Anxious 6 year old

[Lizann]

My almost (next month) 6 year old DS has always been an anxious child, prone to worrying and fretting about real and imagined things, not good at separation from me (even at this stage). He worries about things like getting lost, me not coming to collect him, and change in general. I really thought he'd begin to improve as he got older but unfortunately that's not happening.

He's just finishing his first year at school and things weren't so bad I guess. But I think this has been mainly due to an excellent, caring teacher and his over-reliance on his best friend who (bless him!) really looks out for DS. But he is still very nervous going in to school each morning and won't do things like going to birthday parties or visiting friends homes (unless I stay with him). Has anyone else had experiences like this with their kids and could you advise how I can increase his self confidence and reassure him once and for all!

I can't talk about my own children but I have a younger sister who was exactly like that. She would never go to parties (unless I was with her) and when we went on sleepovers, she used to say she had a really bad headache so that my mum would come and pick her up so she could go home.

She is now a teacher (something I could never do!) and although she is still incredibly shy and reserved, she's happy. She was never one at school to have loads of friends but she always had one or two who she was really close to (who were generally as shy as she was) and I know that my mum (and their parents) used to encourage them to spend a lot of time together and do activities together that they would have been too scared to do on their own.

She says to this day that she wished mum and dad had been a bit more 'nurturing' and given her more encouragement as she felt they were pushing her a bit and she wasn't ready for it. It's difficult but I guess you have to go at the child's pace - perhaps you could start by just popping out round the corner (while he plays at someone's house) and come back after 15 mins and then gradually make that time longer?

I hope someone can give you some advice!

Foxinsocks, thanks so much for those encouraging words. I was quite a shy child myself so I guess I shouldn't be too surprised that DS is similar, but it does get a bit trying when he's getting to the stage of asking me which room I'm going to be in when he's out playing in the back garden! Still, I guess we're all different and it's certainly encouraging to hear about your sister. DS does rely a lot on his older brother too. Thanks again

i was a very shy child made worse by my mother making me do things/shouting at me when i wouldn't join in/physically drgging me over to join games. you can imagine the effect that had. i slowly grew in confidence as i became an adult. i am a teacher and have no problems talking to a class of children but change those 35 children into 10 adults and i'm a nervous wreck.

i was determined that my children wouldn't be as me. with dd i praised everyhgting at every opportunity, told her she was beautiful reinforced how we loved her. it worked she is a generally confident girl but i see that there is potential there for her to be shy and i am convinced she would ahve been shy with different parenting. with ds i was a little more laid back -- praised him but not for everyhting everytime, told him he was beautiful and how we loved him. he isn't so confident, with other children he is fine but not so adults, he won't chat to shopkeepers/waiters as dd will. but both of them have more confidence than i had.

so my advice to you would be praise, praise, praise every little thing that demonstrates some indepenence or confidence. his small steps will hopefully become bigger.

Lizann

The description of your DS could have described me exactly when I was his age. I was terrified that my mum wouldn't collect me, that I would be kidnapped if I went to a party and so on. I remember my mum bribing me to go to a birthday party!
In my case, I was a very confident child until I started primary school. I definitely think that my insecurities were connected with an unhappy school life (but I am talking about an extreme situation where teachers were very cruel to children and there was a lot of bullying generally) and that I could not articulate them -I therefore became a 'worrier'. Has your ds always been like this or did he 'become' a worrier?
I grew out of this very gradually and when I went to secondary school became a lot happier. Although I can still be shy in some situations, I wouldn't say that I was an anxious adult.

I do, however, understand your concerns. My 3 year old is becoming a worrier and needs a lot of reassurance. In her case, her anxieties are definitely linked to incidents at her pre-school (one of which she only observed). I wonder whether (hard though it is for their parents) there are some children who are just more prone to picking up and expressing anxieties, than others?
I have come to the conclusion that the only thing you can do is continually reassure them that they are safe, and perhaps pinpoint another adult who they could go to if they were worried, eg at a party. This is what we have done with my dd over her school anxieties - we emphasise that we trust her teachers (and name them) to look after her and that we know that she could go to them if she was worried about something.

friend has a prob of inder confidence wiuth hers and she has 2 stratgeies

1. when he says e.g " oh but the icnema is scarey" she has started making a joke out of it and saying oh yes it really is blabla and he then argues back it isnt - so it wa s little attention seeking

2. other friend has decided that he need more information about the day - a pictoral rota on the wall of what he does each day so he feels in control

3. anpther friend panders to hers and fannys around at school waiting fro him to hang his coat up etc and makes it worse!

doh! thats three ( more friends)

We've been through exactly this with my youngest, Lizann. It got so bad with dd2 that I was having to work out in advance answers for practically every possible scenario that could occur on any given occasion. As well as us trying to boost her confidence, Dd's teacher was lovely and really tried to help by giving her little errands to do, first with an older child and then on her own, small things like that.

Now, just over a year later, the old dd and the new are unrecognisable! She has blossomed so much, has much more confidence and this term has had great fun helping next year's intake of children on their orientation days at school.

Over the past two years we have moved from the UK to Indonesia and back again, which I think was partly responsible for dd's anxiety, but now it seems that her varied experiences have been incredibly beneficial to her and she's coming on in leaps and bounds.

Good luck with your ds.

Thanks everyone for your advice, it's nice to know that there's some light at the end of the tunnel if you have all turned out so well! I am trying to reassure him as much as possible and not push him into situations that I know he'll find difficult. But at the same time I do want him to try new experiences and be able to cope with change. He's been so anxious going into school this past week (I think it's because his best friend hasn't been around cause he's on holidays) and am looking forward to the end of the school year (and dreading the start of the new one, getting used to a new teacher etc...). But I'll persevere and keep reassuring him! Thanks again everyone.