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Original poster

Pasta jar, star charts, naughty step... NOTHING has ANY effect on dd2 and I DESPAIR

112 replies

emkana · 30/01/2007 19:47

She really winds me up so much and I just don't know what to do anymore! No matter what I try it just has no effect on her. She just will not do as she's told. I started the pasta jar yesterday and was very hopeful but then today when I said "I'll have to take a pasta away from you for that" she just said excitedly "Oh please can I take it out Mum?"

She has odd moments when she'll cry and say "I'll be a good girl now" but two minutes later she's up to something again...

what can I DO, I just hate it that we're permanently at loggerheads!

She's 3.6 btw.

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juuule · 30/01/2007 20:21

My 3y6m dd wouldn't be impressed or particularly bothered by the pasta jar idea. She will listen to reason most times,though. If that doesn't work and she has the screaming ab-dabs and won't let anyone near her, I usually leave her to it and then when she's worn her temper out we have cuddles and that's us back on track again.
It's true that different things work with different children and I have been known to snarl on occassion when I've been tired and had enough. Usually end up apologising though.
What's your dd doing to wind you up?

Original poster
emkana · 30/01/2007 20:21

agree with you there cod
don't want her to say things like that in preschool

OP posts:
Original poster
emkana · 30/01/2007 20:21

juule - see post below

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 30/01/2007 20:23

I think that's where the pasta jar works because you can be calm about it. A warning that repeated offenses get the reward taken away gives less attention than other methods.

I can be scarey but I don't like it - I don't want to be remembered by DSs as the Scarey Woman. I much prefer to be remembered as the woman who hisses "pasta" evilly.

controlfreaky2 · 30/01/2007 20:27

comfort yourself with this..... we had christmas party..... one family of guests arived, heralded over doorstep by their ds3 (3.6ish) saying "f off f off f* off" to assembled company..... not in temper or shouting, just conversationally.....

juuule · 30/01/2007 20:27

Oops I type too slow

"Saying things like "stinky head" "poo head" constantly"

Yes - I'd say ignore. I'd tell her it's not nice and we don't speak to people who say that.

"Pulling the bookmark out of the book dh is reading with dd1"

Again I'd say it's not nice and then make her sit with me until dh had finished reading with dd1.

"Playing with things which aren't toys and she knows she's not supposed to play with

I'd tell her they were not for playing with and why. Then I'd move them or move her.

All a bit of a pain but she'll get older and understand more and then it should get a bit easier.

Socci · 30/01/2007 20:29

Message withdrawn

Original poster
emkana · 31/01/2007 09:31

I am soooooooooooo fed up already....

had the best intentions for a good day, but already she has messed around at breakfast and just now - wait for it - she licked all the liquorice bits from the sherberts at the local shop...

Normally Wed morning is our time together when she doesn't go to preschool, but at the moment I've just had enought of her.

OP posts:
Scootergirl · 31/01/2007 09:44

If you think it's an attention thing, could you reward her with extra stories at bedtime or the chance of a cuddle and watching a cartoon with you if she's good? We've got a sticker chart magnetic thing from ELC and if DD who's the same age as yours, gets all her stickers in a day, then she gets an extra story at bedtime and a chocolate

Scootergirl · 31/01/2007 09:46

If it's an attention thing could you reward her good behaviour with an extra story at bedtime or similiar? We have a magnetic reward chart from ELC which works well for DD (same age as yours) and she gets an extra story or something if she gets all her stickers for that day

Scootergirl · 31/01/2007 09:47

Bizarre double post - thought first one had got lost. Sorry!

edam · 31/01/2007 09:51

Sorry Emkana but PMSL at the liquorice - that's creative naughtiness! And v. embarrassing. She knows how to get a rise out of you, doesn't she? Clever girl.

Sorry, lots of sympathy, just can't help being impressed by her excellent grasp of manipulation at such a young age. She will go far. You'll have a head full of grey hairs, but she'll be running a FTSE 100 company or something...

oliveoil · 31/01/2007 09:51

I know it is hard but ignore ignore ignore all the annoying things and then when she is good, say in a really false, bright, enthusiastic voice "good girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Praise the good, ignore the bad.

dd2, who is only 2, is a nightmare but I have found that really giving lots of attention is the thing that works.

and for dd1 (4) as well, she is very good on the whole but will play up if she wants attention.

