Will not give up his nappies at 3.7. Am I still going to be wiping his bum at 18?! Help.

[lockie1983]

DS is bright, articulate and fully capable of understanding using the potty, toilets, where his wee and poo comes from and when it is coming.

He WILL NOT use a potty or toilet. Screams the place down if I suggest it. He doesn't care about reward charts it stickers. We've read books and he's picked pants (which he won't wear).

I've tried not mentioning it for a few weeks at a time and still nothing.

I was fairly chilled about it but now everyone is commenting on how old he's getting to be in pull-ups. He's the only one in preschool not using the potty or toilet in some form.

I figured that after Christmas he'd probably just start wanting to go but as the weeks go on nothing changes.

He doesn't like the potty but can't articulate why.

If anyone says "oh but big boys wear pants/go on the potty" etc he just smiles and says "that's not right. I'm a big boy and I don't use the potty"

Anyone have a (very) late potty trainer? Please tell me it's more common that everyone makes out!

I know very little about autism but I would say he is very headstrong.

I did think sensory issues but ... All the food control he does at home he doesn't do at nursery. At nursery he eats everything no matter what it is. It's just my cooking he hates

The fact that he likes rules might work in your favour once you get him out of nappies - if, e.g. the new rules are, 'all the wee goes in the toilet, then you flush and wash your hands'

I'd be inclined to try what long suggested and 'run out' of nappies one day wish I'd thought of that with my DS

My DS is 3 months off turning 4 and still in nappies. Although if his nappy is off, he knows he's about to do a poo or wee and can wait until he's on the toilet. I've always had the view that he'll be ready when he's ready and rather than bribe him or stress either of us out about it, I'm just waiting for him... I've only just very recently started doubting that he'll ever get there!

Luckily I've not had (or not bothered to notice) any comments about it (except from my mum, which I ignore).

Just wanted to comment so that you know he's not the only one.

Poor you. It must be costing a fortune in pull-ups too. I understand how comments from others must get you down. It sounds like you have already done all the useful things to help him get there. I think you need to wait for him now and try (where possible!) to not seem bothered by it. Good luck

If you are serious and would like him out of nappies buy a terry nappy. Tell him the shop has run out but they have this type which children wore in the olden days. Half the problem now is kids aren't wet next to their skin. Put it on him and when he's had a wee and a poo in it and is wet and uncomfortable ask him if he wants it off. When he says yes explain the only thing you can put on him now is pants.

Worth a try?

My DS2 was very similar to your DS. I would say that we only really fully cracked toilet training in the last few weeks before school! Like your DS, he was very bright and verbal, just very, very adamant that he was NOT going to give up his nappies.

I tried every tactic but in the end the only thing that worked was not buying any more nappies at all, and just saying ;No, there's no nappies left' cheerily. I had to buy pull ups for bedtime as he wasn't reliably dry, but then because they were different to the daytime nappies, he didn't see them as 'nappies' iyswim. I'd just say, 'They're for bedtime, like pyjamas - not for in the daytime,' which he accepted.

There was a lot of footstamping for a few days, but I just distracted, distracted, distracted him and praised him if he managed to get to the loo on time. Yes, I had more washing, but it worked pretty quickly when I refused to back down (though I did feel mean at first).

He was also keen to go to school, and knew he needed to use the loo there. TBH DS was fully capable of being toilet trained a long time before he actually did it. He just didn't want to do it. Small children can be very, very stubborn! Good luck OP.

Julie-I wondered if it was a sensory issue too. Especially as you say he much prefers to have clothes on.

Him saying 'I'm a big boy and I don't use the potty' made me laugh-he's absolutely right! He sounds very bright and funny.

You say you've tried not mentioning it for a few weeks at a time. Could you try not mentioning it AT ALL and get nursery to do the same. I know it must be tempting to keep asking him, especially as he does sound ready but he might come round by himself if the pressure is completely off.
Maybe try exposing him to nappy free time without him realising, so change his nappy then pretent you've left the new nappy upstairs, get 'distracted' on a phone call. Or get him undressed for the bath and then say 'oh silly me, I've done the bath far too hot. Just wait there while I sort it'. Make no mention to him not having a nappy on.

You could take charge and force the issue but it doesn't sound like you feel that is right for your DS and I'm a great believer of trusting your instincts in parenting. You said he can't articulate why he doesn't like it and it doesn't seem right to force him into doing something without knowing his reasons why.

OP - I could have written every word of your post about my DS1. We used to tell him big boys use the potty and he would say "but I am the kind of boy that wears nappies". At 3.6 I tried taking the nappies away and he refused to wee for 8 hours until I cracked and gave him a nappy!

At 3.8 I reached a compromise - he wore the nappy but sat on the potty. Then over about 4 weeks we gradually agreed to loosen the nappy a bit at a time so eventually the nappy was sitting in the potty rather than attached to him. From there it was easy to persuade him just to use the potty in exchange for a long-promised reward.

I think he just needed to feel in control of the whole process. I remember being really worried at the time and wondering what I was doing wrong, but I think it was just his personality. A couple of years later at the age of 2.6 DS2 trained himself in one day flat and I couldn't believe my luck!

Good luck!

