2 year old violent behaviour getting worse!

[Ariel21]

Hi there

I have a 2 year old son who is bright, funny, happy, lively and in most respects adorable.

However, he has for some time exibited somewhat violent behaviour, which has increased since the arrival of his sibling about 3 months ago.

Some behavioural changes are to be expected - but after a gradual improvement we have had a hellish day, we had a friend and her daughter round and he's been pushing, kicking, hitting, throwing toys. It came to a head when dad came home (he's the favourite target for violence) and I lost my shit and shouted, which we never do.

I feel awful but really at the end of my tether. I know it's probably for attention, and we have tried ignoring the behaviour as well as various other methods.

I was wondering if anyone might know why he feels like he needs to hurt people (and cats) and what we can do to help him?

I feel that disciplining him merely brings attention to the behaviour and can make it worse, although we have been trialling "naughty step", having "quiet time" in his room, and a reward chart, with mixed results.

He gets plenty of exercise, eats well and plenty of sleep, although if he doesn't get an afternoon nap and is tired, behaviour is worse.

Thanks in advance!

Don't feel bad for shouting at him. We've all been there!

My DS2 went through a hitting phase when he was 2 and I found it very stressful. The only thing that seemed to work was, after ONE warning, take him straight home from whenever we were.

I guess that won't work if he does it at home (my DS2 tended to do it outside the home) - but can you think of anything similar? You could have asked your friend to leave - embarrassing I know, but would that have got through to him do you think? Or if it's when DH gets home, then no story / bath / play with Daddy.

Personally I don't have much patience with sticker charts etc. For hitting, I think it needs to be immediate and something that he really won't like!

Yes I have taken him home from places in the past. At home as you say it's a bit harder - I took him up to his room in hope that he would be disappointed so as not to be able to play with his friend, but he was quite happy playing on his own!

To be honest I'm surprised my friend didn't leave! She empathises as has been through it all and understands that bad days happen!!

Hoping for a better day tomorrow. Yes stories were withheld tonight - but that's counterproductive as he's less likely to settle!

It seems to be less in public as it's generally myself or husband that gets the brunt of it. There is a certain amount of aggression aimed at his baby brother (obviously I always make sure I'm between the two of them!) but he also adores him and lavishes him with kisses and cuddles.

My relationship with my daughter changed when I had my son. Her behaviour was awful for months. It was as if she did everything she could think of that she knew she wasn't allowed to do, or that would irritate me. Some days I felt like I was telling her off or nagging all day. I still feel that we don't have that special bond we used to have before he was born.

Everyone said it was because she was jealous and did it for attention. Even though I knew it was because of the birth of another child, it didn't help to keep hearing it. It was as if people thought - it should be easier for you now that you know it's because of x - as if knowing 'why' is an answer to the problem. But dealing with the behaviour day after day isn't easy, no matter what the reason for it is.

The only thing I can say is that it gradually gets better. We are almost back to where we were (my son is nearly one), but she will never be 100% the same. I guess it's just the way it goes for the first child. They used to have you all to themselves and now their life is changed forever. They have to wait for your time and attention, when they used to get it near-enough imediately. They have to learn and adjust. The positive is that it teaches them to share and think about others' needs as well as their own, which is preparing them for the realities of relationships in life.

I would suggest that you decide on one form of discipline that you impose for violent behaviour and stick to it, absolutely consistently, for a couple of months. Trying different things is tempting but never seems to work. Ignore as much other bad behaviour as you can while you fix this. Lots of attention for when he's being good. Lots of raving about how much the baby loves his big brother. It will get better.