I feel totally defeated by a five year old!

[Flip]

I feel so crap right now and I can't even pick myself up to go to a meeting this evening that I've been looking forward to for weeks. So I've just sent an E-mail of apology for missing it and now I feel worse.

Ds1 has finally ground me down and I've got nothing left. I walked away from him at school this afternoon and would have left him there had he not noticed me leaving and followed me to the car hitting me and screaming at me for walking off.

All the reserves of energy I had and the will to suceed with ds1 have gone. His appointment with CAMHS is in two weeks and it feels like a life time away. I want to leave now and never come back.

I tried to call the GP's but the only doc I could see is one I can't stand and I know I'd probably have done something stupid if I'd seen her so I didn't bother. Instead I phoned my HV and begged and cried for help. She suggested social services and I said yes. I said they could take ds1 away if they wanted I was past the point of caring.

The HV asked if I had any family support. Dh hates coming home from work at nights and dreads weekends because it means spending time in hell. My parents are just piling on the grief and it was my mother who tipped me over the edge today. So no, I have no support.

I just feel so crap and bits kept creeping out on other threads so I thought I'd better start my own.

Sorry for the out pouring and it hasn't made me feel any better, just more tired.

Found you!!!
I can't say I totally understand how you're feeling having not been in a similar situation but i do feel for you having such a hard time.
Primarily, you must feel fed up/angry/upset because you are the main carer for a very lively 5 year old to whom you can't communicate easily because he's too young etc. And you have none to rely on to share this constant stress. It must be v v v difficult. Has he always been like this? Of course he doesn't hate you, i don't believe such a young child can hate but he must be fed up with something himself, or he wants more attention or something like that. something is bothering him probably. I really don't know what to suggest for such instances and i don't want to advise anything because maybe you only want a chat not a magic answer. Is it all possible for you to spend a fuul day (i.e sat or sunday) just with ds, going out somwher just being together? It would probably require a lot of effort on your part but he might start seing you as a fun and loving mum that you must. I won't read what i've written because i'd delete evrything as it's not v coherent but just thoughts going through my head

Oh hell, how awful for you. Don't have the words or advice, but hang in there

So sorry to read that you'refeeling like this Flip. I have no advice here as I am out of my depth on this one. Just ((((hugs)))) and support for you.

him chasing after you and grabbing at you, suggests to me (not that i'm an expert by the way) that he wants to be close to you and not loose you. Even hitting you, isn't that a form of physical closeness even if the opposite of hugging?? Or is it all very simple, like he needed a lift home and expected you do that for him , hence got angry for being left on his own. Can you wait for him in the car next time so you don't have to face all these scenes? Is this helping at all or am i really not getting the situation here?

Lots of hugs and support from here. Have a tough 5 y-o DS to deal with too. Does your DS go into meltdown really easily, and then afterwards is sorry and often can't remember what he's done in mid rage (like red mist descending)?? when he's in a rage does he have difficulty expressing what is the problem (apart from shouting, swearing and saying aggressive things)?? Just wondering as from what I can see from your posts today it sounds like he has a problem communicating his frustration and takes it out on you. If this is the case then there is a book I can recommend (and you can get it from Amazon) called 'The Explosive Child'. It is about inflexible and (surprise, surprise) explosive children - basically giving a different view point on them and some ways of handling them. I have found it very enlightening about DS and thought I'd say just in case it would help you.

Lots of love,

WMxx

Hi Flip, what are the issues with your ds? You do sound desperate but I am sure there are ways to turn this round. He is still only very young. I suspect this afternoon he was panicking.

He does have meltdowns. Have a look at this

Flip, this is probably too glib and simplistic, but do you think he's still bothered by all this stuff that went on with the other boy? (the abuse, effectively?). I know it doesn't help you if that's the case, but maybe he might benefit from some counselling, do you think?

You poor thing, I really feel for you.

Flip, just read the other thread and I REALLY think the book will help you - even if it's just to help you get a 'handle' in your head to cling on to and some techniques that will maybe help cut down meltdowns and therfore spare you from expending such vast amounts of emotional energy. We are currently waiting to see the Ed Psych with DS (see the Not Coping With His Temper thread which has been incredibly resurrected tonight!) and I am looking at everything I can to help him learn how to handle his temper better, including Cranial Osteopathy. It is such a long slow uphill struggle isn't it??

