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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Just about ready to walk out the door!

76 replies

Mamalexi343 · 17/12/2016 22:47

I'm having such trouble with my 3 year old dd I'm so close to losing it and walking out the door.

For the last month she has been so violent towards me, ignores me, cheeks me, winds me up, deliberately disobeys me, literally anything she can do she does

I know all children do this but I'm at my wits end! She doesn't behave like this with anyone else and I mean no one so everyone thinks I'm lying when I bring it up, it's so hard not to feel like she hates me (even tho she did say she loved daddy more than me)

I feel like my DH doesn't think I can cope and dropped the bombshell of he thinks we should wait a could of years to try for another baby, 3 days before I ovulate and we are due to start trying.

He says it doesn't seem right that I'm in tears every night because of DD and adding another baby into the mix is a bad idea.

I don't know what to do, I'm so fed up of my 3 year old literally beating me and being terrified to do anything around her because if I do anything she goes for me but I can't talk to anyone about it because they think I'm over exaggerating or I'm made to feel a bad mum

You guys are my last hope what do I do?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

GizmoFrisby · 18/12/2016 08:06

User

God u will get flamed too for that. Honestly a tiny baby is 6 months old.

If she was distressed I would go to her. She needs time out to understand she's not getting a reaction to bad behaviour.
In fact she's actually 19 months this week. A tiny baby can't walk/talk/eat/ tell you what they want or behave even badly can they.

NickyEds · 18/12/2016 08:07

It's quite hard to offer help without a bit more information op. What is her routine like? Does she still nap, sleep well, eat well etc? When she is violent what do you currently do? You say 'for the last month' she has been like this, was it sudden? If so what happened a month ago? Is she at nursery/cm/ grandparents? How is she with her dad?

I think your dh is right though. Imagine doing this whilst vomiting 3 times a day and having first trimester exhaustion.

ricecrispies16 · 18/12/2016 08:10

I have a strong willed 3 year old and a new baby. It is REALLY hard going from one to two and my 3 year old is relatively good.

GoofyTheHero · 18/12/2016 08:11

I wouldn't put my 3 year old in time out as I know she'd just get more angry. Definitely wouldn't put my 17 month old in time out. Rewarding positive behaviour works for us, but luckily we've never had biting/hitting/throwing etc.

GizmoFrisby · 18/12/2016 08:13

thethoughtfox

Of course they do things wrong!! Or are you a parent of perfectly behaved children? My dd hit my ds (7)recently with the sky remote really hard and bust his lip. Would you allow this give her a round of applause and a piece of cake? No way not in my house. She goes to her cot to realise that is not how to behave. She's never done it again. She gets praised for how well behaved she is and even claps her hands when she is praised so she obviously is learning right from wrong.

HeCantBeSerious · 18/12/2016 08:13

I find I have been far far too soft on her so yesterday I started doing time out. When she was naughty I put her in her cot for 10-15 minutes. She will soon get to realise that this behaviour isn't acceptable.

This is horrific to me. You actually want her to associate the place she's supposed to sleep and be calm with being punished? Wow.

GizmoFrisby · 18/12/2016 08:15

Goofy

You don't put her in time out as she would get more angry? So what do you do?? Let her get away with being angry and think that's the right way to behave incase of hurting her feelings getting told off?? My dd is nearly 19m not 17m

Believeitornot · 18/12/2016 08:17

She is 3. That is young.

You're being quite harsh on her and your expectations are far too high. Things like thinking she hates you etc.

Her brain is not fully developed yet - she has a long way to go - so the idea of her being able to control her emotions and impulses is laughable. She is learning and will push the buttons.

It takes a lot of energy to cope with a toddler. I was reminded of this when our niece came over (mine are 5&7) - she is 2 and boy, it's such a difference!!

I wonder if you're ok or whether you might need a bit of help. Being in tears makes me wonder if you've got a bit fragile and might need to talk to your health visitor. When I got regularly teary I knew it was a sign I was actually a bit depressed.

I read a couple of books which helped. One book is calm parents happy children - I use the audio book and it really really helps. It makes you think about how a toddler/young child behaves as they do and therefore what is more likely to work.

Things like rewards charts only scratch the surface but don't really help you understand your child's behaviour. I only used them for short term fixes e.g. Toilet training then quickly ditched them.

Try speaking to a health visitor, getting out and speaking to other mums and looking after yourself.

Do you exercise? That is excellent for mental health as well as physical!

GizmoFrisby · 18/12/2016 08:17

Hecant

Horrific?? Like a murder scene horrific?? Get a grip.

