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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

My 4 year old ds has just bitten me, slapped me, kicked me and spat in my face.

20 replies

northerner · 03/02/2007 15:47

This is the 3rd time he has displayed this behaviour in 2 weeks. All because I said he was not having a new DVD from ASDA.

He is having problems settling at school. He has developed a tic (constantly throat clearing) and now this

I do not know what to do, I do not recognise this child.

What can I do? Help us please.

OP posts:

TheEmeraldCityTourGuide · 03/02/2007 15:49

northerner .
what do you normally do to punish this sort of behaviour?

Original poster

northerner · 03/02/2007 15:50

This sort of behaviour is not normal. Thst's the problem.

He's in his room right now screaming he hates me.

OP posts:

TheEmeraldCityTourGuide · 03/02/2007 15:52

could you go in and give him a cuddle to calm him down. as you say, this isn't like him, so would he be able to talk about what's upsetting him?
you obviously have to deal with the aggressive behaviour, but he might be feeling scared by his own actions?

satine · 03/02/2007 15:54

My 4 yr old ds has also very recently started to react in a similar way when he doesn't get his own way. He always used to be quite easy going but in the last fortnight or so, if I tell him to do something he doesn't want to do, he loses it instantly and gets furious. The other day he was just so angry he ran up and pinched me as hard as he could, just to try to make a point.
I don't know how best to deal with it, either. After a while, it turns into real tears of sadness, and he just says "sorry, mummy, sorry" and he knows it's not acceptable behaviour, so I just give him a really big cuddle but it's as though he just doesn't know what to do with the feelings of anger and frustration.
I guess it's just a stage, but a hard one to ignore.

Legacy · 03/02/2007 15:55

NOrtherner - you have my sympathies. Our DS2 is 4 and just started school full time in January, and we are having some ABOMINABLE behaviour - lots of screaming, lots of "I hate you", lots of "I won't/ don't want to/ am not going to"

I have no idea how/ why it is the case, but I am sure there is a causal link.

We're juts trying to 'ride the storm' , try to be as patient as possible, and stick to our usual discipline. Have also started just putting him to bed if he is just too much!

Sorry - not much help, but you're not alone!

rydercup · 03/02/2007 17:55

Hi there. My DS1 was 4 in January and has just started school 2.5 days a week. His behaviour is changing....but more emotional!! Overall I think its just excessive tiredness coupled with concentrating more in the school setting and then coming home and letting rip!!! Interestingly, my little boy has also developed a tic........he blinks constantly. I took him to the opticians - his eyes are fine. I have heard that these 'transient tics' are quite common under the age of 6 and best ignored...they should disappear eventually. I think Legacys' advice is great and pretty much what we are doing. I just wanted to let you know that I am in the same boat too........

hercules1 · 03/02/2007 17:57

Is there no chance you could home ed him for a while?

NadineBaggott · 03/02/2007 18:03

I'd agree with Legacy. I'd say it's a normal 'pushing the boundaries' kind of thing.

Just keep to your usual reaction of bad behaviour and monitor.

Dottydot · 03/02/2007 18:30

Northerner - do you think he might be over tired? Ds1 is definitely a lot more tired at the weekends since starting school in September. He now 'chills out' in the afternoon at weekends - watches a film while ds2 has a nap - often lying on the settee but not sleeping. He needs quiet time - and I think it's probably worse when it's winter - cold and dark.

Have you had a chat with someone at school about how he's settling in? Ds1 was very worried about having to "do work" - he's behind a lot of his classmates in terms of knowing his letters and writing, but we're trying to be very laid back at home and not pushing him. Easier said than done!

singersgirl · 03/02/2007 18:42

Northerner, I'm sorry you're having a tough time with your little boy. DS2, who was 5 last August, is finding the transition to Y1 a bit stressful, and he has started screaming and bursting into tears whenever I say anything he doesn't want to hear. He is also kicking and punching.

I'm trying to be firm about the bad behaviour, but also (at other times)giving him lots of cuddles and telling him how wonderful he is. I'm also trying to stick to really early bedtimes.

I know that's not much help, but I just wanted to say that you're most definitely not alone.

WideWebWitch · 03/02/2007 18:45

How annoying, typed a long post and the site went down as I hit post. But I had copied so here you go!

Northerner, totally normal ime, although VERY wearing!

OK:

He is pushing the boundaries, I agree. He WANTS you to be firm and keep to your rules
Whatever happens you have to stay calm and in charge. The rules are the rules, no matter what and violence is unacceptable. Punishment should be, imo, swift, immediate, calm and consistent.

Things we did that helped:

Had typed house rules, very simple ones, (inc violence is unacceptable) on the wall. They applied to ALL of us, including me.
We made a star chart with 3 possible stars a day, one for morning, one for afternoon, one for bedtime. We had a printed picture of what the treat was for getting x no of stars (a beyblade was the first one iirc)
Some people don't agree with this so use it if you're desperate and it works and ignore it if it doesn't: we had a bad behaviour book and after a warning if ds behaved badly it would be written down. After 3 things had been written down something would be taken away. We always always always followed through. There was always a warning before we wrote anything down too and it was all done very calmly. The book helped me because it meant a) I had to stay calm to find the book, get a pen etc b) I recorded it and realised he wasn't badly behaved as much as I had thought, it just seemed that way because it was SO awful!
put him in his room/stairs/hall and make sure you've got a way of getting him to stay there (we used to have to hold the door)

Other things:
Wear him out enough every day, plenty of exercise
Make sure he's getting good food, not too much sugar/enumbers
Distract if you see it coming, will often still work at 4yo
Severely limit access to Playstation/Gameboy anything like it, make sure it's only for a certain amount of time and certain days

Starting school really seems to knacker them I think and I think some bad behaviour's fairly normal at first, it was for my ds and lots of his peers anyway.

