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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Nursery nightmares

13 replies

user1492095161 · 13/04/2017 16:21

Hi - I'm a new member so apologies if I've posted this in the wrong place, still finding my way around! My 3.5 year old daughter has been attending the same nursery for a year and a half now (2 days a week), and it seems we're suddenly back to square one - screaming hysterics about going there and an awful scene when I drop her off. I feel so guilty. The nursery staff say she's fine as soon as I've gone - but then they would, wouldn't they? I've tried to talk to her about it but all I can get out of her is that it's "too hard" and she wants to stay at home. She did mention a couple of times recently that her best friend at nursery hurts her, or walks away when she tries to play with her, but staff at the nursery say this isn't true and a lot of children her age start experimenting with fibs to see how much attention they get. I've explained to her that she doesn't have to be friends with this person if it's no fun, and she should stay away if she really does hurt her. I've even asked her if she'd rather go to another nursery where she can make new friends but her only response is that she doesn't want to go to nursery at all, she wants to stay at home. What do I do?! I can't decide whether this is normal or whether there's a real issue here :o(

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JiltedJohnsJulie · 13/04/2017 22:50

Hello user and welcome to MN

Has anything changed in her little world like a new sibling or house move? How many hours is she at nursery for?

NeverShine4me · 13/04/2017 22:56

I would want evidence. Can you leave a iPad there and ask them to take photos of her playing with others/being happy? If they can't do that on your device then in one of their own.

user1491572121 · 13/04/2017 23:03

NeverShine you can't ask that of a busy nursery and anyway, even if they DID agree to do that, they could easily just take a snap of her in one single happy moment and ignore more miserable ones.

Many kids have a few happy moments during nursery....but at this age only remember the stressful ones.

OP I would be slightly about nursery saying "it's not true and sometimes they experiment with lies at this age" because it's a particularly unhelpful thing for them to say.

DId they show no understanding or concern at all? A good nursery will work with you to work out what DD"s problem is...not just dismiss it.

Original poster

user1492095161 · 18/04/2017 12:23

Thanks all. It does bother me a bit that the nursery don't seem concerned - but on the other hand, whenever I go to pick her up she's running around in the garden with the others and seems quite happy! She's gone to the same nursery twice a week for the last year and a half, although I have to admit they are long days for a little one (8am - 5.30ish). There have been no upheavals or changes at home, so I can't pinpoint what the issue is unless she genuinely has fallen out with her best friend at the nursery. Could this blow over if we deal with it calmly?

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thethoughtfox · 18/04/2017 13:10

Learning how to make friendships is hard for little ones. Mine calls me through every night after being in bed for half an hour and wants to talk though all her nursery issues ( doesn't always make a lot of sense) but she she gets upset and stressed about feeling left out or boys pushing her and needs to talk it through before she can relax and sleep. Your is perhaps finding it a little tougher. If she seems happy when you pick her up, then there's probably no need to worry. BTW they often exaggerate things. Mine seemed very upset about a big boy pushing her. The staff ( with witnesses) said that dd was following the big boy about all morning not giving him any space and they did seem to be playing together. I think he was probably trying to get some peace from her.

Original poster

user1492095161 · 18/04/2017 14:15

Thanks, thethoughtfox. I think you're right about them exaggerating sometimes and she does tend to play on things whenever she sees the slightest bit of concern from myself or my OH! At the end of the day we're in no position to keep her home from nursery as we both work (Grandma looks after her on the other days)... and she's hardly the shy and retiring type so I find it hard to imagine her truly being pushed around by anyone! I'm hoping this is just a stage and we can ride this one out...

OP posts:

5moreminutes · 18/04/2017 14:24

I actually remember one of mine suddenly got clingy and unwilling to go into Kindergarten, crying and wailing, at 3.5 after having initially settled easily and having been there happily five mornings per week for four or five months. Kindergarten said it happens quite often after the first holiday (in our case it was going back after Christmas). There weren't any underlying problems though she did claim a boy had chased her with a spanner (turned out this was because she'd taken the hammer he'd been playing with and hit his hand with it - DD was a great one for eloquently telling half the story and not lying but omitting crucial details!) so it was six of one and half a dozen of the other...

Has your DD had time off over Easter? It seems this is an age when they really notice the change in routine and want to exert more control over where they spend their days.

Original poster

user1492095161 · 18/04/2017 14:40

Hi 5moreminutes - she did have a 4-day break for Easter so going back to nursery (or I should really say Preschool) was especially difficult this morning. But this whole problem has been going on for a couple of weeks now. We've sat her down several times to talk it over and I do start to wonder if she's picked up on our concern and is making a bigger deal of it than necessary. At the end of the day her argument seems to be that she shouldn't have to go at all, it's "too hard" and she would rather go to Grandma's every day (where no doubt she spends her time watching CBeebies and eating peaches but what can I do, mum's 69 and giving us free childcare so I can't ask for more!!)

OP posts:

Enelya · 18/04/2017 14:53

How much of a faff would it be for her to go fewer but shorter days and your mum just have her some afternoons?

Original poster

user1492095161 · 18/04/2017 15:05

Enelya, at the moment DD goes to nursery 2 days (Tues & Thurs) and my mum has her the rest of the week, at 69 I really can't ask my mum to take on any more than that..

OP posts:

Enelya · 18/04/2017 15:53

Sorry I had a brain fart, I meant more often but shorter! For example if she went tue, wed and thurs but you mum got her at 3 sometimes? Your mum would have to be available more days but shorter hours?

It's just that I've often heard it recommended that 2 days is harder for kids to settle because they are not there often enough, and she would get more "down time" with your mum in the later afternoon when she's tired.

I totally get that you have to think really carefully about what you ask your mum to do.

Original poster

user1492095161 · 18/04/2017 16:08

Do you know Enelya, I hadn't even thought of that!!! Doh. It's definitely worth looking into though so thanks for that... will talk it over with OH and Mum, see what they think x

OP posts:

Enelya · 18/04/2017 18:17

I know it seems counterintuitive but my childminder stopped taking children for less than 3 sessions a week because they didn't settle well. From September you should get 30 hours free (I think?) so it should've too much more expensive.

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