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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Just about ready to walk out the door!

76 replies

Mamalexi343 · 17/12/2016 22:47

I'm having such trouble with my 3 year old dd I'm so close to losing it and walking out the door.

For the last month she has been so violent towards me, ignores me, cheeks me, winds me up, deliberately disobeys me, literally anything she can do she does

I know all children do this but I'm at my wits end! She doesn't behave like this with anyone else and I mean no one so everyone thinks I'm lying when I bring it up, it's so hard not to feel like she hates me (even tho she did say she loved daddy more than me)

I feel like my DH doesn't think I can cope and dropped the bombshell of he thinks we should wait a could of years to try for another baby, 3 days before I ovulate and we are due to start trying.

He says it doesn't seem right that I'm in tears every night because of DD and adding another baby into the mix is a bad idea.

I don't know what to do, I'm so fed up of my 3 year old literally beating me and being terrified to do anything around her because if I do anything she goes for me but I can't talk to anyone about it because they think I'm over exaggerating or I'm made to feel a bad mum

You guys are my last hope what do I do?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

user1477282676 · 18/12/2016 05:58

What strikes me here is that you're talking about your DD as though you're speaking about a much older child.

She's three...it's tiny.

She's not "violent towards you"....because that would assume she's deliberately abusive...but at three it's simply her inability to A. judge a situation and B control her temper.

You don't say in what circumstances she's hard to deal with...for example, is she worst at bedtime? Or at dinner time?

What's her general routine like? Does she attend nursery?

Out2pasture · 18/12/2016 06:05

Sounds like you need help and support before you try for another child.

GizmoFrisby · 18/12/2016 06:07

I have an 18mo dd who does the exact same. She's horrible to me and no1 else. Yesterday she threw a bottle of milk at me,sky remote,bit me etc. I find I have been far far too soft on her so yesterday I started doing time out. When she was naughty I put her in her cot for 10-15 minutes. She will soon get to realise that this behaviour isn't acceptable. My son was never like this. I've been told it's girls that are awful at this age. I have not much advice but wanted to say your not alone

Want2bSupermum · 18/12/2016 06:14

Find a naughty step or spot in your home. When behavior is bad, like no listening to direction, they get a minute for each year. For violence it's straight to bed to calm down. Leave them in there until you have calmed down.

Also think about how much sleep your child is getting. When mine are tired they behave like animals.

Ohdearducks · 18/12/2016 06:28

Have you had any advice from your HV? If she's only like this with you it does seem she's reacting to something between the pair of you, as if she's learned how to push your buttons and so pushes them.
Does she go to nursery?
What's her daily routine like?
Is she trying to get your attention by behaving this way? Could there be a vicious cycle of her having an outburst and you withdrawing from her emotionally leading to her trying to get your attention again by acting out and so on?
What is she like with her dad and how does he react to her behaviour?

Newtoday · 18/12/2016 06:40

Heard great things about a consultation (Skype) with this lady.

This also very empowering.

You need to throw time and energy at this. Both of you - your DH taking care of you and house, you giving yourself tlc and a big rest so you can break this cycle.

Sounds like a great idea to focus on her until you aim for a sibling.

Does she go to nursery?

Booboostwo · 18/12/2016 06:48

This will be hard to hear but I think this is not a good time to be trying for another DC. You sound very stressed and a pregnancy won't make things easier.

I would try to ignore your DD's feelings, she is entitled to them, but focus on the behavior. Do you use a warning technique? E.g. hitting hurts, if you hit me again I will take the toy (you are hitting me with) away, repeat and then take toy away, ignore fall out. If this doesn't work, time out might work. Reward techniques may also work, e.g. pasta jar for good behavior. Finally try getting her to displace some behaviors, e.g. hitting the sofa or even a punching bag.

Tomhardysmistress · 18/12/2016 06:51

I have to agree with your DH that if you have honestly got to the point where you feel ready to walk out the door, how can you even think about planning and actively trying for another baby now?

Can you imagine dealing with the situation with your 3 year old and also throwing coping with a newborn into the mix? I'm trying to understand the logic behind the idea of having another baby now. Do you feel that having another baby will improve your 3 year olds behaviour? It does sound like attention seeking and she is obviously pressing all the right buttons but I would definately put all plans for another child on hold until you have sorted this situation out.

I agree with another poster who has pointed out that you are viewing her as a manipulation adult. She is three and so I think you need to remind yourself of that she doesn't hate you, she is most probably getting attention through saying those hurtful things and (although I have brought up two DSs who are now in their teens I am no expert in child psychology) I would try to ignore the bad behaviour and walk away. When she realises she doesn't get a reaction she will get fed up and you may find it may nip it in the bud.

I bet she loves you and I doubt very much she hates you at all. She just knows that by saying those words she gets attention and a strong reaction from you. Good luck

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 06:58

I don't believe it's typical girl behaviour at all but yes some girls do behave like this. Some boys also.

What are your boundaries like? Do you discipline? How? Are you consistent?

