I don't want my DS anymore.

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

I know it's not a choice. I know I'm stuck with him.

He's 4. Possible ASD or similar. He's so violent, hits me, bites me, kicks me, punches, pinches, spits in my face, and headbuts me. He's got no toys in his room because he kept throwing them at me. So I took them all away. He doesn't even care. He doesn't care about any consequence or discipline. I've tried everything from shouting and losing my temper to sitting calmly on the floor and explaining why his behaviour isn't nice and "you're a good boy, but your behaviour is not nice".

I ran a bath an hour ago and I still can't get in it because he just will not go to bed. He's now staying in his room but he won't sleep. So I can't get in the bath. Now it's too late to actually bathe and shave and wash and dry my hair none of which has been done for a week I can't even cook myself some dinner because I can't stand out there in the kitchen long enough to even cook, let alone actually sit and eat.

It's just constant. He goes to nursery but then I have to fit literally everything else (shopping, paying bills, any meetings with anyone, any phonecalls because I can't use the phone with him around, my own appointments) has to be crammed into those 15 hours a week.
Have the Early Help worker out on Wednesday.

But I'm fed up. It's constant. I need a break and there's no one about to provide one. I just want to wash my fucking hair.

Ps when you are under this much pressure do try to find ways to do things for YOU even if you have to be super inventive- e.g. let DS bake something nice and put something on in the background that you find interesting too. I find this helps me a bit (I like interesting debates I find on you tube by Michael Sandel and Roald Dahl tales of the unexpected!) And I fortify myself with cups of tea and sneaky chocolate.
Another easy one I find is I can get a bit of 'me' time if sit near DS in a playground- for me Its a good place to get admin done or catch up on the outside world somehow

He went to sleep at 8pm. I can't tell if that's a win or not;
I tried everything, laid with him for half an hour getting him to close his eyes with me and listen to the birds singing and the rain, he was just about dozing off so he shot up out of his bed and started kicking me again he's snapped my necklace off of my nexk and broken it beyond repair, and spent a good half an hour (7.20-7.50) literally running circles around his bed, pissed off my downstairs neighbour who started banging the shit out of the ceiling and screaming delightful things such as "fucking c*nt" through the ceiling
And then at 7.50 he got himself into bed, laid down, asked to be tucked in and for his musical teddy on (again) and went off to sleep, I only had to stand outside his room in the hallway (in the dark and silence) so when he called out for me he could see me and I could say "go to sleep".

So I've put some dinner in for me. The house can wait. I've poured myself a small whisky too.

I may try the headphones and podcast or radio tomorrow night though - thank you!
Baking with DS can be quite stressful as he doesn't follow instructions and can be funny about getting his hands dirty I'm always looking for easy simple recipes that he can do mostly independently if you know of any?
And I will definitely try to get him to help more with the cleaning and general tidyness of the house.

I'm sorry you're not getting enough support

This is exactly the same here. I'm a lone parent and the only person I see is my daughter who does all of the same things as your son. I'm terrified of my daughter. Scared to even go into the downstairs loo for fear of how mad she will go.
I have come so so so close to giving her up numerous times. I have no support from family who think she's so well behaved(!)

Had enough. I even called Social services and asked them to come out & assess her but they said she's normal.

I know you can't see it right now, but you're doing so well! You don't sound remotely selfish (and I'm glad I don't sound like a dick!)

My DS also gets really stressed around bedtime. He has nightmares and still wears nappies at night as he can't stay dry, so I think he gets scared about sleeping. What has worked here is consistency, consistency, consistency. Bedtime goes something like this:

6.30 - Warning that it's thirty minutes before bed (so he knows how long he can have left on tablet/TV etc), offer of a bowl of cereal
7.00 - Shower/bath with his brother
7.10 - I put his brother to bed while he plays 'quietly' in his room (if he'd not quiet his brother's bedtime takes longer so he doesn't get as long with me)
7.25 - a quiet activity together - jigsaw or lego - and I set a timer for 15 minutes so he knows he gets the 'real time'
7.40 - Two stories - his choice - and two songs - his choice
8pm - I go away. Once I'm gone I promise I'll go back every ten minutes to check on him, and I stick to it. This was key, once he realised I really did go back and check he relaxed much more. I used to have to go back 3, 4, 5, 6 times, now it's usually just once.
11pm - I lift him onto the toilet for a 'last wee' and put a nappy on him. It goes against some advice about bedtimes, but it's giving him so much more confidence now he wakes up dry in the morning

I hope that helps! It's taken a long time to build to that, but it works for us. I find giving him lots of warnings, an opportunity to eat before bed, intrinsic rewards ('if you're quiet while I put your brother to bed then I'll have longer to play') and choices ('just two stories, but you can choose') makes a huge difference.

Justdontgetitatall - sorry to hear you're struggling too I hope some of the suggestions that have been shared are useful to you?

Thank you Yoni I will try that. He has nursery today so he'll get home at about 5.45pm. I don't normally let him watch tv/dvd after nursery and early help & hv say not to let him have screen time so close to bed
But I'm aiming for -
5.45pm - home
6pm - snack.
Maybe half an hour on the tablet, along with a regular ten minute reminder (In 30 mins it's time for a bath, in 20 mins, in 10mins)
6.30 - bath. He's usually in in it for a good 15/20mins.
6.50 - Quiet game together.
7.10 - Brush teeth, toilet, drink of water.
7.30 - into bed, stories.
I'll probably have to stand outside his room when he's been put to bed. And I think I'll draw up a visual timeline so he can see (if it works).

