I don't want my DS anymore.

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

I know it's not a choice. I know I'm stuck with him.

He's 4. Possible ASD or similar. He's so violent, hits me, bites me, kicks me, punches, pinches, spits in my face, and headbuts me. He's got no toys in his room because he kept throwing them at me. So I took them all away. He doesn't even care. He doesn't care about any consequence or discipline. I've tried everything from shouting and losing my temper to sitting calmly on the floor and explaining why his behaviour isn't nice and "you're a good boy, but your behaviour is not nice".

I ran a bath an hour ago and I still can't get in it because he just will not go to bed. He's now staying in his room but he won't sleep. So I can't get in the bath. Now it's too late to actually bathe and shave and wash and dry my hair none of which has been done for a week I can't even cook myself some dinner because I can't stand out there in the kitchen long enough to even cook, let alone actually sit and eat.

It's just constant. He goes to nursery but then I have to fit literally everything else (shopping, paying bills, any meetings with anyone, any phonecalls because I can't use the phone with him around, my own appointments) has to be crammed into those 15 hours a week.
Have the Early Help worker out on Wednesday.

But I'm fed up. It's constant. I need a break and there's no one about to provide one. I just want to wash my fucking hair.

Meant to say, 'I'll do it too'. And I did.

I'm here and listening / reading too. My DS is similar in some ways. It's exhausting. I was also told it was all me when he was younger. When I had DS2 it was such a relief to realise it really wasn't!

We're just starting the ASD assessment process and we're getting play therapy through Bernardo's (might be worth seeing if there's anything similar near you?)

Do you get out and about much? I only ask as my DS is much worse if he's not had a chance to run off steam. We do a lot of waking /cycling /parks etc and it helps a lot.

I also find Lego incredible. He really, REALLY focuses when he has lego - at least long enough for me to get a cuppa!

I'm sorry if this is all stuff you've tried before. I'm just trying to think of things that might help.

Finally, have you heard of love bombing? It's a bit counter intuitive but it's all about giving loads of positive reinforcement about how much you adore him. Might be worth a google.

Hi, thanks everyone for your replies

I'm a bit confused by the love bombing aspect tbh, it's something we usually cover when talking about abusive relationship - can someone elaborate on it for me please?

It honestly doesn't matter what we do in a day, bedtime will still be a nightmare. The other day we went to the park, had a long walk there and back, but he still wouldn't go to bed
The weather has been pretty pants here so we have spent alot of time indoors lately but am going to start trying getting him out and about nearly every day.

I'm still trying to find the thing that makes DS sit down and concentrate for five minutes. x

And thank you MNHQ for the assist

Hi lovely, it sounds exhausting . A few things that worked for me were:

• taking Ds1 out whatever the weather. We had to be out the house, it was much easier.
• cutting down on internet time and TV. I know that is a hard one as sometimes that's the only break I would have, but behaviour for much worse if either of them has a lot of screen time.
• ask GP about melatonin to help sleep. I finally got it when Ds1 was 11, he had never slept through the night before then.
• look up local ASD group and Carers centre. I work as a parent carer support worker and the child doesn't need a diagnosis. We also help complete DLA forms.
• query what 'voluntary foster care' means. This may be respite with a different name. In the county I work in, respite can be several options and this is one of them.
• if you do end up getting DLA at mid or high rate, you should be entitled to Direct Payments and can choose how to use this for respite.
• ignore people when they say they don't have an issue with him. Many children with additional needs hold in all their anxiety etc until they see their mum/dad/primary caregiver
• on the other hand, do look for parenting courses which may help you develop other strategies to deal with his behaviour. A course on managing aggressive behaviour would be really beneficial.
• hang in there!! It won't be long until he's at school and they should offer more support. I would look round schools and ask them out they support SEN.

Just lastly, are there any older children he can play with? Sometimes it works better because they look up to older children but will also defer to them more so don't have as many clashes. I don't think I wrote earlier on but my eldest has additional needs so I'm not just coming at this from a worker angle. It's bloody tough but things tend to hit a plateau and you will have good times too. Epic post. Sorry x

@LuluLovesFruitcakes
Where abouts in the U.K. are you?

My DS is autistic, I am are extremely lucky that he isn't violent, however, I completely understand the 'not a moment to pee', it isn't in the joking '#MummyBlogger' way, it's literal.
I left DS unattended for maybe 3 minutes, and he's picked plaster off the walls to the size of about 2m x 2m
He's also incredibly strong, and doesn't understand any spoken language, so can't follow instructions at all.

Definitely apply for DLA! You don't need a diagnosis to do so, ask the Nursery for a meeting with their SENCO leader, they should offer you some help with the forms

have you heard about homestart? it's a voluntary charity but they can get someone to come over and help you out for a couple of hours once a week. here's a link www.home-start.org.uk/home-visiting

Love bombing: www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/sep/22/oliver-james-love-bombing-children

Thank you for the link for love bombing, I will have a read in a minute.

I had a bad experience with Homestart before (not really related to DS) and I would honestly never want to relive that.

