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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

Flip

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Original poster

I feel totally defeated by a five year old!

56 replies

Flip · 27/06/2004 23:52

I feel so crap right now and I can't even pick myself up to go to a meeting this evening that I've been looking forward to for weeks. So I've just sent an E-mail of apology for missing it and now I feel worse.

Ds1 has finally ground me down and I've got nothing left. I walked away from him at school this afternoon and would have left him there had he not noticed me leaving and followed me to the car hitting me and screaming at me for walking off.

All the reserves of energy I had and the will to suceed with ds1 have gone. His appointment with CAMHS is in two weeks and it feels like a life time away. I want to leave now and never come back.

I tried to call the GP's but the only doc I could see is one I can't stand and I know I'd probably have done something stupid if I'd seen her so I didn't bother. Instead I phoned my HV and begged and cried for help. She suggested social services and I said yes. I said they could take ds1 away if they wanted I was past the point of caring.

The HV asked if I had any family support. Dh hates coming home from work at nights and dreads weekends because it means spending time in hell. My parents are just piling on the grief and it was my mother who tipped me over the edge today. So no, I have no support.

I just feel so crap and bits kept creeping out on other threads so I thought I'd better start my own.

Sorry for the out pouring and it hasn't made me feel any better, just more tired.

OP posts:

Batters · 28/06/2004 13:07

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Issymum · 28/06/2004 13:27

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dinosaur · 28/06/2004 13:29

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Original poster

Flip · 28/06/2004 13:49

Thank you for all your support. It is a comfort.

Dh and I went to school this morning and spoke with the head master and the deputy head for over half an hour. It has been decided that there is going to be a "Child in Need" meeting which involves all the various agencies that can be bothered to turn up. I also arranged an appointment to have ds1's hearing checked to rule that out and I've been to the doctors myself and have agreed to counselling.

Dh is going to ask his boss if he can start work earlier and finish earlier so he's home for 4.00pm to help with the kids and also spend time with ds1. At the moment there is very little time for him after school because ds2 needs feeding and then we have tea, then bath time for ds2 and bed, then bath and bed for ds1.

But I've made some positive steps this morning and I asked the head master to speak to my dad and explain to him that he needs to distance himself from ds1 at school because it's bothering me how much power ds1 thinks he has.

So fingers crossed that we are taking some steps in the right direction.

OP posts:

mummysurfer · 28/06/2004 14:03

this all sounds like good news flip. you have done the hardest part now and hopefully thinks will begin to improve.

Original poster

Flip · 29/06/2004 22:40

I got a report home from school this afternoon which is what has been passed to the agency's who will be attending the meeting. I feel like the worst mother in the world reading it all back. The school have detailed that they think my child might be in danger because I've spoke about abandonning him. It also acknowledged how stressed I am and how single minded dh is.

Dh has managed to change his hours from Monday. he'll start at 7.45 and finished at 3.30pm My HV has been trying to get in touch all day because she's concerned. I just want to crawl under the nearest rock and never be seen again.

The meeting is at 3.00pm next Wednesday.

OP posts:

roisin · 29/06/2004 23:04

Flip, I've been reading this all week and wanting to post, and just not knowing what to say. My heart goes out to you all ... hang in there!

I think it's fantastic news that your dh has been able to change his shifts, and I'm sure you'll find that is a big help for each of the boys to have some one-to-one.

Honey, we've had some bumpy rides with ds1 in the past, but nothing like what you're going through. I just can't imagine how you are managing to hold it all together.

Original poster

Flip · 29/06/2004 23:05

I'm not holding it together Rosin and school saw that at the meeting on Wednesday morning. Hence the reason they are worried about ds1's safety.

OP posts:

roisin · 29/06/2004 23:34

I've been pondering what to put for 20 mins, and still can't come up with anything helpful to say.

I wish I could wave a magic wand and sort it all out. Is anything happening before Wednesday? Have you talked to your HV f2f?

School sound very pro-active btw. I do know of some schools who would wash their hands of children at this stage of the term, and just leave you to sink or swim over the summer. Hope you get some helpful solutions next week, if not before.

