still fairly shy myself and find it hard to approach another mum! Poor dd, I've passed on my useless genes to her ...

OP posts:

franca70 · 01/05/2007 21:20

oh bless her! It is really heartbreaking, and I really hope the nursery staff encourage more inclusive playing. I think ds (who started reception in January) is having some problems fitting in at school. I do although wonder whether there's too much pressure on our children to be "social" from a very young age...
Play dates on a 1 to 1 basis sound perfect for your lovely dd.

PinkTulips · 01/05/2007 21:21

i was in a trio of best friends when i eventually found my footing in primary, maybe she could be friends with both the girl and her existing bf?

Sobernow · 01/05/2007 21:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 01/05/2007 21:23

But I am going to try to fix up a play date. You've given me some umph. I can think of two little girls who dd has mentioned the names of.

It's a tricky situation because dd isn't that easy to get along with because she's so particular about everything. She's so totally not laid-back about anything ever. So I don't think she tends to attract friends or move easily between people like I've seen some of the others do. When she's more relaxed at home of course she's hilarious, mad-cap, affectionate, well gorgeous really. But I've never seen her show that side of herself to anybody other than me and dp.

OP posts:

spudmasher · 01/05/2007 21:24

Oh! How awful! My DD started off like this and regularly complained of her heart aching whist at school especially at lunchtime. She still struggles now but we are in the third term of reception and I am slowl--y seing her become happier with her friendships. The teachers have been great and we have had the friends - just one at a time and only two different ones- round to tea and for playdates.
It has really helped my dd to see me having a cuppa with the mums of her friends - kind of modelling how to make friends.

oops · 01/05/2007 21:27

Message withdrawn

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 01/05/2007 21:27

I like that word thing Sobernow. Dd would definitely respond to that. I've done a little thing that's helped which is very soppy. She has her Scooby beaker in her school bag and I put a special kiss onto the spout so if she feels lonely she can go and get a kiss from there. And have a drink! That's helped. In fact having her bag with a few familiar things helps.

One to one is definitely her thing. She may change of course but at the moment it's impossible to imagine her playing in a group.

Funnily enough I think she does do the putting her hand up to answer questions thing. Well, there's a photo of her in the little gallery in the school corridor sitting with her hand up anyway!

OP posts:

oops · 01/05/2007 21:29

Message withdrawn

spudmasher · 01/05/2007 21:30

My dd has loads of key rings attached to her coat!! One with a photo of mummy and daddy, a little simba one from when she went to the lion king etc.
I love your kiss idea!!

I was in two minds about it at first thinking it would make her more sad to be reminded of home all the time and that she would just look at them all the time rather than make friends, but it has helped.

Original poster

imaginaryfriend · 01/05/2007 21:31

Hello oops, will check your thread

spudmasher, how strange, my dd always gets weepy at lunch time too. She loves it if she sees me chat to another mum, she likes to know the mums' names generally. She's good with mums!

OP posts:

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