support and advice needed please...

[AuntyQuated]

some good friends of ours are in the process of adopting 2 little girls. they have been living with them since the beginning of the yaer.
however things aren't going very smoothly atm.
the main problem is that one of the girls is being very hostile towards the DH.
can anyone offer any advice, please?

Hi Aunty, I can only give 'theoretical' help from the adoption training I've been on as we are also waiting to adopt a little girl. It's likely that the girl you're talking about has had very poor experiences with men and the hostility she's showing is her way of saying 'stay away from me, I don't trust you'. It is vital that the man in question does not take it personally or react with anger or rejection himself because that will just confirm to the little girl that he is not a safe person. If he can maintain a warm, calm approach to her and if the adoptive mum can also back him up with gentle reassurance to the child then slowly slowly she will learn to trust him. She will also be watching how he is with the other sister in order to gauge whether he's OK.

There is supposed to be lots of post-adoption support available these days, are your friends getting it? Rejection of one adoptive parent in favour of the other is VERY common. It's too scary for a scarred child to 'give' themselves entirely to the new couple and rejecting one of them maintains a feeling that they have some control over what happens to them when, in the past, they propbably had none.

I know there are lots of adopters on mumsnet
so i'm sure you'll get other answers too.

Hi AQ

I think that the best piece of advice you can give your friends is to sign up here.
They can then post asking for help about specific problems; I am sure lots of people will support them.

agree totally with the advice here, it's spot on. Also think you need to encourage your friends to take the long view, which is very hard to do I know when you are in the middle of it all...but since the beginning of the year is still such a short time in terms of the girls settling in. I don't know how much is known of their background, but it's a very fair assumption that these are children who have experienced abuse of one kind or another and they are bound to test boundaries - big time. Also there may be an element of them testing to see if forever really MEANS forever.......

I'd perhaps gently say to them that they will feel differently about this time when they look back when the girls are grown up...just to remind them this isn't forever!

And the DH needs to keep plugging away - he mustn't let himself be pushed away...but at the same time the girls need to be able to gradually build a trust of him. Hope things get better.x