You're honestly being so helpful and helping me stay sane!! Thank you [mug]

Whoops - meant

Good morning.
I've had a read through your post and I'm so sorry, I've been exactly where you are.
By 5 years old I thought my son hated me, this was the age he was eventually diagnosed with ASD.
It's so so hard and I spent many a day crying.
PP suggestions are very good, one other I would suggest (sorry if this has been suggested, I didn't see it) is I created a "safe place" for when DS was having a meltdown (hitting, kicking, crying etc), covered it in cushions and other soft things and put him there at those times, stepped away but I could still see him.
Routine saved my life, doing everything at the same time every day is difficult at first but you get used to it.
It gets better, it gets easier, I can't remember the last time my DS (now almost 7) had a violent outburst.
You're doing amazing

You really are doing amazing OP
Hang in there x
How did you both get on last night?

Hey, sorry couldn't post replied yesterday for some reason.

Yesterday we made up a bedtime routine timetable together, which we started last night. Started at 6 with a snack and ended in bed at 7.45pm. He was asleep by 8.10pm!!

I don't hold out much hope that it'll be that easy every night. Things usually work for two days and then he won't engage anymore 😖

I've a to do list as long as my arm today for the time he is at nursery this afternoon x

Brilliant news!!! Well done!!!!

Thank you, and thank you so much for your help regarding the routine structure. Fingers crossed tonight goes as well 🤞🏻

Look up the 'local offer ' on your local authority website to find out what services are available (or ring the LA), contact as many local services as you can who may be able to help, contact the health visitor, find your local sen parent/carer forum so that you can make friends with other parents in the same boat, the charity 'contact a family' might be able to help - they have a phone line. Contact your local children's centre and explain your situation. Even if you had a bad experience with homestart it could be different staff/management now. Do not sugar coat it and explain that you feel that you want to put your ds in foster care and need help and support, now. This will take effort but you need people around you to help you and your ds and to give you a break.

Every sympathy. The constant battle of fighting to get your child any help or support is draining and soul destroying. You wouldn't wish it on anyone. It has broken me before. But you have no choice to continue. All on the SN boards wish you all the best OP. We are here for you, always, to at least sound off!!

OP I've just read The Out-Of-Sync Child (a book about Sensory Processing Disorder) and loads of the behaviours you describe are listed in there, especially noise sensitivity and not liking dirty hands etc. You should get hold of a copy.

I'm in touch with a private Occupational Therapist for DS1, who I suspect has sensory issues. Might be worth finding out if there's one near you?

Hi, thanks for all your replies.
Tonight wasn't as good, but he went to sleep at 8.30 so I suppose that's something!

How are you feeling now? More positive?

I honestly don't know. I think it's too early to tell.
We were out all day today, took a long walk, he played in the field and then went to soft play, he's asleep already! I'm absolutely exhausted so I'm not too sure that's an entirely viable, regular option 😶

I just read your thread, I've every sympathy as that age is so hard even without the addition of extra needs, my ds was a bloody nightmare. I cried so much during that time ! As a small emergency measure of needing a wash or something I used to put ds in the pushchair with my phone, that way I knew where he was and I wasn't arguing or having him kick me.

As I say I know you can't do that for everything but at least you know where he is and what he's doing.

You sound like you're doing a great job, try to give yourself a break

My friend has a very similar child, he is one of three and the other two are fine...he is so good at school but just seems to know all the right buttons to push to cause trouble at home...she has taken him to play therapy, psychologists etc and although there has been some improvement at times it's not great...I have no answers, just telling you this so you know that it is not your fault xx

And tonight DS is being a nightmare again. So now downstairs is banging and playing his music as loud as possible because he can hear DS 😡

How helpful of your neighbour. Is DS asleep yet? Mine's been a nightmare today too. He's been poorly so is knackered and even more emotional than normal. I'm exhausted.

Its been a hellish night. Ended up calling 101 and reporting my neighbours behaviour.
DS sat in his bed crying that the banging was scary and he was too scared to sleep 😫
He settled eventually.
I'm finally getting some dinner and having a large glass of wine.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Has your DS settled yet? Sorry to hear he's poorly 😞 That makes everything so much harder doesn't it x

Just wanted to send you love and say you sound like a really good mum, I hope you do find some support with the very tough challenge you've got. Xx

Thank you, I don't feel like a good mum.

Tonight aside, today was quite tough anyway, he bolted again so spent the whole time we were out with his wrist strap on (to stop him running) and he kept hitting me. He was very "bite-y" today aswell so he had his chewy toy in his mouth the whole time we were out. X

Sorry it was tough today and well done keeping him safe. You do sound a wonderful mum and it is just hard as you don't get an easy time.
I really hope things get easier for you. If it helps you are never alone as lots of us out here understand. I had to stop our car as DS undid his seatbelt threatening to get out on a busy road today . It is so hard, it really is, and I wasn't helped by a really kind mum telling me what to do to discipline him. If he was like other children I'd get it, but she hasn't had a child like him.