Unfortunately it's the nursery SENCO that is leading the charge that there's nothing wrong with DS. She very, very much thinks it's all me. I felt fully supported by the nursery staff right up until I asked them to fill out a form thing for his first assessment. Now they go above and beyond to tell me what a neurotypical "boisterous" boy he is and how perfectly, completely, totally normal he is.

Oh Changed that resonates so much! Usually I can leave him in the bath playing nicely in the water, with regular checks on him. Last night he poured the entire litre bottle of bubble bath into the bath in the 30 seconds I wasn't in the room. Went for a wee this morning and he decided to climb on the bannister to try and reach something on the ceiling

Voluntary foster care, parent signs a form to say they want to or agree to putting the child into foster care. From what my social worker told me, if a parent approached ss and wants to put their child into foster care then it becomes a child protection issue. She said if I asked for voluntary foster care, there's a good chance I wouldn't get him back.

The Early Help worker is going to take us to one of those coffee mornings for families with kids with additional needs.

I don't really have many friends, certainly not ones with older kids. He has a couple of friends his age and younger, he has a half-brother who is older but we don't get to see them quite as often as I'd like as I don't live in the area anymore.

Thank you all - you're really genuinely helping

The sun is out now and so we're going to go in the garden and play.

The bath is usually where DS is safest too! Until he decides to somehow muster the strength to turn the hot tap on and almost scald himself

I totally understand how completely relentless they are, and how alienating some parents and 'helpful' websites can be. It's exasperating trying to make people see that your child doesn't understand, so a naughty step wouldn't work, nor does taking a toy, nor does shouting.

We went above and beyond health visitors and nursery, we went to the GP who instantly referred us to a Pedeatrician. It's a long road, but knowing there's medical support is a huge help. In all honesty, that SENCO sounds terrible!
I keep a home - to - nursery book, where I write about DS's behaviour, what challenges I've had and what small positives I've had too. Nursery then write back at the end of the day, they tell me how he ate (if he ate) what he played with, what he enjoyed etc
Maybe that might help? Might let you build a bigger picture? Plus, it's all evidence to take to the GP/Pedeatrician in the later days

That's exactly it - I just don't even think he understands ?
I'm honestly unsure how much he understands and how much is willful naughtiness?

Like right now I'm trying to just ignore him, he keeps coming out of his room, into the living room and punching me. Intentionally. Because I'm ignoring him. I'm videoing him on the sly just now. And it is very intentional.

But then other times he either cant or won't follow simple basic instructions. Like earlier I asked him to take his bike hat off, so he tried to just pull it straight off of his head without undoing the clasp

He's just put his shoes on and decided to announce he's going to live somewhere else and he's not my child anymore.

Hugs. Where's he going?

Posted too soon. I didn't intend to be quite so flippant. It sounds like he's testing you. How did you respond? How are things now?

I did ask where he was going, he didn't know. He's asleep now (a whole 40minutes before the last couple of nights)
I completely lost my temper with him after a while. I genuinely think that that was what he wanted, for me to lose it?

In the end I laid down with him in his bed until he fell asleep. Gave me a few moments to think aswell.

I completely lost my temper with him after a while. I genuinely think that that was what he wanted, for me to lose it?
I used to think this about my son; it's like he pushes as far as he can to see when I'll break. Now I think he pushes because he wants me to reassure him. He needs to know that no matter how hard he pushes I'm still there. When he says the really bad stuff I try to stay quiet and say as little as possible. When he asks what I think, I tell him I love him and will always love him.

I know I'm sounding like a dick and it doesn't always work, but over the last few months I've tried really hard to avoid shouting and to do more cuddling, low voice talking etc and our home is much calmer than it used to be.

The toughest bit for me is getting over the judgment. My dad thinks I'm too soft with him, randoms on the school run seem to think so too, but I'm getting much better at gritting my teeth and ignoring them or saying "this works better for me". Good luck I hope you get some rest tonight.

Do you know what that's actually a really interesting angle, maybe that it was it is with DS? He wants to be reassured?
He asked me what would happen if he killed me. I told him I'd be dead and he'd go to prison because that's what happens to people that do really naughty things like that.

Lying in bed with him staring at his ceiling gave me some time to think really that I don't want to be that mum, or even that person, that screams and shouts. Alot of my parenting so far has been based on how my parents raised me, what my mother says I should do. I'm in therapy and coming to terms with the fact she's emotionally abusive, has never once validated how I've felt about anything and actually I don't want to be like her? I don't want to be the kind of parent she is. Sorry bit of a tangent there.

I'm sorry people judge you, it must be so much harder trying to deal with other people who don't really understand. x

And you're absolutely not sounding like a dick! You're being massively helpful

Just to cover all angles, could he be very tired which exacerbates everything? I used to think DS needed less sleep than all of us as he'd get busier and busier at night until a friend told me this was a classic sign of overtiredness. He shows less of the type of negative behaviour that was affecting all of us now in a very good, earlier routine now. mind you I think he needs to sleep earlier still but at least we now stick to a consistent bedtime.

