Teaching stranger danger to 3 year olds..?

StrawberrySnowflakes · 2007-01-29T17:01:08+00:00

my dd and both mindees will say hello to anyone and everyone and although dd is a little more savvy, i am concerned that the others(one in particular) will happily go and climb on the knee of a stranger on school bench and not think anything of it? books, anything that you think would help would be appreceiated.

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NbgsYellowFeathers · 29/01/2007 17:02

Good thread SF. Will be watching it as me and dh were talking about it the other day.

Original poster

StrawberrySnowflakes · 29/01/2007 17:07

its one of those things you worry about isnt it as all dd's friends at school run up to me and hug me and although their mums know me to speak too i do worry!

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Original poster

StrawberrySnowflakes · 29/01/2007 19:24

anyone?, or can anyone let me know what 'you' did to teach our LO's?

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NotQuiteCockney · 29/01/2007 19:28

I don't 'do' stranger danger, well, particularly not at this age. What could go wrong from her climbing into someone's lap? You're there! You're watching! (You have to, because otherwise she could get lost, or get run over.) You're not about to let her go out and play on her own. So why would she need to be worried about strangers?

(My eldest is 5. I still haven't worried about strangers, as he's always with me or another responsible adult. And anyway children's risk of molestation is almost entirely from friends and relatives, not strangers!)

NbgsYellowFeathers · 29/01/2007 19:32

It giving some sort of understanding though.
If we're at the park my dd will go up to any stranger, grab their hand and make them go down the slide with her or she'll drag them off.
My worry is that what if the persons hand she grabs, runs off with her?
I have my 5 month old ds in a pushchair or sling and sometimes the dog.
Wtf would you do!

Original poster

StrawberrySnowflakes · 29/01/2007 19:35

i didnt mention molestation but yes your right my father sexually abused me from age 3, so i may be a tad edgy when mindees do things like this as i know(although not all) people are not always what they seem.
anyway, like i said it wasnt about that, it is trying to instill into children from an early age, that to be friendly is fine, but its best to stay with those you know and not wander off when you see something/someone you like or to sit on mens knees whom you dont know either and in that instance i had to explain to a very unsettled mother how quickly i removed her child from the strange mans lap!..he was embarresed and although very innocent on her behalf, felt extremely uncomfortable

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NbgsYellowFeathers · 29/01/2007 21:59

Oh hell SF

NotQuiteCockney · 30/01/2007 07:40

Stranger danger is pretty rare. Strangers grabbing children in parks and running off with them is vanishingly rare. Why shouldn't children sit on other people's laps? My DS2 decided, in a Paris playground, to sit on some strange bloke's lap for ages and chat with him. It was fine. The other guy was some kid's dad, and I was nearby, so, other than the fact the bloke was a bit embarassed (and apologetic to the male friend I was with for being so popular with what he thought was my friend's kid), it was fine.

When DS1 is old enough to go out of the house on his own (9?), I expect to talk to him about trusting his instincts, not always trusting grown ups. If he's concerned, he should go to a police officer, or an adult/woman with kids.

colditz · 30/01/2007 07:46

I think it is entirely unnecessary.

Jelley · 30/01/2007 07:59

I wouldn't consider trying to teach a 3 yr old this.

NbgsYellowFeathers · 30/01/2007 08:37

I dont thinks its unesseccary at all. At some point they have to understand this.

NotQuiteCockney · 30/01/2007 08:39

Sure, at some point.

On that basis, are you teaching him about contraception now? How about drugs?

Seriously, I think the ideas involved in 'stranger danger' are tricky for little ones to understand. I'm happier for my kids to be friendly with everyone, and leave their safety to me at this age. If they did understand about stranger danger, wouldn't it make them nervous, and maybe give them nightmares?

Original poster

StrawberrySnowflakes · 30/01/2007 10:33

thats why i asked for tips on teaching it to little ones, 3 year olds dont have sex or take drugs, but they are very trusting and i want my dd and mindees to understand that being with someone you know is safer than wandering off with someone else, or what to do if someone approaches them.
and i know when i was in infant school we did the whole "charlie said....and so on", why is it so bad to teach children of this age to be wary???..anyway, i get that some people 'dont deem it neccesary', but i asked for advice on how to teach them...so are the chrlie says books and so on still available??or is there a new lot these days?..think ill try asking dd's teacher at home time?

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NotQuiteCockney · 30/01/2007 10:39

But presumably you have to watch them all the time, not so much because they'll wander off with someone, but because they'll wander into the road and get run over ...

Original poster

StrawberrySnowflakes · 30/01/2007 10:43

i do watch them when their with me, thats not my point, i want them to understand safety and to stay close be it when theyre with me, their parent or other family/friend?, and not sit on strangers knees???cant actually see why im being questioned for wanting to make sure these children know whats right and wrong? and to keep them safe?