Branster · 29/06/2004 23:35

Hi Flip! A lot of positive things have happened yesterday morning: dh's schedule change, your meeting at school leading to an organized approach to ds's behaviour. It must be awful reading the school report. Unfortunately, they probably present the facts in a very dry manner: 'this is what we saw', so they are in fact only telling the truth because that's how they saw ds behaving and you reacting. Do not despair, please. All those coming to the meeting ahve to be open minded about individuals they deal with and do not feel you are judged just on some piece of paper. You will have a good opportunity to express your concerns, worries, ask questions and get some sort of specialists involved and get some structured help. You probably already have done it, but it's a good idea to write down exactly what you need to find out at this meeting. Make absolutely sure dh joins you at the meeting and presents himself as the dad he wants to be (involved and eager to improve the situation). I'm thinking of you and sending you lots of hugs. xxx

Tissy · 29/06/2004 23:44

also, the school may be "over-egging" the report (if that's the right phrase) in order to get you the help you need- it may not be as negative as it sounds.

mummysurfer · 30/06/2004 00:18

flip, i think school may have written the report in a manner that they know will get you the most support. i've been involved in these meetings before and people will be lovely, very supportive and interested in the well-being of you all, not just ds. i have been involved in some where the parents don't even bother to turn up, or they come along then are very abusive to everyone there yet still evreyone is very supportive.
i think it is a good idea to write things down before the meeting...things you want to tell them, things you want to ask. don't be afraid to bring up issues at the end that haven't been addressed or where you haven't been given an answer.
i would take along a note book to write down things of importance. they will be doing this too for their benefit. it will also help you remember who said would do what.
you could start a list now cos you'll be thinking of stuff all the time.
if i don't write stuff down i always come away thinking 'oh ..forgot to ask XXX' or 'what did he say would happen?'

i hope it all goes well for you and that the week passes quickly so your worrying can end.

tigermoth · 30/06/2004 10:13

flip, it must seen like an eternity till wednesday.

I agree with roisin it's good news that the school is organising this meeting before the end of the year. I'd have thought it would have been easy of them to postpone it till next term. My gut feeling is that this, combined with the 'over-egging' report, are both deliberate tactics to help you get the support you need. From what I've read of mumsnet threads such support is not handed out too freely, so it's good the school is taking your side and fighting for it.

My only suggestion to add to the others here is, can you find out in advance what could happen after the meeting? What sort of decisions and actions follow? There's no harm IMO in asking the school this. They can always say they don't know. But if they do tell you the range of likely outcomes, you can think about what one you want. Then prepare your case in advance so you get your preferred decision. Of course, you may change your mind on what you want once you are at the meeting. At least if you know the range of likely outcomes, you'll might feel more in control.

sending you a hug

roisin · 04/07/2004 14:25

Flip - I hope the meeting goes well today for all concerned, and that everyone has ds1's best interests at heart.

Thinking of you.

Original poster

Flip · 04/07/2004 14:29

The meeting is tomorrow and I'm dreading it. Also the school nurse has been trying to contact me for the last couple of days and we keep missing each other.

OP posts:

roisin · 04/07/2004 14:34

Yeah, I knew it was tomorrow ... that is I knew the meeting was on Wednesday, but I thought today was Wednesday. Which is a bit bizarre as if it was Wednesday I'd be at work.

Help, I think I'm losing my marbles!

I hope the meeting goes well tomorrow Flip.

dinosaur · 04/07/2004 14:39

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This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

moniker · 04/07/2004 15:00

Hi Flip - really hope it goes OK tomorrow and you get some good support. Mx

Jimjams · 04/07/2004 15:40

Good luck flip. Don't let them fob you off with couselling though- what you need is practical help.

Use the meeting to ensure that your ds gets a proper assessment with people suitably qualified to do it- not some crappy ed psych. Once you know what you are dealing with then your ds can start to get the help that he needs and you can regain some control over your life.

Those meetings are always hard. I've only ever lost it in one of them- when dh wasn't there. Any chance that dh can go as well- it makes a big difference emotionally.

If you are trying to get help form SS do be aware that it can be like banging your head against a brick wall. I have just phoned SS myself and lost it with them on the phone this morning- will see if it gets me anywhere. Apparently a more practical approach may be to ask for a care assessment- then you have to have one within a week. May not work as I'm not sure whether the child has to be disabled- but worth asking about anyway whilst you have everyone there.

coppertop · 04/07/2004 20:54

Best of luck for the meeting tomorrow, Flip. Fingers crossed that you and ds will finally get the support and reources that you need.

lars · 04/07/2004 21:05

Flip, just to say I do know how you feel and understand the frustration you feel with ds.

I am going through a difficult time with ds at the moment and know how desperate you feel to get things sorted out.

Just don't give up. larsxx

tigermoth · 05/07/2004 10:43

good luck for today, flip

Sonnet · 05/07/2004 12:34

Good Luck Flip -I'll be routing for you!

ponygirl · 05/07/2004 12:51

Good luck today Flip. I've been following your thread, having a 'lively' 5-year old of my own! I hope today helps get you the support that you need. xxx

WedgiesMum · 05/07/2004 18:13

Any news Flip?? thinking about you....

WMxx

Flip

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