That may not be a contributing factor but I do know if find it hard to function nicely when I'm tired too.

Also I do think you are doing all the right things and you are doing what looks an impossible task when like me you probably see a lot of the behaviour just carrying on. But bit by bit and with as much calm and love as you can reassure him with, i do think you are reaching him.

One other thing I like doing, especially when things have been tough, is to ask DS if he wants to do something together and I shut everything out to really give him positive attention and fun together. It somehow really helps as we stay connected even if it doesn't stop him lashing out and screaming at us all for the slightest thing.

I find the other parents thing hard too- I have a friend who gives me constant suggestions which DS would react much worse too (I think he has PDA but I've ever never seen anyone. It's well meant but hard to keep having to be polite and appreciative when I'd have tried all that if it would help.

What you are describing as "love bombing" sounds like "time in", an alternative to time out when children are finding their emotions too big to handle. May be worth a go?
www.parenting.sa.gov.au/pegs/peg83.pdf

I'm so sorry to read this, it's heartbreaking.
I don't have any advice but wanted to say that he loves you and you love him and I hope you get some help soon

I can't see how he's not tired to be honest, he's going to sleep at 9pm most nights and waking anything between 6-7am.
Bedtime routine means he's usually in bed between 6.30-7pm, but he's just screaming and playing up and won't sleep for hours.
Last night he was saying it was too loud and he couldn't sleep because it's too loud. He can hear birds singing and cars driving past, normal every day sounds from the neighbours.

I'm going to try and dedicate one day every weekend to "DS-time" and doing something exactly as he wants, whatever he wants (within financial means!) we do something similar anyway but not to the extent that DS has completely and total control over the day and activities. Do you extend that to whatever they want to eat aswell?

I'm also going to stop using time-out in his bedroom as I think that might be exacerbating the situation.
I started doing time-out in his room because it's the one room in the house that is totally DS-proof. He usually only goes there if he's been exceptionally naughty (violent, or done something dangerous) and is basically out of control, he usually will calm himself down eventually and gives us both a kind of time out where I can calm down and take a few minutes out as well so I can go back in and be calm and patient as opposed to me going in there angry and frustrated too.

He's playing quietly with Lego just now so will have a read through of the time-in link - thank you

Gosh you are doing well as it is not only exhausting but lonely when his nursery clearly don't get it. I am convinced DS has something up but similarly I get assured he's ok st school .
I do think he needs much mor me sleep from what you say , our DS is nearly 6 and is asleep for an hour longer (he was impossible to settle but I found a way in the end! After the usual bath and stories winding down time, we basically all had to go to sleep and lie in the dark as it was the only way he'd give up! Now he's in the routine it's much easier and it's made a big difference).

Try different things as putting him to bed too early May meant he's not ready- I try 7:45ish and we read a couple of books then lie quietly and he's asleep by 8:30.

I've never done time out but could that make him feel his room is a negative place rather than somewhere he has pleasant safe associations with?

just see what works and keep posting, I've not met a child in RL that reminds me of DS and I find it hard too. his moods just exhaust me.

Early Help visited today - she's chased up his reassessment, and it won't happen until the end of the year as they're so busy but they've said they're going to look at his social communication skills? I'm not sure what that means?
She also suggested going back to a controlled crying kind of technique, of putting him to bed all cuddles and kisses and when he gets out, he gets put back in with a firm voice. I do that every single night and it doesn't work. He just ups the ante and hits me. She's going to call me in the morning to see how tonight goes. Says to just keep as calm as possible and don't respond to him hitting me, and to basically not do anything until he's asleep. So no telly, no computer games, no radio, so that he doesn't think he's missing out on anything?

I do feel pretty defeated. I could probably deal with the constant supervision and attention he needs if he then went to bed and to sleep at a reasonable time like he used to. Because then I would be able to have dinner, have a bath, wash and dry my hair, run the hoover around, clean the house, do all those things I can't do in the day because he's so constant and can't be left for a millisecond.

Earlier I left him colouring while I quickly threw the recycling in the wheelie bin, I was out 10 seconds and he bolted down the stairs, out the front door and off up the road. It's exhausting.
I probably sound massively selfish moaning that I don't ever get time to myself, and people do say to me "well what did you expect having a kid"...I excepted a kid to sleep like he's always done. But I actually don't have enough hours in the day. I can't do anything at 9pm when he finally goes to sleep.

You don't sound remotely selfish, not even for a second. You sound like you are facing a harder challenge than most parents ever do and you sound like you deserve support to navigate this (I feel I could do with help too but I just don't know where to find it).

I would cut as many corners as you can- would your DS Hoover for you or help? (I know this sounds silly but mine likes doing it and even if he misses bits it still helps).

Control crying would never have worked for my DS I don't think. the turning of all tv off etc and even lights off throughout the house is the extreme we have gone for and I can get away with earphones if want to listen to radio near him!
I do hope you find things that help