Angry 6 year old biting, scratching, hitting

[Addntox]

Really appreciate some advice on my 6 year old dd. She is well behaved at school and at home. However - on play dates, visiting relatives, when going on holiday we see extreme behaviour. We went away this weekend and she was incredibly rude, flew into a rage when we tried to - calmly - discipline her. She was hitting me, scratching me, kicking me very hard and was trying to bite me. We have a play date tomorrow and I think she will repeat this behaviour. Do you think I should warn the mum, and then just take my daughter home as soon as the behaviour starts?

Sorry, I have no advice about a child that age but it was really striking from your post that the behaviours happen when she's doing something unfamiliar/there's a change in routine. Does she get anxious about this?

I wonder if she's a child who needs quite a lot of preparation and warning about what's going to happen? 'Tomorrow we're going to X's house. We're going to leave at 10 and it'll take us half an hour to get there. When you're there, you'll have some juice and play with X...'

This is a technique I've seen recommended for kids who struggle with anxiety and change.

Thanks so much for your reply. I think it is anxiety related. She is clever and she very much wants to be 'in control'. She does not hit out at other people - it's mainly me and sometimes her daddy. I used to think it was because she didn't have my full attention (she is an only child). However there are some playdates that I go on where her behaviour is calm. This is usually when her playdate friend plays in a way that doesn't dominate her. She is also fine on playdates/parties when I don't attend.

I will prepare her today by talking it through. A treat if it goes well, and a sanction if the behaviour occurs. I'm pretty sure it will occur though. We will walk up the road calmly, and the behaviour will reappear as soon as she meets her friend and the mum. Also - she doesn't misbehave on playdates when it's me, her and a friend - and the mum doesn't attend. Similarly when visiting relatives - if the relatives leave the room she stops misbehaving.

The intensity of her rage is very scary. I have scratch marks down my leg and she hit me so hard on the nose that I thought might get a nose bleed.

That's really scary and difficult for you, I'm so sorry. Hopefully someone with more experience will be along in a while. In the meantime, I've seen a book called 'The Explosive Child' recommended several times for this kind of problem.

It is difficult. I've just ordered the book you recommended. The playdate went brilliantly today, and I gave her lots of praise. I'd say 95% of the time she is lovely. But occasionally this monster looms. And boy - when it looms - it is horrific.

on play dates, visiting relatives, when going on holiday we see extreme behaviour

Is it because her sleeping and eating is different at these times?

I know my DD gets really 'hangry' when hungry. She simply cannot cope if not fed regularly. She's as slim as a whippet but really needs her food. That's when I see her worst behaviour, when she's hungry.