Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Non-smacking parenting for really challenging kids and incredibly hard situations

72 replies

prettybird · 28/03/2007 10:59

After Catastrophe's contribution to the thread on NZ views on the proposed anti-smacking law, I though I'd start the very thread she suggested.

So, what are people'ssuggestions?

Personally, I have used a combination of being sat on the steps/sent to the hallway, star charts, pasta jar, removal of priviliges, explanation, ignoring of bad behaviour and encouragment of good.

These however, did not always work between the ages of 18 months and 2.5 years, with a non verbal toddler.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

catASTROPHE · 28/03/2007 21:57

Thanks, will think those through - think I do some already. DD is only 2 and 10 months, and her brother is only just one, so it is not an even match - she is bullying him She does love him, but is v jealous. I feel sad for her, but she makes me so mad.

catASTROPHE · 28/03/2007 21:58

thanks nightynight, i will look for that thread

Zog · 28/03/2007 22:00

Nightynight, can you link to that thread please?

Nightynight · 28/03/2007 22:00

it was more just a definition of the disorder, catastrophe - I was shocked by the mention on another website of prescribing drugs to make your child more docile.

Nightynight · 28/03/2007 22:01

I will try to find it, not sure I got the name right.

I often feel, especially when reading anti smacking threads, as though I live in a diffrerent world from all these docile kids.

rantinghousewife · 28/03/2007 22:02

I'm sorry, I can't really think of any other good advice other than, always be consistent. My ds was esp. challenging between 18 mts and 4 years. Mostly due to lack of vocal skills (his) and (probably) lack of patience (mine). It does get easier and I found (with practice) more manageable, but every child is different and techniques that work well with one child don't always transfer to another. If it's an attention thing, then as long as everyone's safe, I used to find removing myself from the situation made it easier.

Greenleeves · 28/03/2007 22:02

Nightynight, my little boy is extremely challenging by any standards. Hence the fact that he has an IEP when he hasn't even started school yet, and is currently being investigated to find out whether he got AS, ASD or ADHD (or just a difficult personality).

Don't assume that just because other people are using different methods from yours, their children are "easier" than yours. FWIW, there's no way on earth my 4yo would sit on a naughty step either. He would see it as confrontational for me to ask him to do something so ridiculous. I have found a few things that seem to work for us at the moment - no guarantees for the future of course. But don't assume everyone else has it easier than you do, or that your children are more "challenging" just because they don't respond to some of the more popular techniques - lots of perfectly ordinary children don't get on with naughty steps and star charts.

paulaplumpbottom · 28/03/2007 22:03

I have a little red chair that sit in a hallway where there is nothing to look at. She has to stay there for an amount of time depending on what she has done. If she gets up more time is added on.

Nightynight · 28/03/2007 22:04

there's a lot more to it than that, greensleeves.

Heres the thread: oppositional defiant disorder

catASTROPHE · 28/03/2007 22:05

I do know what you mean though nightynight. My DD is the most challenging of all my friends' kids (by their admition too) and when they say "just be firm and put her on the time out step" I think "you have got no idea"

Greenleeves · 28/03/2007 22:08

I've seen that link before, it was suggested to us in connection with ds1 (he doesn't have it though IMO). Also PDA (Pathological Demand Avoidance), have you heard of that one? Equally difficult.

It's rather insulting to assume that other people's children are easier to manage than yours just bcause they don't use the same methods as you, I think. I don't assume that all the smackers' children are horrible out of control brats.

Zog · 28/03/2007 22:11

Sometimes I think the strategies that people give are fine if you've only got one child. But surely it can't be right if I'm spending so much time and energy on the child who is misbehaving? What message does that send to the ones who don't kick off?

Greenleeves · 28/03/2007 22:12

PDA

DH actually thought this sounded a lot like ds1, but I wasn't so sure. We are thinking along those lines though - he's far from being an easy child. Docile?

Nightynight · 28/03/2007 22:14

greensleeves, its because the behaviour that you describe is not that extreme, and the solutions that you suggested didnt work for us.
I am sure that your posts dont give the whole story though.

catASTROPHE · 28/03/2007 22:20

GS, I'm sure you work hard at disciplining well and being patient - was not trying to suggest you have it easy - how would I know?

Fact is though, some children are less challenging than others, and was just saying that my friends just don't get that. They seem to think that the solution to DD's poor bahaviour is a simple matter of being a bit calmer and more patient, which is also insulting.

Nightynight · 28/03/2007 22:20

PDA thread is interesting, cant identify it with any of my lot though.

Greenleeves · 28/03/2007 22:20

No, my posts on here don't tell the whole story, that's true. And I expect my little boy is different from yours too. Even very challenging children vary widely. However I have found that because of ds1's very oppositional nature, gentler and more non-confrontational methods and pre-emptive strategies seem to work best for us. Directly confrontational "You will do as you're told or else" scenarios are disastrous whereas the softer more reasoned approach is gradually working. The staff at the nursery are trying something similar, but we've had some spectacularly bad days.

I just don't like the assumption that those of us who don't use the more forceful tactics must have easy docile children. After the week I've just had with ds1 (tears, heartache, long consultations with teacher, starting a thread on here to beg for help, that sort of thing)it gets my back up. It's just not true.

Anyway, I have to go to bed. Goodnight

Nightynight · 28/03/2007 22:28

agree, avoiding confrontation the best way.

not always possible as they get older though.

Greenleeves · 28/03/2007 22:30

Well, then you'll have the pleasure of watching me crash and burn in a few years time

AspartameGoddessOfCatAstrophe · 28/03/2007 22:36

gentle is better greeny, I'm sure you're right (boy do we need a 'jaded' emoticon)

G'night

MadamePlatypus · 30/03/2007 13:10

I think its perfectly normal for a child not to stay on the naughty step. We tried it a couple of times when DS was about 2 - he just wandered off. I have never fully understood why any child would stay on it.

amidaiwish · 30/03/2007 13:20

haven't read the whole thread - but i find the "removal and ignore" technique very effective with my 2 DDs (3 and 18m)

i have a utility room with a glass panel door just off the kitchen/living room - if they are being naughty they get a warning, if they carry on i count to 3. if they still don't stop i pick them up and put them in the utility room and shut the door. As it is a glass door they can see out (and i can see them) but they are excluded. It works a treat. Never takes more than a minute or so before they say sorry (or rub my head/give me a cuddle) and they come back in behaving themselves.

Before i discovered this, i tried the naughty step but they wouldn't stay on no way.

Flip

1 2 3