It's just too much!

[FailingParent]

I need help. My 2 year old is completely out of control.
Bit of background... DD turned 2 recently, DS is 9 months old. My husband is in the forces is home every night but does go away for a few weeks here and there I am a SAHM.

My DD is just out of control. I don't know what to do. She screams at me, shouts, hits me and her brother or claws him or scratches him. I move him away and tell her she can't do it but she just does it again.

If she doesn't get her own way or just doesnt want to do something she will have huge meltdowns. Screaming, kicking, hitting, throwing things or biting etc.

I've tried the stern voice, I've tried being gentle and explaining why she can't behave like that and comforting her. I have even lost my shit and shouted at her. Nothing works.

I just don't know what else to do. It's me that stays home with her all day and is with her while her dad is away but she hates me. She wants DH to pick her up or comfort her, she wants him to play with her not me. She will physically push me away.

We are both so stressed and exhausted by it and it's starting to cause problems between us.

What can I do? How do parent her properley?

I don't want to seek outside help e.g. Health visitor yet I want to try work through this as a family.

Any advice at all would be so greatly received.

Anyone any advice?

Giving choices rather than orders can work. Eg. Would you like to wear the blue coat or the red one. They start decided which they prefer rather than thinking 'do I want to wear a coat'. Routines are good. I am very much in favour of getting out of the house every day...toddler groups, farm visits etc. Give her lots of love, cuddles and attention. Lots of praise for loving and kind behaviour. Fight the battles worth fighting only. Try to catch her before she starts hitting etc. Talk lots, let her know what's happening and why. Ask her opinion on plans (as long as you can change them!). Remember that it is just a stage, she is still so little. Explain why she can't do X, but avoid just saying no as much as you can. Tell her that she is your lovely girl and shower her with affection. Make sure she eats, drinks, sleeps etc regularly as tiredness, hunger etc can cause bad behaviour. Consider putting her in nursery for a couple of mornings for a break?

Only having one coat I used to give the option "do you want to wear your coat forwards or backwards?"

Just be aware though that the backwards option gets lots of people stopping you and asking if you're aware they have the coat on backwards. Like they've done all the buttons up their back without help...

I feel your pain, I have been through this recently with ds who is 3, we implement a star chart and really pushed recognition and reward and it worked. I was actually amazed at how it changed our situation. Also we really focused on feeling both ours and other people's and introduced a chart of colours showing emotion so he could visually see it.
I know how hard it gets but try and stay strong, this is part of their development and they will come through it. You are doing a great job!