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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My baby hates me

20 replies

BearGrower · 21/11/2016 17:52

My baby is 10 months old and my boyfriend and I share the care of him (we live together and both work part time over the whole week.) Over the last few weeks it's become pretty clear that my baby prefers his Dad, but in the last week it's stepped up a notch and he refuses to have anything to do with me if his dad is there too. He cries if I hold him, reaches out for his dad, cries if I make eye contact and now has started arching his back and throwing himself back if I try and pick him up. This is beyond hurtful to me and I'm struggling to get past it, I feel like the worst mother ever. Has anyone else ever had this and got past it? I don't know what to do.

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wonderstuff · 21/11/2016 17:59

I think it's pretty normal for babies to go through phases like this, he doesn't hate you, he's working out how to assert control. Try not to take it personally.

Original poster

BearGrower · 21/11/2016 18:55

It's so hard not to take it personally though - I know I should be but he's so dramatically against me when my boyfriend is there it's hard to even be in the same room. I've cried all evening....

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Original poster

BearGrower · 21/11/2016 21:05

Anyone else been through this?

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Playitagainsam · 21/11/2016 21:42

Yeah, I'be been through this with my DS who is 18 months, and I feel your pain. It has improved a bit recently but it's taken a long time. And I remember my DD being the same with my husband when she was a baby, she had a huge preference for me....until she dropped me like a hot potato for my MIL. So it is definitely a phase, but a heartbreaking one when you're on the receiving end of it. My best advice is not to withdraw and stop trying. I put my DS to bed every night and he was fine with that, it gave us a bit of one on one time. I also spent as much time on my own with him as I could - I found that if my husband wasn't around, DS was much better with me and we could get some quality time in.
It's been a year now (you probably don't want to know that bit!) and it is getting better. My DD's phases for preferences were much shorter, but no less painful!! As a 4 year old she doesn't have any preferences now, so they do grow out of it.
Tough it out, keep smiling and he'll get there. I did occasionally 'enjoy' being least favourite when I was able to sit and enjoy my drink in peace, while poor hubby was being grabbed at constantly!

Original poster

BearGrower · 22/11/2016 07:49

Thank you Playitagainsam, it's so reassuring to hear other people have been threw it. My boyfriend and I don't know the best way to play it when he's rejecting me so fiercely (god help us for the toddler years when he's doing this already so young!) do you perservere in trying to give him a cuddle even when he's pushing you away?

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Strawclutching · 22/11/2016 07:56

My dd1 did the same as a baby. Only settled for dh, loved cuddles with him etc. as a toddler totally rejected him- screamed if he came near her/tried to give her a snack etc. Now she flits between us but likes my mum the best.

Original poster

BearGrower · 22/11/2016 07:59

I'm finding it so hard to get past, I think about it all day when I'm at work. It's so helpful to know others have had it too. I feel like a failure!

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toptoe · 22/11/2016 08:00

I would not push for a cuddle if he doesn't want it. You can entice him with play later on. I should think he's entering into the toddler stage where they start to try and separate from mum a bit and say 'no' in their own way.

Original poster

BearGrower · 22/11/2016 08:09

Ok thanks toptoe, I won't force the cuddle and just continue to play on the floor and hope he comes round to me soon.

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bluebell9 · 22/11/2016 08:40

My niece did a similar thing when she was smaller. Her mum and dad both work but share childcare. Whichever of them was at work, thats the person she wanted. My sister was feeling really bad as my niece just cried for her daddy when she had her but she did the same to her dad although my sister wasn't aware of that at first. She also did it to me, but for both/either of her parents when I looked after her. She grew out of it eventually but I can't imagine how tough it feels to be going through what you are right now.

Original poster

BearGrower · 22/11/2016 08:52

Thanks Bluebell, I think the thing I'm struggling with is even when I'm at work all day and get home he still doesn't want anything to do with me - in fact if I try and give him a cuddle when I get home he throws himself on the floor but when his dad gets home from work I become invisible immediately even if we've been having a great day.

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Millionprammiles · 22/11/2016 11:19

It's normal and preferences will vary as time goes on. Try to get a little one on one time sometimes but it really is no indicator of anything.

Try not to get upset about it. Save that for when your child is 4 and can say "I like daddy/grandma/nanny/teacher/passer-by better than you" when you've dared to suggest its bedtime.

Totallyblurred · 22/11/2016 11:32

My DS is 9 months, he does this sometimes too. He stayed at MIL Saturday night and we picked him up Sunday morning, I walked in and picked him up from this high chair, he spotted DP and almost threw himself over my shoulder to get to his dad
I wouldn't take it personally, sometimes DP is the only one to get him to sleep at bed time, especially if I'm tired, rundown etc.
I'm a SAHM he doesn't cry/winge all day, the second DP walks in through the door all hell breaks loose, DS only has to make the slightest wimper and DP picks him up straight away and DS laughs. He knows which one to play

Totallyblurred · 22/11/2016 11:35

Oh and my 6 year old DD and 4 year old DS ask grandparents to go stay when they pop in

CoodleMoodle · 22/11/2016 11:40

As PP have said, all normal! We've had stages where DD(2.8) won't let DH do anything for her, and then a few days later she talks about Daddy all day and doesn't want anything to do with me ("I love you!" "And I love...... Daddy!"). When she was tiny it was me all the time, now she normally prefers him.

Atm she's very Daddy oriented as he's off work for a fortnight. I expect when he goes back on Monday he'll be public enemy number 1! It's normal and all, but it does hurt sometimes

Original poster

BearGrower · 22/11/2016 11:57

Thank you all so much, honestly your comments have helped loads. I'll try not to get upset!

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Playitagainsam · 22/11/2016 20:16

Yeah I wouldn't push a cuddle, it'll only upset you more, and it'all cheese him off. I found lots of silly play - tickling and messing around helped. Repeat - I. Am. Not. A. Failure!!! Do not even think it. I promise you it will get better but don't feel bad for feeling upset about it in the meantime- you are only human!

hickorydickorycock · 22/11/2016 20:20

Mine went through it! Several months later changed and was the other way round. Don't stress, just chill as baby will pick up stress and resist more. Poor you, I know its hard but its just a phase.

JavaFee · 23/11/2016 13:10

As previous posters said, it seems to happen quite often. My DD1 had a phase like that when she was about 2.5. She would cry and demand Daddy when she saw me coming to pick her up from the nursery. My DP could never really do it as he was working full time. I remember changing her one day while crying my eyes out, it was so hard on me.

MOGMOGMOG85 · 11/09/2021 01:39

@BearGrower - how did things pan out for your son? Was it just a phase? How long did it last? How did you deal with it? Did he go through a mummy phase too? I guess he must be around six now! Xx

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