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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Need help dealing with a specific problem with Ds

18 replies

nutcracker · 09/02/2007 13:20

He is 4 and a bit out of control at the moment, probably due to my split with xp and everything else that goes with that.

Tha main problem is how he speaks to me. He constantly calls me stupid, idiot or tells me to shut up. He'll get all 3 in a sentance if he can.

It is really really getting me down. He will do it in public and very very loudly.

I am so at a loss at what to do with him. I tell him it is wrong, not nice etc and that it upsets me but he laughs at that.

I have tried confiscating toys, sending him to his room and ignoring him, but nothing is working.

Please can someone tell me what to do with him ? I need something that I put into place the minute he says it.

OP posts:

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Twinkie1 · 09/02/2007 13:22

Just say to him that he really really upsets yu when he says things like that but even so you still love him immensly and will be there for him forever - he will soon get bored of not getting a response and make sure you say it as loud as he does so everyone hears you - that will hit a nerve.

PrettyCandles · 09/02/2007 13:32

OTOH he's going through distressing stuff ATM, as are you, and needs some slack. He's probably afraid that you might go as well and needs both to express his anger and to ensure you respond to him. Perhaps you could try not reacting at all - not ignoring him, just not being bothered by what he says.

He needs to know that, whatever he says or does, he is yours and he is incredibly important to you. That you are not angry with him, that the horrible things that are going on ATM are not his fault, and that he doesn't need to be punished or held to account for them. And before you dsicount this as psychobabble, I remember feeling terribly worried for years because I thought my mum had tried to kill herself abd it was my fault, that I had done something wrong. It was only when I overheard her telling her friends about it that I learned that the incident was a result of her being delirious with a very high fever, and absolutely nothing to do with me at all. Kids do think that the world revolves around them, therefore they may also think that they are to blame for bad things that happen.

Original poster

nutcracker · 09/02/2007 13:32

I don't think it would hit a nerve though Twinkie, he honestly doesn't seen to care.

I can't seem to get through to him that is isn't a nice thing to say and thet I don't want him to say it.

OP posts:

Dior · 09/02/2007 13:34

Message withdrawn

Kaz33 · 09/02/2007 13:38

Take the total other tack, ignore the bad behaviour as long as it is not violent or dangerous and when he does anything good praise him to high heaven.

Get a sticker chart and give him a sticker everytime he does a set thing - can be like saying "thankyou" or "please" or tidying up he will get a sticker. If you like when he has got to a set amount he can have a small treat, doesn't have to be financial - a trip to the park, a favourite tv programme.

I find positive re-inforcement is much more successful with my boys (5,3) - you get out of the habit of shouting, they get out of the habit of mis-behaving.

He is still your boy, he is not bad he's just stretching the limits.

Good luck.

Original poster

nutcracker · 09/02/2007 15:53

Ok, i will try the sticker chart and see how that goes.

I do praise him when he is good, but tbh he never seems to be listening lol.

OP posts:

Miaou · 09/02/2007 15:59

Do you feel it is a bit of a "power struggle" nutty? Do the dds do similar and does he copy them?

Original poster

nutcracker · 09/02/2007 20:41

The dd's don't do it no, well not to me anyway, occasionally to each other.

Anyhow, I am pleased to report that I sat him down with some stickers and explained that Stupid, Idiot and Shut up, are not nice things to say and that mummy gets really sad and upset when he says them.
I then told him that if he can stop saying them and go all day without saying them that he will get a sticker and when he has lots (didn't say how many but am thinking a weeks worth) then he gets a prize.

He agreed, although I am not entirly sure how much he understood as he got straight up and asked me for a sticker LOL.

Just put him to bed and asked him if he remembers what he has to do tommorow and he said 'yep, not say nasty words and then I get a sticker', so we'll see.

OP posts:

Original poster

nutcracker · 09/02/2007 20:43

It's definatly a power struggle between him and me though yes.

OP posts:

Miaou · 09/02/2007 20:48

Sounds like a good plan nutty - hope it goes well

THe power struggle thing - kids often jostle for their position in the family and particularly at four he is just becoming aware of the different relationships within the family unit. It is human nature to try and struggle to the top, but as long as you are assertive he will soon get the message that you are the boss. The sticker system will help to reinforce that (you are in control of the prize, he has to be in control of his language!).

You could also try to address the root cause of the shouting - I guess it is when things don't go the way he wants them to? So if he asks for sweets and you say no, if he takes it well then shower him with praise and give him a sticker for responding "correctly". Ideal behaviour is not just an absence of bad behaviour, it's an alternative, good behaviour. He has got himself into a bit of a corner and needs to re-learn how to respond appropriately.

HTH - I do go on I know ...

Original poster

nutcracker · 10/02/2007 17:35

No sticker today.

He was fine until we got to ballet, infact a couple fo times he even went to say one of the words and stopped himself, but at ballet he had a tantrum and told me to 'shut up, stupid idiot' . So thats it, no sticker today.

OP posts:

WideWebWitch · 10/02/2007 17:37

Just ignore it.
He's getting a reaction, that's what he wants
Tell him you've realised it doesn't actually bother you and then make sure you DON'T react
He will stop, betcha

Original poster

nutcracker · 10/02/2007 19:37

It's hard to ignore when he does it in front of a room full of strangers though, although I do try.

Have just had another chat with him, explained again how it upset me etc etc. I said we will try the sticker thing again, and have told him that if he wants to tell someone to shut up then he can say Be Quiet instead.

He said can I give you a sticker if you don't shout . I said yes and asked him what I get if I get lots of stickers and he said a bracelet bless him.

So we'll try again tommorow.

He can be such a lovely little boy, and I just want that little boy back.

OP posts:

issyissyissy · 10/02/2007 22:55

I agree with prettycandles. Sounds like he is reacting to xp leaving,trying to see if yu will go to. perhaps he feels it is somehow his fault. Best to try to ignore it and carry on with the sticker chart. Hopefully once he realises that his remarks havent made you leave he will calm down and stop.

PrettyCandles · 11/02/2007 17:22

regarding the stickers, it's very hard for a young child to wait all day for a reward, and they may think it's not worth the effoirt if 'being good' all morning is wiped out by one slip-up in the afternoon. Perhaps you could break it down a bit, with a sticker on the chart for am, say, another for pm, and a special sticker on his PJs at bedtime if he's got two stickers on the chart that day. Or even into smaller timescales. Encouragement breeds greater efforts.

Original poster

nutcracker · 12/02/2007 19:07

He does think it is his fault, he said daddy left because I (he) was naughty , nearly broke my heart when he said that I can tell you.

I obviously told him that this wasn't the reason and explained about why daddy left etc.

Anyhow the good news is that yesterday and today he got his stickers. He was so pleased with himself and he is the naughty word police now it seems, as my mum was telling em about some incident at work and said it was so stupid, and he told her off

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PrettyCandles · 14/02/2007 14:18

Poor darling. How awful you must feel. Good news on the behaviour - hopefully he will begin to feel proud of himself and happier, too.

FluffyMummy123 · 14/02/2007 14:19

Message withdrawn

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