Toddler hitting baby

[gubbinsy]

Am seriously struggling now. DS2 is 14 weeks. DS1 2.9 will not stop hitting, scratching, biting or lying on him. It had eased off a bit for a few weeks but then they've both been poorly (just colds) and it's back. We're trying to be consistent but must confess it's starting to push my buttons and I quickly spiral into really negative patterns with him where I am shouting and trying all sorts to make him stop (removing him, removing baby etc)
I need to be consistent I know but any advice? Lean towards positive type parenting but HV suggested reward chart - open to trying but struggling to make it work as that's about rewarding good - maybe a sticker for every hour he doesn't hurt him? Then gets a reward for 5 stickers or so at first? Not sure he'd get the idea of an hour though.
Feeding is a massive trigger and I know it's because he wants me and my attention but can't just ignore it as he's hurting Ds2. Nails are kept short but Lego can be vicious!

Hi - saw this sitting unanswered in active and couldn't walk on by! It's so hard when they are hurting each other, I have the other way around with my smaller one going for my older one with fists flying, kicking etc. What I'm trying to do with her is really praise the good stuff "that was lovely sharing/that was so thoughtful/I really like it when you're playing together so well" etc. Rewarding for each hour is probably a big abstract-could you watch a programme together during a feed and reward for sitting snuggled to you watching that while you also feed baby?

I don't like sticker charts. They quickly lose interest...it's a sticker! They don't care after the shine wears off. Also at your son's age, "an hour" means nothing to him.

I agree that it's more about watching to see what the triggers are. Have you noticed that he's doing it at any particular time? When baby's feeding? When you're busy?

Call me old fashioned but does nobody tell kids off anymore? How about 'that's not very nice u can't do that to your little bro/sis'?! Bf is tying with a toddler but a good time for a sneaky snack and a favourite dvd on the sofa!

I'm not convinced by sticker charts either which was why I asked! Bit at wits end is why I was considering it.
Triggers basically any time I give attention to baby not him. Tried all kinds of distractions while feeding but not working. Trying to set him up with activity now before starting which is still hit and miss but seems a little better.
Of course I've told him off - every time in fact and always told no we don't hit. Do you think I'd be asking if that was working?

What does he ask to do with you? With mine I've found it helpful to sometimes have a "no!" Because that's what I mean and other times "I will do that with you once I've/we've whatever". At 2.9 time is a mysterious thing and many kids reset back to 'now' very fast. So how about in the morning setting out the likely day "so, today we'll be feeding baby, then X and Y, then feeding baby then lunch' for e.g then " so we're going to be a team with no hitting/kicking/biting so we have time to do x". Then with each bit you can say "so it's time for that feed then we'll be doing x, would you like to watch beebies/do playdoh whatever while we feed the baby then we'll do X, which we'll get to as a team". Might that sort of thing help?

I had a similar thing although older DS would mainly bite hit me when feeding.
On the off chance it works for you I found doing something with him at same time worked such as reading a story (I know the favourites without needing to actually read them!)
Or just remaining near him on the floor or wherever so physically close

My two are 2.11yrs and 12 weeks and we've had some real struggles too. What seems to have worked for us is a combination of (inadvertently) going ape when the oldest hurts the baby, emphasizing that no one was ever allowed hurt,/bite/scratch her when she was a baby, lots of positive stuff about how caring and lovely and gentle she is, and talking about negative stuff too ie how everyone can feel cross with the change and the new baby too. About how mummy and daddy felt when they had new baby siblings. And lots about how we used to be with her when she was a baby.
Good luck! It's hard, isn't it? I think we are getting there but the other day she poked the baby really hard in the eye, so it swelled.. Still, an improvement on the day she left teeth marks in the baby's foot that took an hour or two to fade.

My DS was like this with DD (21 month gap). I don't know, under three, they are pretty hard to reason with. I just did all I could to keep them apart and did most of my interaction with DD when DS was napping.

As an older toddler though (maybe from 3 and a bit or so), DS was very gentle with DD and as children they never, ever fought, or even fell out really. Just to reassure you that they grow out of it.

Thanks. I'm just finding it so draining and it's making days so hard as its relentless. I have to constantly be on guard if I put baby down and now he's getting more interested I the world he's not happy in sling all day if awake! Will keep trying and hope it's a phase!

I totally feel your pain, have 19 months between mine and the worst period so far has been earlier days when dd (now 2 and a half) wouldn't stop hitting/pushing/grabbing Ds (now 10 months). So frustrated with it I used to sit and cry because it seemed no matter how much praise/reward/explanation I gave she wouldn't stop doing it. I know she was very young for this but I ended up sitting her on the stairs for 2 mins every time she did it as I didn't know what else to do with her. She didn't like that and after a few weeks the message kicked in and she stopped. We still have The occasional push (especially now he is mobile and wants her toys!) but it's a lot better than it was.