GoofyTheHero · 18/12/2016 08:18

No, I ignore her. She stops, I praise her for stopping. What usually happens is that after about a minute she says 'sorry mummy, im ok now'.
Like I say though, she's never hit, scratched, bitten or deliberately thrown anything. She occasionally snatches something from her 17 month old sister.
And yes, it is ok to get angry. I get angry so why shouldn't she? She just needs to learn to deal with her anger effectively.

Believeitornot · 18/12/2016 08:19

Let her get away with being angry

What's wrong with being angry? It's a perfectly normal emotion. Do you get angry?

It isn't the anger which is the issue - it is what you do in response. So, when my toddlers got angry, I would label their emotion (yes you're feeling angry) and tell them what is better to do (if you're angry, do this) and help them calm down with a cuddle.
Shoving them in a time out doesn't help them regulate their emotions.

GoofyTheHero · 18/12/2016 08:19

*deliberately thrown anything at someone, I mean

GoofyTheHero · 18/12/2016 08:20

Believeitornot put it better than me. No I don't punish her for being angry, it's a natural emotion.

GizmoFrisby · 18/12/2016 08:21

It's not an everyday occurrence in my house she misbehaves. Maybe once a week. I have no shame in putting her in time out when she hits and bites.

Obviously I'm in the minority.

Op you probably have followed the advice of the other mumsnetters and that's why you have a little horror on your hands at 3.

HeCantBeSerious · 18/12/2016 08:22

Horrific?? Like a murder scene horrific?? Get a grip

No. More as in her probably going NC with you as soon as she possibly can as an adult because you've destroyed the relationship with her. Potential issues with her mental wellbeing later in life. That sort of horrific.

HeCantBeSerious · 18/12/2016 08:25

Christ, Gizmo. You make Gina Ford sound like an advocate of attachment parenting!

GoofyTheHero · 18/12/2016 08:25

Op you probably have followed the advice of the other mumsnetters and that's why you have a little horror on your hands at 3

Well I've followed my own advice and don't have a little horror on my hands at 3. I have a normal 3 year old who occasionally misbehaves. Now of course I'm not saying that this is down to my perfect parenting, but you're implying that if you parent in the way I described then your child will be a horror. And she's not, at all. she knows when she's misbehaved and apologises.

AmberEars · 18/12/2016 08:27

Goofy I think that if your DC has never hit or thrown anything then you aren't in a good position to sympathise or advise on this particular thread!

Believeitornot · 18/12/2016 08:28

Gizmo you're the one with a child which hits and bites.

I can count the number of times, on one hand, that my dcs bit. As for hitting - it was rare and we sorted it quickly.

So, maybe have a look in the mirror eh

GoofyTheHero · 18/12/2016 08:29

Goofy I think that if your DC has never hit or thrown anything then you aren't in a good position to sympathise or advise on this particular thread!

Sorry.

GizmoFrisby · 18/12/2016 08:29

So if she bit you and carried on biting you would let her carry on and ignore her??? You wouldn't stop her you would just ignore what she was doing? What do u think they do at nursery? Let them hit and bite and let them get away with it??

GoofyTheHero · 18/12/2016 08:32

GizmoFrisby how can I answer that? I've not been in that situation. And she doesn't go to nursery.
Anyway bowing out now as I'm unqualified to advise on this thread. I offered some suggestions to the OP around talking to her HV for advice and the difficulties of having 2 children but that's as much as I can offer.

Believeitornot · 18/12/2016 08:33

My dd bit my ds once. She's never bitten anyone else. She got told off and I told her that it's ok to be angry but not ok to hurt other people.

She's not done it since.

It's important to regularly help your dcs with their emotions and teach them how to talk etc. You also have to listen to them.

Chucking them in time out etc doesn't really deal with the root cause. If you have to keep on doing it, then they're not learning to not do it.

GizmoFrisby · 18/12/2016 08:36

Believe

Not all the time yesterday yes and a few occasions yes. She does I'm not denying that.

She can be a horror and therefore I rang my hv and asked for advice. But for some of you your absolutely out of your minds to think your children don't do anything wrong and don't even tell them what's right and wrong. I've never smacked or shouted at my children and they are both very very cuddly and caring majority of the time but when they do things wrong which they ALL do, they go and have time out to realise that they are not being well behaved and it is wrong. I'm not here to have my parenting judged I was simply telling OP that I also have a horror at times and sought advice through my hv. As I wasn't sure how to teach dd right from wrong and don't want to shout or smack like some mothers do.

Darthvadersmuuuum · 18/12/2016 08:37

Op, I would advise you to read up on attachment theory if you haven't already. I would also advise you to find a positive parenting programme such as Incredible Years or Triple P. Your Sure Start centre or Local Authority should be able to point you in the right direction.

I'm really sorry you're struggling so much

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