The pants thing - maybe some of it is he doesn't want to wee on his favourite character? Maybe buy some plain ones and just leave them in his room without comment?

Don't stress. You and he are fine. School is months away.

I have loads of kids and nannies for tonnes. They all trained at different ages and none went to school in nappies. 17 months til over three.

It's really interesting to get all the different stories and perspectives and u definitely don't feel quite as rubbish to hear that we aren't the only ones facing this!

Thanks for all if your very thoughtful responses and interesting tactics. I like longs idea of "running out" of nappies and also oleo and others who suggested Terry's type it reusables. Think those two ideas might work together at some point.

little I am going to encourage more accidental free nappy and naked time and am definitely getting him more involved in changing himself so it's more of a hassle to him than it's worth. You're right actually, I don't want to force him, I've always been led by him, I think I need to just stand up and suggest nursery back off for a while.

He mentioned that he will use the potty on Saturday this morning (!) but as he still says "by I used the potty already, on Thursday" for the time he used the potty at nursery back in November I have little hope it will happen

After the weekend I'm going blanket ban on mentioning the potty for the rest of the month and then gradually will try some of those things mentioned here.

I'm sure he will do it suddenly and effectively, knowing him. Probably when it's least convenient to me! He just needs to think it was his own idea.

Thank you all again for restoring my faith in myself. Unmumsnetty type rambling

Argh! Typos. You get the drift

Mine was about 6 weeks off going to school and was still in pull ups.

When questioned he said he would always have his nappy.

He said exactly the same thing as your son about being a big boy but I explained that he really wasn't as he still wore pull ups and real big boys didn't wear baby nappies.

He got it about 3 weeks before school started

Make sure you tell the nursery and family/friends not to mention it to him. It does sound like the more everyone goes on, the more determined he is not to do it!

If he does mention going on the potty, I would play it down as much as possible. Some kids can get a bit overwhelmed with over the top praise, especially if they are older. I used to say you must be very pleased with yourself, well done in a matter of fact way so it was something they were doing for themselves because they wanted to, rather than to make mummy happy if that makes sense.

I used washable and I don't know if that had any affect but with my youngest he was in pyjama pants and I ran out. Dry since. Lazy bugger definitely. Won't tell you his age.

My DS was almost 4 before he was ready to use his potty. As others have said he literally just got it in a matter of days. It took a few weeks to be completely dry and was still in night time pull ups until almost 5. The thing that helped him I think was buying a really sturdy wide dinosaur potty (that he loved). Within a few months he was completely accident free even on a day trip to London from Wales.

Basically, just stop using nappies. Get rid of them and don't bring them back. He'll protest for a day or 2, and yes you'll have some accidents but then he'll decide he'd rather use the potty than get all messy. But do not bring back the nappies. If you have none in the house and don't mention them he'll adjust much quicker.

Just to check.
Do you have an insert for the toilet to make the seat child size, and a step so he can reach it independently?

We have one of those ones that go on top and a step - would an insert one be better?

Is there anything he really wants? A new bike or similar... That only toilet users can have?

Sympathies. My just turned three year old loves nappies. We just got rid of them as someone suggested. Didn't really work, 5 weeks on she still wees on the floor 70% of the time. On purpose. Argh...

Well ... To update, yesterday we had some accidental non nappy time - he didn't freak out but did gently remind me both times after about 15 minutes that I'd "forgotten to fetch his pull up"

This morning he was ademant he was not using the potty. DH decided to bribe reason with him and once a harribo was mentioned he happily sat on the potty for 15 minutes (he didn't want to get off),

He had pants all morning, sat on the potty multiple times for a sweet but our only wee was on the floor.

I don't like the idea of sweets for wees but it does prove that his reluctance/fear is a little bit exaggerated.

Still mulling over the long term..

Our HV suggested pants under nappies to feel the wetness and be slightly uncomfortable too.
My DS is approaching 3 and is similarly disinterested in the potty, he prefers the toilet, with a seat over - he will sit on it and wee but wants a pull up on the rest of the time, and won't ask to go. If I nag remind him and put him on the toilet then he can do a little dribble on demand boys!!
My girls were both toilet-trained at 2, this little boy of mine is a conundrum to me!

Mine wouldn't use a potty but had a seat over the toilet and a step. I would just stop buying daytime nappies and tell him that's how it is now. You'll need him sorted out before he starts school (ideally).

I wouldn't worry about bribery either

Mine got a chocolate button for every wee until he started doing barely a drip for a chocolate . I then made a chart. A star for every wee and the last square was a picture of the toy he wanted. Worked a treat. Done in no time. Had the odd accident when out but nothing to much.

Slight tangent, but it's not the nursery key worker's responsibility to potty train someone else's child. And it's most certainly not the reception teacher's, so as lovely as everyone is being it does need to be sorted by the parents before the age of 4 at the very latest. Obviously if there's a developmental issue that's different. But imo once the child is beyond a certain age, if they have persistent accidents the parents should be the ones to come to school and deal with it. Yes I'm a teacher of mainly nursery and reception children and as harsh as it may sound I didn't bust my balls undertaking masters level qualifications in order to nappies or toilet train. There's enough other stuff we're expected to do.
I like the suggestions about getting him involved in cleaning up his own mess and the one about the shop "running out" of nappies.