Are you properly bonded with your DC? Do you make her feel treasured? Special? Do you see her in a positive light? Do you dwell on her good points?

Do you give good quality attention? Are you emotionally present? Or are you busy or not really mentally present?

Do you have fun?

Are you particularly sensitive? Is she pathetically sensitive?

Are you depressed?

I agree with waiting till she's older.

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 06:59

Or at least wait till you have a good handle on her behaviour before TTC

NiceFalafels · 18/12/2016 07:00

read well rated amazon books on parenting to help you reflect and move forward.

Batteriesallgone · 18/12/2016 07:06

Do you give her lots of focused attention?

Could you try a love bomb day.

Also how much are you getting outside? Hitting implies to me she's got lots of energy going spare. Preschoolers need to be frequently walked (like dogs!) and taken to the park.

GizmoFrisby · 18/12/2016 07:16

Also agree with pp. Don't try for any more children if you can't cope with the one you have. I have 7yo too and it's a lot harder with 2. And I imagine more harder with a 3yo and a newborn

clarr · 18/12/2016 07:22

Children typically behave worst for the people they feel safest with. You can safely interpret that you are her number one important person if it is you she is going for. I know that doesn't help though!

Young children long for their primary attachment person - in this case, you. If they can't have them when they want them, they can feel angry and rejected and behave as though they hate you. Is it possible that she had a bad run of behaviour, which may now be being maintained by her picking up on your emotions of wanting to leave?

Posters who suggest love bombing are spot on in my opinion. Time out at this age probably won't make much difference because a three year old doesn't have the capacity to fully control themselves or manage their emotions etc, at this age, that is still mostly down to you manag

clarr · 18/12/2016 07:25

Sorry hit post by mistake!!

at this age it is mostly down to you to manage them for her.

Can you work in some self soothing activities for you, so you feel a bit better? She will pick up on your improved mood if you can. Then focus on helping her to feel very secure and loved, lots of time with you even if it is tough, very calm reactions to her lashing out so she doesn't feel rejected etc. It is so tough but this will pass, honestly. Your health visitor may be a great support with this, if you have a good one.

thethoughtfox · 18/12/2016 07:27

Gizmo, please don't put a baby in time out. They cannot actually do things 'wrong' and they can't make any meaningful connection between what they did and this punishment. All it will do is make them less secure and trusting of you.

thethoughtfox · 18/12/2016 07:34

OP try saying firmly 'Stop x. I don't like it. It hurts Mummy and makes me sad. We use gentle hands (or whatever)' You can use their hand to do silly gentle strokes on your head or arm or theirs and be silly saying 'Mmm that feels so nice' and try to make them laugh. If they don't stop, physically stop them. 'I won't let you hurt me' A strong hug / restraining cuddle can help them to calm down but still feel close. Good luck. Most of them are like this.

ShizerMinelli · 18/12/2016 07:40

Gizmo - 10-15 minutes is so long for such a tiny baby!

thethoughtfox · 18/12/2016 07:46

at times. But usually when they need attention or feel disconnected from you.

GoofyTheHero · 18/12/2016 07:51

I don't agree that it is 'typical girl behaviour', I have 2 girls who have never done this.
However, it can be 'normal toddler behaviour'. Speaking to your HV might be a good starting point to getting some techniques to manage her behaviour.
I'm afraid I also think trying for another at this point is a bad idea. Can you imagine trying to deal with this with morning sickness? With SPD? With a non sleeping newborn?

GizmoFrisby · 18/12/2016 07:53

A tiny baby? Are u having a laugh? She's 18 months old. She is very very ahead of herself and hv advised this due to her mischievous behaviour. At her 1 year check up she told me she was going through terrible 2s early and if I didn't start to teach her right from wrong then I would have my hands full. She can talk and walk. It's not like I hit her. If she is naughty she goes to her cot. And it's actually working. Some of you mums are actually insane. There was a woman on here sleep training a 4mo and posters agreed with her yet putting a nearly 2yo in time out is wrong??

GizmoFrisby · 18/12/2016 07:55

May I add she isn't crying or distressed when I take her upstairs. I don't shout at her. She needs to learn biting,throwing things etc is not acceptable.

GoofyTheHero · 18/12/2016 08:00

(I have a just 3 year old and a 17 month old BTW, and 2 is much much harder than 1 in my experience)

user1477282676 · 18/12/2016 08:02

I also don't see 18 months as a tiny baby. Though 15 minutes might be a bit long...I certainly used to put my DD out of the room for a minute when she was being a terror.

But back to OP...three is an awkward age but without more info nobody can help.

mummytime · 18/12/2016 08:02

Star chart - with these rules:
You have to give her a star everytime you spot good behaviour
When you give a star you also verbally praise her
(and Key step) You have to give her 10 stars a day

The key is, you have to spot her being good - it doesn't matter how tiny eg. "That was good you didn't hit mummy but stamped your foot instead".

She is not out of control she is 3. If she is not like this with anyone else, then it's you not her - she is 3!
I would also suggest getting some counselling for yourself, seeing your GP or looking at what else is going on in your life.

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