Just about ready to walk out the door!

[Mamalexi343]

I'm having such trouble with my 3 year old dd I'm so close to losing it and walking out the door.

For the last month she has been so violent towards me, ignores me, cheeks me, winds me up, deliberately disobeys me, literally anything she can do she does

I know all children do this but I'm at my wits end! She doesn't behave like this with anyone else and I mean no one so everyone thinks I'm lying when I bring it up, it's so hard not to feel like she hates me (even tho she did say she loved daddy more than me)

I feel like my DH doesn't think I can cope and dropped the bombshell of he thinks we should wait a could of years to try for another baby, 3 days before I ovulate and we are due to start trying.

He says it doesn't seem right that I'm in tears every night because of DD and adding another baby into the mix is a bad idea.

I don't know what to do, I'm so fed up of my 3 year old literally beating me and being terrified to do anything around her because if I do anything she goes for me but I can't talk to anyone about it because they think I'm over exaggerating or I'm made to feel a bad mum

You guys are my last hope what do I do?!

I didn't say I did this regularly. It's when they are being really unacceptable, hitting/nipping and biting. If I say no to my daughter she just looks at me with puppy dog eyes and carries on. Therefore I needed advice off my hv to know what else I could do. People judging causing arguments for the sake of it obviously have nothing better to do.

But for some of you your absolutely out of your minds to think your children don't do anything wrong

Please do quote where people have said their children don't do anything wrong?

Mine do and did as toddlers but I invested a lot of energy in how I managed it which, I think, had a lot of impact in how they behaved. And improved their behaviour. I don't automatically assume that my child sets out to be horrible as treat them as such.

People judging causing arguments for the sake of it obviously have nothing better to do.

I wasn't judging. I said that's not how I do it. Because we're all different, yes? My way works for me and my children, yours appears to work for you and your children. So we're all happy.

Thank you all for your advice

I'm a stay at home mum with her and we constantly play and have fun and interact but it makes no difference, she eats healthily and sleeps 12 hours on the dot every night. She does go to nursery and these days are always the worst, it seems like they get the best of her and she comes home and within 5 minutes the house is trashed and I'm covered in bruises.

She's an absolute princess with her dad never missbehaves and I know she's only three, I know she's allowed bad days but when I end up in tears every night and day something is not right! I don't treat her like an adult but I've never seen a 3 year old behave like this.

I've tried naughty step, room time, explaining, reward chart, letting her dad deal with her, being firm, ignoring it, everything that's been suggested I've tried it.

It's always been a struggle with her this is just the worse its been, she used to deliberately go to claw my face but I found if I just put her on the floor and walk away that would deal with it and it soon fizzled out but that has not happened this time.

With regards to the HV well they are a joke where I live, pretty much as soon as they turn 2 they write you off and dissappear into the sunset never to be seen again.

She's incredibly smart (not me being a mum the nursery has actually talked to me about it) and you can tell she knows what she is doing, she knows she is winding me up, she knows she is hurting me, she knows she's being naughty. Plus she's incredibly strong and tall, like over half my height and I'm 5 ft 5 So restraining her when she's punching me isn't an option.

I love her with all my heart but I'm starting to not want to be around her, especially as she's just broke up from nursery for Christmas so 3 whole weeks at home together, it's constantly raining here and theres nothing to do here so I can't even take her out regularly to get some of the energy out.

She's due to start ballet lessons after the new year in the hope it might teach her some discipline and get the energy out but that's a very long time away and I fear I make have a breakdown before then!

When did she start nursery?

Very common for young children who have to behave in a setting away from home to act out when they get home.

It's great that you're playing / interacting with her all the time, but it's probably time to start giving her increasing periods of time to entertain herself. Start with 5 mins if it's not something she's used to and build up from there. If nothing else it will get you to a place where you could imagine being able to care for another child. As things stand, I think your DH is right.

I use the naughty corner and time out as well as strong reward for good behaviour and reward charts. Sometimes now she takes herself to bed to calm down.. I use super nanny books and advice. Notbe everyone parents the same.