Please feel free to contact me via MN or I am on MSN and my email account is WedgiesMum(at)hotmail(dot)com

Flip - I've just had a quick read of part of one of your previous threads. You, your dh and your ds have had a really tough time lately. It's totally understandable that you're at the end of your tether and don't know what to do next. You must be worn out. I'm glad you've set up this thread. Although it's tough to write (and I understand when you say that it has made you more tired), the friends you have on MN will support you through. There are other organisations as well, the Samaritans, for example if you want to talk to someone else. I don't know enough to have a clear picture of the situation, but I am thinking of you. Sorry, this sounds inadequate, but I wanted to let you know that I care. tm xx

i read the other thread flip. what a difficult situation for you...obviously my ideas are not really applicable. don't know what to say. you really need to recover yourself first before starting again but don't know how you'd go about it. could you take a different approcah and see if any alternative solutions would improve his behaviour? You've probably done this already (diet change, Cranial Osteopathy like WedgiesMum mentioned, getting ds to do more sport : enroll him on a swimming, football, rugby, tennis, martial arts course so he learns to be more disciplined, find a particular interest that he has and channel his attention on that - for example if he's interested in cars, take him to a car museum that sort of thing). Can you take some time out for yourself? Because you really need it. Don't know what to say about involving social services, i don't know how they deal with such situations. in my view, you'd benefit moe from proper medical interest, support from his school and parents with simillar experiences. Lots of hugs xxxx

would ParentLine help?

at the Getting Help section

Ds1 plays football every night with his dad and they go swimming every Sunday morning. He also has swimming lessons during the week. We've cut his diet down to just pure foods and it's made no difference. He's bursting with aggression and his only outlet is me. Ds1 is an amazing swimmer and spends more time under the water than on top but he's only in the second class because he won't listen or do as he's told. If it's a different instructor he won't even get in the water. He's hurled abuse, ran off in just his trunks and dived in at the deep end and refused to come to the side.

He disapeared at school on Monday. The dinner ladies couldn't find him. Because he's in reception all the kids are grouped together from the dinner hall and walked back to the play ground so they are accounted for. Ds1 was missing and of course they noticed because of how loud he usually is. My dad works at the school and ds1 had decided that he was going seeing his grandad. When he finally returned to the yard with all the dinner ladies frantically searching for him all he had to say was "I had something to do, I went to see my grandad and there's nothing you can do about it!" . He's a brat! Another dinner lady was sweeping the floor because the kids had tred mud in. Ds1 shouted "Oy servant, you've missed a bit" . I don't care about how it reflects on me as his mother, but I do care about the name that's going to follow him all the way through school.

oh dear...what about a different school? i don't know. it appears he shows no respect for anyone. would a sharp shock tactic work with him do you think? maybe it's best to see what a specialist says and devise a plan with them.

Another school has crossed my mind and it will be one of the things I raise with the head master tomorrow. My dad thinks it's funny that ds1 behaves like this. I have little chance of training ds1 and no chance at all of training my dad. Sending ds1 to the school my dad works at was a big mistake.

only because of his behaviour, otherwise it'd have been fine. I have to go now. please get some rest tonight, have a nice bath and a glass of wine or herbal tea, whatever you prefer, it might make you feel better for a bit. Lots of people here are thinking of you. Take care!

Flip - my heart goes out to you. Don't know your full story but from those postings I've seen ( including the one about ds1's abuse), I really think that involving Social Services is a good idea. In fact, I'm surprised that they're not already involved given what has happened to ds1 at school. Social Services are not the 'kiddie-snathchers' that some people think and they are unlikely to 'put ds1 into care' unless, of course, they feel it to be in the best interests of his welfare. I know that you are saying that 'they could take ds away' but even if they did, would ds1 interpret that as a sign that he is being 'punished' for his abuse etc and simply make matters worse? A good children and family social worker (SW) should take an holistic view of your situation and offer support to you and ds1. Also, are you getting support re your PND? Ideally, the SW should also co-ordinate input and support from the other agencies involved ( school, medical etc) to ensure that you're getting support and help so that you can then fully support ds1. Sorry if this sounds inadequate and I wish that I could offer you instant solutions. Big hugs anyway.

Flip - Will your dh be attending the meeting tomorrow with you? I hope he's able to get time off work to do so if you want him to be there. I don't know what to say about your Dad and the fact that your Mum isn't helping at all means that you can't really ask her to talk to your Dad and make him understand. I would be very cautious about suggesting moving schools unless there's somewhere suitable with expertise in the problems you're experiencing. Can anyone help you to research this? tm xx

Gosh Flip, I don't know how I missed this before but I just wanted to say how sorry I am, this sounds awful. My son was difficult at 5 so I sort of know the feeling a bit, but I can't pretend to really understand what you're going through, this sounds much harder to deal with. I just wanted to send you sympathy through the ether.

Flip I don't really have any useful advice but just wanted to add my support. xx

flip, lots of sympathy. I think you did absulutely the right thing to contact your HV, and say you were ok about social services offering family support. I hope it comes quickly. I haven't read all your posts, and don't know how the school abuse thing is going, but the whole situation is causing you so much stress - you must get support asap.

Awww my support's here too

My friends son (a twin) sounds similar to your DS1 and she was given DHA on prescription. I think that's it? Anyway it helped a lot.

Flip, I can't think what to say that will help but you have been through so much lately, my heart goes out to you. Agree with everyone else that asking your HV and Social Services was the right thing to do - these professionals will also know what voluntary sector support is available for you locally (Meet a Mother - MAMA, foe example).
I just want to send you lots of sympathy and support - you've got your own health problems on top of a VERY challenging little guy to deal with. Keep posting here if it helps.