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wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 30/01/2007 10:55

it's a sad society we live in when sitting on the lap of a stranger is considered to be wrong/inappropriate. why exactly is it wrong? how likely is it that a stranger is going to abuse the child in a public place while you or someone else is watching?

3 year olds don't have sex or do drugs, and they don't go out on their own either, so that argument equally applies to them not needing to know about "stranger danger".

As they get older they will learn that not all people are nice people, but until they need to go out on their own and look out for themselves, there's really no need to put the fear of god into them about strangers, because in all reality, most strangers are very nice genuine people.

Tommy · 30/01/2007 10:56

afraid I agree with NQC. I was horrifies onec ewhen my MIL told DS1 of for running away from me in the street (I knew exactly where he was - he had nipped behind the pavements displays of a shop where he was well know to the owners) She siad "A nasty person might grab you and take you away"

He was about 4 I think. This situation is so unlikely that I don't think we need to worry them about it yet. I am more concerned about him getting run over or barging in to other people tbh than getting abducted.

I think 3 is too young to even mention it - they are innocent and will trust people and as NQC has said - you are always there anyway.

NotQuiteCockney · 30/01/2007 11:00

I do worry about misplacing DS1 when we're out and about. Not because I fear strangers, but I worry he'd get run over, and I worry he'd get upset and not be able to find me. I stress that he needs to keep an eye on me when we're out somewhere busy, just so we don't lose track of each other.

(That being said, in shops, I often bring him a book, and let him sit in a quiet corner. DH does the same.)

Original poster

StrawberrySnowflakes · 30/01/2007 15:25

it's a sad society we live in when sitting on the lap of a stranger is considered to be wrong/inappropriate. why exactly is it wrong? how likely is it that a stranger is going to abuse the child in a public place while you or someone else is watching?

???, because the mindees are in MY care and i would be mortified if my own dd was being looked after by someone who let them go and sit on the lap of a stranger!

and as i have also repeated i am not trying to put the fear of god into any children, this is mumsnet, im a mum as well as a childminder, and im trying to teach the children to understand certain things which keep you safe and others which dont...like im also teaching them how to cross the road safely, they are always holding my hand or in buggy but this is exactly the same thing, im trying to help them be aware, not scaring them for gods sake, thats why i asked for advice, not to question how insane i am for wanting them safe??

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sunnysideup · 30/01/2007 16:17

strawberry, you're not insane, of course not, you're obviously a very caring childminder.

I do think that at this age there is very little that it's appropriate or useful to say to a child about stranger danger. As others have said, they are supervised all the time at the age of 3 so their safety and protection is purely in our hands, not theirs and I really don't think it's helpful to introduce into the mind of a 3 yr old the idea of nasty people doing nasty things to kids; they have enough to deal with in learning about the world in general and just the world in general can be enough to make them anxious and give them bad dreams!

Don't worry, you are being a good parent and carer by taking responsibility for their safety; when they are a couple of years older they will A) be able to understand more that not all people are nice B) not even want to run up and sit on other people's laps anyway!

I do think that allowing three year olds to do charming, unconventional things like engage strangers in sudden conversation and sit on their lap, is good parenting - you are with them, they are safe; YOU are ensuring they are safe. Time enough to pass that knowledge on in a few years when they need it more.

I'm so sorry to hear of what you went through so very young, and from your own father - no wonder this issue looms large to you.

NotQuiteCockney · 30/01/2007 16:35

It's understandable to worry about them. Road safety is another matter - it's very very easy for a child to slip away for a second, and get knocked down or worse. Many many more children are run over every year than are harmed by strangers. After all, any car could knock over a kid, only a very small number of people would harm a child.

Original poster

StrawberrySnowflakes · 30/01/2007 16:59

thanks Sunnysideup, but im fine if not more wary of others and very alert with child protection. its just that dd's nursery(in school) sent letters out to all parents a week or so ago saying could we not come up to the fence when they are playing out, as they were trying to teach them stranger danger..so assumed it was something i should be more active in doing?...think ill just browse the book shops for charlie said and those type of books to ease them into it

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Original poster

StrawberrySnowflakes · 30/01/2007 17:02

btw, thats not to say i think everyone i meet is up to something sinister, i just watch people closer and keep my thoughts to myself unless i think there is cause to speak up..this man was obv embarresed, so never crossed my mind of anything other, just felt uncomfortable, more so him!

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NotQuiteCockney · 30/01/2007 17:06

Oh god, our nearest school has a fence to the street. I went by, ages ago, and there was a five-year-old (or so) at the fence shouting "kiss me! kiss me!" at a confused-looking old bloke, probably from the old age home next door.

I blew her a kiss, as that seemed like the most appropriate reaction ...