My 4 year old has been referred to under development centre

[Effy93]

Hello, I'm new to this.
So my 4 year old is really shy and doesn't have anyone her age to play with only her 18m old brither and 10 year old cousin so she sometimes acts like a baby when she gets shy. She is super shy around new people and acts as if she is a baby which makes her look like she has a learning difficulty.. but around us, she is a crazy, bubbly, funny, talkative happy girl and now she has been referred to an under development centre as her teacher thinks she is behind and says she act immature for her age.. What can I do to build her confidence? I know she is completely different at school and acts silly. I've been taking her horse riding to build her confidence and to teach her how to listen as she becomes distracted easily but she still is really shy at the horse riding. Sorry if this doesn't make sense, I just don't want my daughter to be labels because she is so different at home.

I completely get how different children can be at home.

If she has to use strategies like playing with children who are a different age to her and pretending she is less mature than she is, it sounds like she is struggling socially.

My DDs both have AS and I've always seen very different children at home from those others saw at school, etc.

Try not to worry about labels. A label is another word for a diagnosis. A diagnosis that is correct is helpful. It can be a shortcut to support and understanding. You can share a diagnosis when it suits you but it's confidential and you don't have to.

It will become apparent as part of any assessment process that your DD has skills that the teacher isn't seeing evidence of at school and they will be looking to work out the reason behind this, not assuming that she can't do things that she can.

Thank you for your reply.
I'm just worried and I don't want her to be seen as something she is not. There's a perfect explanation as to why she is so shy and that's the none socialization with children her age and I have a small family and we're all quiet shy people.
I'm trying everything to help her confidence so she doesn't have the same problems I've had growing up.

Small children get confidence from being nurtured and feeling secure that their parents are close by for support. Don't make the mistake of trying to push her to do more. She needs to drive that when she feels ready.

Your shyness may be more nature than nurture and that may apply to hers too.

Tread carefully and accept the input of professionals. They will listen to you and it is very rare for a child to get a diagnosis without the parents being fully in agreement.

Yes, I do not want to push her into anything, I thought her being around other children her age will help her with communication with her peers.

She isn't short of nurture, I'm a very affectionate parent and I'm always with her, I thought that was we're I was to blame, My hands on with her and I've always gone in nursery with her to settle her and when she started reception I was there making sure she was happy and being the last one to leave. I've always been very close to her.

So do you think she is just behind because she's just different as every child is, or could it be something ?

I'm just fretting because I know my child, I'm not being one if those parents that bury thier heads, if I felt like something was wrong I would be the first to voice it but as I said she is completely different at home. She listens, she writes her name, she's reads sentences, she is confident and crazy and never stops talking! I wish the school could see her how I see her.

You have every right to decline the referral, its very early days at school and some children do take time to settle. I would tell the teacher that you're very grateful that she's taking an interest in your daughter, but that you have no concerns (except shyness), that her previous nursery also had no concerns, so you'd like to wait a bit and see how she settles.

Have you invited any of the other children home yet? It would be good for her to gave some friends of her own age and it would also get you to have a better understanding of if your daughter is actually behind either socially or intellectually.

So do you think she is just behind because she's just different as every child is, or could it be something?
Thing is we, nor you, nor the teacher can tell at this point.
But if she is behind then early intervention will help a lot, and it won't do any harm if she isn't behind, so it is worth checking.

Some children who have social communication difficulties can function really well at home, where they feel very safe and understood and they know what's going to happen and how to cope with it. Your DD may have difficulties but possibly not those the teacher thinks has because she can do things at home she doesn't feel able to do at school.

It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing in terms of supporting her in environments where she feels less secure. You are not making it worse. Knowing you will be there when she needs you will make her feel more able to move away and explore. Thinking you might push her away or disappear is likely to make her feel less secure and stick to you more.

If she is struggling at school and her presentation is the only way she can communicate that, she needs the cause to be identified and the things she is finding hard to be managed. Long term stress is not good for children.

I would go with the referral and see what the outcome is.

Thank you so much for your advice.

I am going to go ahead with the referral, not because I agree with the teacher but I believe this team gives us things to do at home that may get her up to speed.