Use a reward chart not to get her to behave better but to make sure you spot her being good.
She behaves badly with you because you are safe and there for her.
After nursery she is exhausted from holding her emotions etc in. Try to make sure she is fed, watered and can relax afterwards. Naps, time playing alone or even TV can help her recharge.
Use some of her nursery time to do stuff for you.
Behaviour is a form of communication, what is your DD trying to tell you. (BTW it is not I hate you).

So she able to behave for her father and other people.

Is there anything they do differently?

Most small children behave better at school/nursery than at home. They get tired and when they get home relax and don't know how to manage their tiredness. I'm surprised you say you can't pick her up (being shorter and with older DC I manage)

I don't think adding another baby to the mix at the moment would be a good idea.

You need to choose a method and stick with it until it does work. That can't be DH dealing with. He won't always be there.
Have you tried a parenting class for some more ideas.
I know it feels like it but she isn't deliberately trying to hurt you or winding you up.

By the way rain isn't a good reason to stay in all the time. Let her run off some energy by jumping in puddles.

Take her swimming or to soft play etc or to see Christmas lights in town or out for hot chocolate. Spending all day at home isn't likely to be good for either of you.

DD 3 has picked up some behaviour from nursery that we're working on phasing out. I have two with less than a year between them and an older DS 9 with ASD. It's hard to step back sometimes when you're in the thick of it, but she's only 3, it's very much a time when they're exploring boundaries, pushing you to your limits and being stroppy and hard to handle. Because she's 3, she doesn't have the ability to think spitefully or manipulatively (much as it can feel like it at times), kids that age act impulsively. It's our job as parents to guide them past that stage and show them the right way to behave.
I'm really not up for sticking a wee one in a cot for however long, because I think their bed should be a place of safety/comfort/sleep rather than a punishment.

Nursery will make her tired so she will misbehave. Mine were demons after nursery and needed a snack as soon as I picked them up.
When you collect her from nursery, give her a snack and a big cuddle.

Her being clever doesn't stop her being 3. She isn't emotionally developed yet.

She will pick up on your dislike of her and will act accordingly.

How much cuddling does she get?

If she hits, you can turn her so she faces away from you and tell her no hitting/scratching and hold her. Remind her she's angry and she can tell you she's angry. Just say very little until she calms.

As they get older you have to tweak your approach and consistently keep trying it. Doing it once won't have the effect.

I wonder if she wants more physical attention from you. Cuddles, kisses, play fighting etc etc.

Another issue is I'm disabled, I struggle to pick her up because I just can't and whilst I can go out i can't go out in the rain as I always get sick and it goes straight to much chest, I've had 10 chest infections this year alone, I was hesitant to bring up that I'm disabled as in the past people have automatically told me I can't cope and I shouldn't have had childen so it's a very sore subject with me.

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She does go to nursery and these days are always the worst, it seems like they get the best of her and she comes home and within 5 minutes the house is trashed and I'm covered in bruises.

This says a lot to me my 3 and a half year old DS can be a real handful on Friday nights and Saturday mornings because he's tired. It takes so much of his energy, amd concentration to behave at nursery that he acts out at home out of tiredness and emotion. The key is for massive calm at those trigger times. We read stories and have gentle play times. Taking him out for a fun and energetic Saturday morning can set us up for an awful weekend sometimes.

In terms of managing behaviour we will confiscate toys for bad behaviour but if he's getting very worked up we have to be careful not to escalate a situation of mild bad behaviour into a full on rage fest. We have to reassure as we discipline, remind him he can get it back for good behaviour and cuddle if the tears start to come. We acknowledge his emotions without allowing the behaviour. It's a tricky balance to find.

If the rage fest does start we remove him to his bedroom but don't close the door and stay nearby so he's not alone and when he calms we can offer a cuddle. We'll chat about the bad behaviour when the rage is over.

And she gets cuddles and kisses galore, she's always told she's loved.

Just to say and sorry if it's already been mentioned- pick a behaviour management strategy and stick to it for a while-don't keep changing or she won't understand what you are doing. Remember it may take a few weeks of you and dh being consistent before you know if it is working or not. Good luck X

It is very common and perfectly normal for DCs to be well behaved at nursery/school and let it all out at home. Do not take this personally, it doesn't mean she is badly behaved 'only' with you or that she doesn't like you.

