Behaviour issues with 12 year old

[lovely123]

Hi,

I am so so upset right now and need some Mumsnet love...and advice.
Some background...
My 12 year old DS has always been a bit of a handful. Types of comments from teachers would be, he is not focused in class, chatty, distracts others, it is all sporadic feedback and nothing consistent to warrant us being super worried, we thought it is normal boy behaviour and it will pass.
DH and I would always speak to him, explain the importance of respecting his elders, teachers etc and trying to understand what drives this behaviour.
As mentioned above he has always been a handful and what I meam ny this is that he is over confident to the point where he can come across as cocky, too clever to take instructions...
He is clever and is in grammar school but of average calibre now, not sure if this is important to know but mention it anyway.

Anyway he also plays a lot of sport and this summer he has been playing cricket for a club, 3 years in now.
We were told a month ago that his coach had made a complaint about him and a couple of other boys about them being too chatty and rude.
We of course spoke to him and said this was unacceptable, we made him apologise to the coach and we thought that would be the end.
No....we got another complaint from the same coach again saying he was the same last night and this time he is banning DS from next weeks training session;(
DH and I are so upset and to punish DS we have told the manager that he will not be coming back at all for any of the matches or training for the rest of the season.

We need to draw a line somewhere and these issues have been going on far too long without consequence.

DS is of course in tears and is saying the coach hates him and he is being picked on, he has also said he feels like he is not wanted (this made me cry).
I would believe him if it was not for the fact we get consistent feedback about him from multiple sources.

What would you do?
For now I have said no more cricket for the rest of the season which is a pain for me as we hit the summer holidays and I had crickets camps etc booked for him.
What would you do?

I think I would have done exactly as you have! Perhaps you could ask one of the other players mums if they've had any issues with the coach? If they have then have a word with the facility and it's still probably best that DS isn't involved in that environment for the season, and if not then I'd say the punishment fits the crime as they say.
It is terrible to hear that they don't feel wanted/don't belong but I think it's a manipulation esp when used shortly after being told something they don't like!
Best wishes!

Personally I think banning him from cricket is a dangerous move! As they enter the teen years you want them to stay as involved as possible with sports, clubs etc, in my experience this can help keep them grounded and give hem something to focus on other than the less wholesome temptations that teenagers experience! It's done now - but something to bear in mind.

I think you have done the right thing as there has to be a consequence. I run a guide group and occasionally we have cheeky behaviour and it upsets volunteers. We report to parents but rarely have any feedback so it's refreshing to see a parent take it seriously.
Hopefully this will be the incentive he needs to focus.

I think you have chosen a strange course of action.
The coach had an issue and the coach chose an appropriate punishment - banning for one week.

You then completely overrode the coach's decision, decided you know better and have withdrawn your DS from cricket entirely. Which appears completely disproportionate when compared to the coach's punishment. Do you do this at school too, giving double punishments when he has already been punished by school?

Presumably this will have an adverse effect on the whole team, including the coach and your DS's friends for the rest of the season. If I was the coach, I would conclude that removing your DS was less about punishing your DS and more about making a point to the coach about who is in control (implying that if he keeps complaining about DS then you are withdrawing DS from the team).

I can't see how this will help DS moderate his behaviour. Presumably it is going to make it very difficult to return to the team - both because he will not want to have to return shame-faced and the coach may not want him back, plus his spot might be filled. So you've taken away something which he has enjoyed for three years...to what purpose exactly?

For some reason the cricket has taken the full brunt of all your concerns about DS's behaviour. I think you lost control and reacted in a knee-jerk way. You seem to have no other ideas about teaching your child how respectful relationships and communication work, so why do you think anything will have changed at the end of the summer? How will he learn to behave differently if you aren't actively showing him how?

I suggest sitting down with your DS. Ask him what punishments he feels would be appropriate, listen to him. Maybe tell him that you were so disappointed in his behaviour that you overreacted. That being in a team is exactly the place where he needs to learn how to be a good team player, respectful of his team mates and coaches. So you've decided he can continue with cricket and, with his agreement, you will change the punishment to X instead. The new punishment might be one he has suggested himself, or maybe it is one where he has to do some volunteering locally (litter picking, gardening for a neighbour or similar) to learn how to respect his community.

Oh Bless him.
He sounds like my dd, poor lamb sounds like he hasn't got a clue.
I'm no expert but these are the questions that we and teachers are asking assessors of dd.
They are looking at ASD and ADHD amongst others.
Lots of similarities, including messing up something they are good at and being bright.
You can't ban him from cricket, the coach ban will be enough, I bet he's
heart broken.
I think you should push for an assessment.

Gilly I don't read anything that indicates ASD/ADHD, nothing about the ops post suggests more than a bright boy with a strong personality who needs reining back a bit before he hits his teens. Another poster wrote a much more detailed post which is more or less what I meant, please rethink the cricket.

I can certainly see the similarities, being a bit of a handful, chatting and disturbing others in class, messing up at an activity he enjoys.
it is unacceptable behaviour happening in more than one setting.
Ove cocky and unable to take instruction is the way that some people with Aspergers can come across, i know this as my ds2 was always like this.
To me it sounds like you are firm with him and you certainly show consistency, which makes me feel there may be more to it than him pushing boundaries or being badly behaved.
If you speak to school and they feel similarly it is probably worth checking out and nothing lost if he has no SN.

I agree with other posters saying that I would not stop him from attending any sports sessions - the coach is deciding what should happen at his sessions, you don't need to step in and go overboard, just back up the coach and talk with your DS.

FWIW, my DS was pretty difficult at his sports training sessions when he was 7-10. The coach that he had at that age kept meeting him head-on and he was often in trouble despite being good at the sport. A new coach had a different approach and DS started to behave better.

Can you try to get to the bottom of the problems with your DS? I am not sure that he understands what it is that he is doing that is causing the problems. Once you can make it really clear to him what it is and why it is so disruptive, he then needs to try to change his behaviour. Is he capable of reining in his behaviour or does he find it very, very difficult?