HTH, good luck.

WideWebWitch · 03/02/2007 18:46

Oh and agree with lots of quiet down time, lolling about and being calm. And cuddles and always letting him know you love him, of course.

satine · 03/02/2007 18:48

Thanks, WWW - I'll bear your advice in mind. Some really good ideas.

It's good to know that it's not just my ds. But interestingly, he hasn't started school yet (not 5 until end of Sep) so that's not the reason - although ironically my mum said she thought it might be because he needs the challenge of school!

Hope you have a couple of good days, Northener, to even things out a bit.

oxocube · 03/02/2007 19:21

Northerner, I am going through this too with ds aged 5. Its really hard at the moment, with the meltdowns, the 'I hate you' and point blank refusals to do things, like stop hitting his sister. Everyone has had enough. My dh is away a lot just now (has been abroad for last 5 weeks, home for 2 wks then off again), a situation which is in all likelyhood going to continue for the next year and which worsens an already difficult situation.

No answers really, although WWW has sound advice. You're not on your own is what I think I am trying to say

Original poster

northerner · 03/02/2007 22:43

Thanks guys. Esp www, some great ideas there. It is good to know I am not alone.

It is so wearing, and so difficult to keep calm. But I am trying. I do remember my nephew going through a similar thing at the same age.

Hercules, I can not home ed him - I work 4 days aweek, plus I would have no idea where to start.

OP posts:

hatwoman · 04/02/2007 00:30

dd2 is 4 and she has huge rages - including hitting - I'm not sure if it's the same as with you as I know full well she's totally in control - it's all for show. Althouhg it's really hard the best way to handle it, I have found, is to keep my calm and - - as far as I can - ignore it. make like you really don;t care. seperate yourselves from eahc other and ride it out. withdraw priveleges - but keep calm about it and try not to over punish. for us, that seems to be the best way to get her over it, and seems to be reducing the frequency. (hat crosses her fingers and touches wood...)

tinpot · 04/02/2007 03:19

OK, this is so good to hear (obviously not for you Northerner) but my 4yo ds has been displaying a lot of the behaviour described by OP and others. Especially the verbal stuff e.g. I don't like you (perhaps he doesn't know the word hate yet?)! I have been analysing the situation from every angle. I'm a bad mother, I've done this wrong, that wrong etc. My 4yo is not at 'proper' school yet. He gets good sleep, I try to limit TV and computer games and don't feed him a diet of pure sugar.
I try to be consistent with punishments and try to stay calm when he's off on one. However, I am only human and sometimes I do get really mad and shout back - I know it doesn't help!
I've found taking away toys / tv to be totally useless. He misses them for 5 minutes and then doesn't mention it again. It's a good 'threat' to use but even when it's carried through it's not very effective.
When he has lost control we have to put him in his room and, thankfully, he will eventually calm down and usually apologise without needing prompting. This is much harder when you are out on public display, as with northerner's ds having a fit over a dvd in asda.
Not sure where I'm going with this other than I feel reassured that others are going through it, staying calm definately works but it's very hard to do and hopefully we'll get through this together!
On the other side, since turning four, he has also become much more loving, wanting cuddles, telling me he loves me etc.
Oh and one final point - don't know if this is relevant to any others but he is usually no problem when I am on my own with him. He tends to play up if me and dh are with him together (getting double attention) - bizarre or normal?
Sorry to ramble - don't post very often!

Kesh · 05/02/2007 21:55

My son is 5, going on 6 in April. He's turned into the most miserable child in the world Nothing is ever good enough. He struggles to be friendly and happy around other children and seems intent on antagonising them (and his sister). He's just plain sad and angry and well, nasty.

I firmly believe this behaviour does stem from school and the pressure they come under to be good at footie and other games in the playground, be in the 'know' about the latest games, tv programmes etc as well as the work they have to do. I also think they copy a lot of stuff from kids in their class who have OLDER siblings. The younger kids see their brothers and sisters going off on one at home and then display that behaviour at school. When your child is your oldest, you haven't seen it before so it's a big shock.

Northerner, I'm off to speak to my son's teacher (who is very experienced, having taught for donkey's years), to see if she can shed any light on his behaviour and also, keep an eye on him at school. Maybe you could do this too. It drives me nuts not knowing what goes on and how he behaves during the day - I feel if I could see how he tries to cope in different situations, I could guide him better when he's at home but since 'spying' on him is not an option - I'm gonna try getting his teacher on side!

Good Luck.

mamama · 05/02/2007 22:10

Northerner, I've only just seen this but I think it is what you mentioned on the other thread... nothing to add, just {{hugs}}

Hulababy · 05/02/2007 22:18

Northerner.

Sounds like you have had some good suggestions and advice already. I'm afriad to an extent a lot of children do go through this negative behaviour when they are starting school and having big changes in their life. I guess it is all just trying to rein it in somehow. Hope the help suggested starts have some effect for you and DS soon.

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