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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

I don't know what to do any more. 7yo weed on my pillow

54 replies

purpleangel17 · 15/05/2017 21:31

Tonight my 7yo daughter started off by kicking her 9yo sister. I told her to stop, she did it more. I blocked her and she treated it like a game, running round me to kick her again and hit her on the arm, hard. I told my 9yo to go upstairs and I closed the living room door and sat in front of it so my 7yo couldn't go up. She started hitting and kicking and biting me. I gave her a warning then a consequence. She didn't care. Eventually she hit me so hard I cried out and then she started crying and calmed down. She watched some TV then at bedtime she decided to empty a cup of water all over the bathroom floor. I told her that was naughty and no bedtime cuddles now. I went downstairs because I needed some space from her. She then decided to wee all over my pillow and bed on purpose. Initially she thought it was funny and said I deserved it because I was mean and that I should kill myself. Eventually when I got upset I think she was ashamed as she hid her head and wouldn't look at me. She is now in bed asleep and I just feel completely useless as a mum. I don't know how to control her. I don't know why my daughter thinks it's ok to wee on my bed. I don't want social services involved but I just feel like no one can help. I want to go to sleep and never wake up.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

jacquejacque · 15/05/2017 21:39

I don't have any advice, you poor love. Just here for a hand hold and a hug

Graceflorrick · 15/05/2017 21:42

This sounds difficult OP. Has she always presented with challenging behaviours or has some event triggered this?

Does she have any hobbies/ focus for her energy?

I wonder whether she perhaps needs more cuddles, not less.

Thinking of you OP.

Original poster

purpleangel17 · 15/05/2017 21:45

She has always had outbursts but recently they have got worse. She gets so many cuddles! She is always on my lap, around my neck. I don't see how I could give her any more affection or positive attention, I really don't... It's not fair on my eldest either who is normally good as gold...

OP posts:

delilahbucket · 15/05/2017 21:47

What was the consequence for her behaviour other than " no cuddles"?

Graceflorrick · 15/05/2017 21:47

Is her father around to offer you a bit of support and give her a bit of one/one time too?

Original poster

purpleangel17 · 15/05/2017 21:47

She does gym and netball, she is very active. Today she had a playdate after school with her best friend so it should have been a good evening...

OP posts:

whataterriblefuss · 15/05/2017 21:48

oh my word, I could have written your post myself this evening.

I have had my 7 year old kick over the bin in the kitchen and then a 40 minute stand off to make him pick everything up and put it back in again. all the while raging against how mean I am, how unfair, how I'm the worst mummy in the world. Then a little bit of hitting, kicking thrown in as well.

What I can see happening is that he is feeling backed into a corner, and instead of apologising and making amends, he fights. He thinks he can fight his way out of it. It takes an hour or so for the remorse to come. He is very sorry. He is very sad that I am sad. He won't do it again. Next day.......we do it all again.

You poor thing - its bloody hard. Has been happening in our house for a few weeks now, and I am totally baffled as to what on earth has got into him. We've tried rewards, one on one time, punishments,praise, removal of pocket money. Aaarrgghhh.

I will watch with interest for the mumsnet sages.....

PovertyJetset · 15/05/2017 21:48

Sounds awful. How is she at school?

Original poster

purpleangel17 · 15/05/2017 21:49

First consequence was TV off. Second consequence was no cuddles in my bed which she normally has.

No her dad and I are separated, she sees him once a fortnight.

OP posts:

Squishedstrawberry4 · 15/05/2017 21:50

Tomorrowtell her to remove the sheets, put them in the washing machine, hang them
Up to dry after and then remake your bed with the same clean sheets. She needs to understand the impact of her behaviour. Be neutral and calm.

Original poster

purpleangel17 · 15/05/2017 21:51

At school she is very well behaved but can get emotional. She is bright but emotionally immature. She has some friends now but socially does struggle a bit.

OP posts:

mustiwearabra · 15/05/2017 21:51

I'm not saying this as a criticism because you poor sod you must be shattered, but would she normally be allowed to watch TV after lashing out at you and her sister? It strikes me that she didn't really get any massive consequences for such poor behaviour.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 15/05/2017 21:52

Also I would have been temped to sleep in her bed tonight and let her sleep rough on the floor with s sleeping bag

Squishedstrawberry4 · 15/05/2017 21:53

Did you read both my posts. The consequences need to relate directly to her behaviour

TheHodgeoftheHedge · 15/05/2017 21:54

I'm trying to say this gently as I hear your pain and frustration, but you say she had consequences - tv off, but you then she "watched some tv". This is after she has been physically aggressive to you and her sister. That doesn't sound like real consequences to me, or have I misunderstood?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 15/05/2017 21:54

Has she been doing SATs? Clinging to straws that ds will be less grumpy when these tests are over. We are just trying to be firm and strong boundaries.

Graceflorrick · 15/05/2017 21:56

Do you think she may be struggling to cope with the separation OP?

Iloveanimals · 15/05/2017 21:57

First step is to make sure there is no mental reasons for her behaviour. Does she have an inbalance? Has she been tested for behaviour problems? Once these have been ruled out you can move forward and I can possibly post some more advise to help you (Currently working as a trainee parental coach)

Original poster

purpleangel17 · 15/05/2017 22:18

The TV consequence was no TV till you have calmed down so it went back on when she was calm. She had missed most of her programme. I have struggled to find any consequences she cares about. I have tried no screen time, early to bed, cancelling treats/outings. Everything just amplifies the rage!

The weeing on my bed just feels so hateful, like she is sending me the strongest message she can that she hates me.

I don't think she is reacting to the separation, we have been apart 3 years now. GP does not think she has ASD which I wondered.

OP posts:

mustiwearabra · 15/05/2017 22:22

I think it needs to be more a case of no TV at all because doing what she did to her sister was atrocious and she needs to learn that calming down isn't enough. There will be consequences. I also agree with the posters above about having her change your bed sheets. I understand that this all might feel a bit too harsh but you're going to have a fight on your hands if she's still this way when she's bigger.

Iloveanimals · 15/05/2017 22:29

Did the gp not refer her to a specialist? Do you think she needs to see one? Only you know OP and please feel free to pm me at any time. I may or may not be able to help you, hopefully I can. I am also very sorry for what you are going through as a parent. But please do pm me if you want to.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 16/05/2017 07:06

She needs to have relative consequences. So stripping your bed, putting the sheets in the wash, hanging the sheets up, remaking a clean bed.

Squishedstrawberry4 · 16/05/2017 07:08

She thinks she's caused you extra work but she needs to do the work to remedy the situation.

PovertyJetset · 16/05/2017 07:14

I agree with the other posters about real and immediate consequences.

Also when she is in full rage mode can you get her in a bear hug and hold her quite tightly?

Highlove · 16/05/2017 08:44

As an I experienced outsider, I agree real and immediate consequences. Seems bit unfair that it was her sister who got sent away while she calmed down?

However, I do t think withdrawing cuddles is helpful; as a PP has said, it sounds like she needs more not less. And surely you'd both like to end the day in a calmer, cuddly way. (If possible!)

Does she get much 121 time with you? Do you think she could do with more? What do school say about her behaviour? If she's ok at school and other issues have been ruled out, perhaps it's simply an attention thing?

for you though; it sounds really tough.

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