I don't do pasta jars, naughty step or anything really - no idea on pasta and they like sitting on the stairs .

Pitchounette · 31/01/2007 09:56

Message withdrawn

oliveoil · 31/01/2007 10:03

also iirc you also have a baby to deal with as well (?), so you will be pulled in different directions and have less patience, I know I did.

Flumpybumpy · 31/01/2007 10:08

emkana, I sympathise. My DD is 3.5 and we spend most of the day at loggerheads. She has such a fierce temper when she gets in a rage. I have to say I resorted to smacking, as I couldn't see any other way of disciplining her. All that did was make me feel like shit and make her start saying she hated me .

We now have a reward chart and so far so good. Her tempers have died down a bit (not completely). What I find hard is knowing which battles to walk away from. I am a very stubborn person so don't like to walk away from anything.

When she is kicking off I imagine my life without her, without her silly jokes and funny laugh and I am able to see through the anger and realise that she won't be like this forever.

I will watching this thread with interest.

FB x

Elibean · 31/01/2007 14:05

Love Soupy's choccy button jar. From a greed point of view, especially

dd is 3.1, and has stepped up a notch on attention seeking stuff since dd2 turned up two months ago (especially as dd2 has had health problems, which have taken me away from home at times). It drives me nuts at times, am hoping that time will ease a lot of it (she's had mega amounts of change in her little world, plus, after all, she's 3 ) but willing to try various other things to help time along...

Think she's definitely too young for pasta jar, and not keen on naughty step. Giving her choices (consequences) does work often, so does sitting down and holding her and talking things through, BUT all the naughty stuff is when I'm feeding/looking after dd2 and just can't give that kind of attention. So I go back to survival and relying on time again...

Elibean · 31/01/2007 14:06

Re silly words and 'poo head' etc, I have to admit I've yet to meet a 3-4 yr old who doesn't enjoy trying out 'naughty' words. I ignore them. She's picked them up at pre-school anyway.

pucca · 31/01/2007 14:12

Can i just ask, what is exactly is a pasta jar all about? never heard of that before.

Original poster
emkana · 31/01/2007 19:44

pucca - if you search for pasta jar you'll find lots of threads, I'm a bit rubbish at explaining it!

Thanks to all of you for the good advice, I will check out those books as well.

The rest of the day went much better, dd2 behaved reasonably well and I managed to be a calmer nicer mummy.

The thing is when I concentrate 100% on her she is adorable, I just can't do that most of the time....

In a way it was a mistake to have this one mummy day a week, as we get on much better when she's away at preschool for part of the day.

Glad to hear that other people are struggling at times as well!

OP posts:
Jimjams2 · 31/01/2007 19:50

Choose your battles and make her reward achievable and reinforcement for her. It has to be something she wants, and something she wants a lot. Otherwise it won't work. ALso make sure the reward comes quickly - prefertably right away if you're having problesm getting the system up and running.

Califrau · 31/01/2007 19:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

noonar · 31/01/2007 20:08

playing devil's advocate for a while...my friend has just bought a VERY interesting book called 'punishing with rewards' (or similar. ) it suggests that reward systems are merely a way of controlling behviour, and do not motivate the child to want to behave in a particular way.

i have used reward systems myself in the past, but am now less comfortable with them. they seem to smack of bribery somehow. in fact, have recently 'rewarded' dd2 during potty training. it left me with a really uncomfortable feeling that i was giving a dog a treat for performing tricks!

not meaning to be critcal, but just putting a thought 'out there'

juuule · 31/01/2007 20:45

I think it's a brilliant book. "Punished by rewards" by Alfie Kohn. Puts a whole different view on rewards.

Kittypickle · 31/01/2007 20:58

DS is something like 3.4 and I don't think he would respond well to the pasta jar. I pick my battles very carefully and with things like calling his sister "Stinky Head" I tell him very frostily that I do not want to hear him call anyone that again and leave the room.

So far I have found that taking one of his beloved trains has worked well when I have really needed to make my point or telling him off in my I will take no more rubbish voice. And being very consistent has helped.

I went off pasta jars, reward charts etc when I tried one on DD. She used to ask if she did something eg eat her tea then would she get a pasta. I felt that she needed to learn there are a number of things you just have to do and rules that must be obeyed because you have to, not because of what you get out of it.