Rude and defiant DD8

[The2Ateam]

I would appreciate some advice on how to handle my DD8's ongoing attititude, behaviour and defiance. She is a very confident girl with bags of personality who was a dream baby, toddler and loved nursery and school until yr2.

Now all I hear from her teachers is that she is rude, no respect for adults and doesn't do enough work in class. She gives up at the first sign of a problem and becomes distracted or does the distracting.

We are also experiencing this at home, and punishments are not working. For example, I told her earlier I was confiscating her beloved iPad due to yet another complaint from her teacher. Her reaction was: "So?"

Please help me with some strategies to improve her attitude and behaviour. X

Have you actually taken the iPad? It sounds like she doesn't think you mean it.

Take the iPad away. My daughter (also 8) always responds with attitude when pulled up on something but quickly realises that I always follow through. If the first consequence doesn't work I impose another one - no puddings, no TV etc. It's not perfect (at all) but it's slowly working and I do see some improvements!

Yes I have and she hates it. Perhaps I need to do as OP says and takes more things away, she lives puddings. She just doesn't appear to be interested in school any more.

Might be worth digging a bit and treating the cause as well as the problem, so to speak - why is school an issue? Is there some underlying problem? I find my daughter talks a lot more when we're walking together - no face to face communication to make it harder. She usually cracks and opens up a bit about a mile and a half in!

Honestly, I don't think there is an issue at school. I think she just doesn't like it because it involves doing things she doesn't like- like learning, keeping quiet and being told what to do. My DH thinks I'm too soft on her but his idea of disipline involves shouting and generally no real action. I feel sad for DD, I want her to love learning like I did, but she doesn't.

Does she behave differently for your Dh?

It might be worth trying something like 123 Magic, but you might also want to have a look at The Explosive Child, which works on the premise that if children aren't behaving and normal parenting isn't working, expectations may be outstripping their abilities. If school are having the same problems it does look as if this may be the case.

Read up about Kohlberg's theory of moral development.

8 year old children aren't usually primarily motivated by a fear of punishment. In fact, they often want to show you that your punishment of them "doesn't work," badly enough that they'll continue to defy your wishes even after a punishment they truly hate. I was one of these stubborn children myself, and my parents ended up in a very abusive dynamic toward me as they did not know how to contend with a child whose attitude was "I don't care if you punish me, do it more, I'll show you." They took more and more glee and pride in punishing me ever more creatively -- I truly believe it became something of a game to them, and they still to this day act as if some of the most hurtful, horrible things they did were truly innovative, excellent parenting.

If she's giving up at the first sign of a problem or difficulty, my guess is that she's quite bright and is used to things coming very easy for her. 8 year olds are much more easily motivated by praise than punishment. Consider a LOT of praise for making an effort and trying. Punishments for being "lazy," in my experience, just made me internalize the idea that I was a lazy, bad girl who couldn't be trusted or helped. It took a long time to get rid of those ideas.