From what you say she may have some extra energy to expend on some days, is soft play an option?

It is also possible that she is aware that you have been unwell this autumn and this is making her anxious but she can't express it. Try spending 20 minutes every day just with her doing what she wants - I appreciate that as SAHP you spend a lot of time with her, but the crucial bit in this is that she takes the lead in what you do and you follow.

If she is physically aggressive towards you, won't stop and can't be restrained can you walk away? Leave her behind a baby gate or walk out the room as long as the room you leave her in is safe (if needs be set up a camera so you can check up on her), then walk back in 3 minutes later to see if she has calmed down.

Place marking to see later.

Aha parenting. There is a website and a book by Dr Laura Markham. She makes a lot of sense.
Timeout teaches your child that their feelings are not valid and should be ignored. All 'bad' behaviour from children is them trying to tell you they need something from you emotionally.

For me 3 was a really hard turning point. I had always been very nurturing and supportive with DS having believed (some) parenting websites which promise that as long as you're always lovely and supportive and respectful and nice to them that they will magically be co-operative, loving, and sweet back towards you.

It's not true - because as much as they don't necessarily mean to be horrible to you, they are not in control of their emotions/impulses, they are not able to anticipate things, they don't understand a lot of the world, they are not able to understand that they are not the most important person in it and this is when that starts to come out. It's the beginning of a shift - there are really three stages of responsibility with kids. When they're babies and toddlers, you have to recognise the dangerous or unwanted behaviours and you take responsibility yourself for preventing them or encouraging the wanted behaviour instead. In the middle stage, you set the limits but the child is now given the responsibility of keeping themselves inside the limits. When they are teenagers and young adults, they need to learn to set their own limits, which starts with letting them begin to negotiate the limits you set. You are in a transition phase at the moment between stage one and stage two where you still want to prevent as many unwanted behaviours as possible while encouraging as many wanted behaviours as possible, but it's the beginning of the time where there are things you can't directly control and that means handing the responsibility to the child themselves. You set the limit and it's their responsibility to keep to it. Slowly at first because it's not an easy process for them to adapt to, but it is necessary and it does work.

The other posters are right that you need to pick one specific behaviour management strategy and use that, consistently, for a period of several months and recognise that behaviour will often get worse before it gets better. You will get lots of advice and it's confusing and counterproductive to try to implement it all at once. My recommendation would be to follow Andrea Nair on facebook as I think she is really great for 3-4 year old stuff. I also found that a screen ban or toy confiscation made for a direct conflict-free consequence, which I found easier than any form of time out, as my toddler was also very strong!

Good luck. I'm sure you can manage this. Speak to DH too - you don't have to deal with things in exactly the same way but it really helps to consolidate your approaches.

I'd second Laura Markham/ahaparenting/calm parents happy kids. Crucially the first section of her book is all about looking after yourself so that you can respond calmly, which is impossible if you're frazzled and stressed.

I agree with what others are saying that the fact she saves her worst behaviour for you does NOT mean she hates you - it means she feels secure enough to let those emotions out with you. It's hard to deal with but it's not a sign you have a bad relationship, you just need to work on her managing her emotions in an appropriate way.

I have read some good stuff (I think it was on ahaparenting) about redirecting negative emotions like hitting and letting it out more appropriate ways - like having an exaggerated stomp around, scribbling hard on paper then screwing it up - that kind of thing. And also as others have said naming and acknowledging emotions.

I'm not one for time puts myself but I've not had really persistent behaviour issues to deal with. Other people swear by them - but yes I think it is about finding a discipline (nb - not the same as punishment) technique and sticking with it. Consistency is so important.

This page on FB also full of great advice about parenting (and relationships).

If your disability is really limiting going out with her, then are you claiming all the benefits you can? Could you employ someone's Au Pair or a teen to take her out for physical play on days she doesn't have nursery (assuming Nursery does lots of running around not just quiet work). A friend who was very ill when her DC were small did this and was/is still a great mum.