The first thing I did when I got home from picking her up, was read with her and write and she read a whole sentence back and she isn't doing that in school. At her school they have a scheme were they take pics and videos whikst theyre learning ect and send them us through email and every picture she is sat on her own. All the other kids are sat close together and she is sat with spaces next to her and right next to the teacher, also this teacher is new and no concerns were raised with her previous teacher and I believe this teacher doesn't have children.

I feel sad every time I look at her pictures because it's as if no one is helping her be confident at school. It really upsets me because I know how amazing and funny she is and I know if she was the same at school she would be so popular

I feel sad every time I look at her pictures because it's as if no one is helping her be confident at school. It really upsets me because I know how amazing and funny she is and I know if she was the same at school she would be so popular

I know exactly how that feels. Just remind yourself that it might come with time. She's clearly a bright girl if she's reading whole sentences like that.

Keep doing what you're doing.

I had a similar issue with my son, he really struggled when he started school , didn't even know how to hold a pencil, I remember being called back at hometime to discuss my son's issues, I thought the same he's so different at home
The thing was everyone in his class was so much further ahead so there was a development issue, but with time and encouragement we got over that phase and few years later he was confident and now in his final year at primary school.is head boy and in top sets

So I know what it's like to worry about the feeling that ur child is not on same page as others but in a way that extra help did him wonders, so really I'm glad they picked it up and gave him the time he needed to develop

I wonder if she could have selective mutism. OP google that...my DD had it from age 3 to about 9 when it went away.

She had some help at school as she wasn't a severe case but it can be treated with expert help.

Thank you guys for responding.
I don't think she has selective autism as she does talk but she'll just say yeah rather than talking.

I think she is just super shy and they aren't doing as much as they can with her regarding confidence. I am going to take her karate tonight and see if she enjoys that and maybe it'll bring her out of her she'll a round new people.
I'm still going with the referral, I don't agree that anything is wrong with her but she probably is behind on somethings because of her shyness

Selective mutism....not selective autism.

Selective mutism is a disorder where a child stops talking in certain situations...they literally can't. It's often mistaken for shyness.

Sorry auto correct. I ment to write mutism

Just saying "yeah" could still be SM. My DD used to say "Don't know" when spoken to.

Oh okay, well we will have to look into that also.
Thank you.
I do really hope it is all down the shyness

Well why? To be frank, shyness can last a lifetime...hard to "cure" but SM can be fixed.

I think that referring her to the centre could be a good way of helping her to become more confident in school. Some children are naturally outgoing and come out of their shell as as soon as they are given any chance to socialise; others are naturally more cautious and do need more support. It sounds as if your DD is academically fine but socially she may be a bit behind, whether the reasons are due to lack of previous experience or some other reason, it doesn't really make a difference at this stage. The centre may help to find ways to bring her on and let her blossom in school.

If she enjoys the karate that's fine but if she seems to be shy or unhappy there then I would drop it for the time being, especially since she already has the horse riding. If she is not managing so well at school, then putting her in yet another situation with yet more unknown children and teachers may undermine her confidence rather than building it up. When she is more settled may be a better time to try new things. She is very young and she still has plenty of time. With your great support I'm sure she will do well!

Do you take home videos of her? These could be really useful to professionals when assessing her in the devt centre - if you can, make a little collection of them and put them on a cd or online so they can access them. Might also be worth showing them to school so that they can see how the school environment affects her negatively.

Kleinzeit thank you for your advice, i didnt think of it that way, putting her in another unknown situatuon.
She has great support here, and I really do think it's a miss understanding.

Greentufyflower yes that's a very good idea. I have millions of videos and pics of her dancing, singing, playing the piano, riding horses and being a loon! That is a brilliant idea! I will be showing the school and the centre she has been referred too. They will realise this is all a mistake, as I said the teacher doesn't have children, she's a new teacher and her previous teacher never mentioned anything.
I know she is not underdeveloped academically she's very intelligent for her age, she just needs someone to give her the time. Not to mention how scary it is going in to a new school with lots of new children and adults around!

It sounds like the school need to give her some smaller, quieter environments where she feels able to be herself.

If they don't see the skills you see at home, they should be asking themselves why that's happening and what they can change to enable her to express herself more. It's easy for some teachers to see a deficit in the child when the child is fine but the school isn't giving them what they need. Maybe the development centre can help with that.