13 year old - Temper Problem

[jennyt19]

Hi All

Just looking for advice. Having a major argument with my DH. My 13 year old son for the second time smashed the TV by throwing his remote at the TV. We've only had this TV for a matter of weeks. Our previous TV my husband replaced the day after my DS smashed it which I think is totally the wrong thing to do and he wants to do the same this time. My DH has said why should we pay the price; however, I feel that my DS should really be made to feel the consequences of his action. If all we do is confiscate his xBox or iPad for a month and immediately replace the TV he learns nothing.

My DS was really upset when he did it. He thought my DH would throw him out!!

The problem is we've had a number of issues with my DS behaviour both in school and at home. As you can see he has a temper but he has a big attitude problem as well. He's a bright kid who achieves great things when he puts his mind to it but it is getting him to focus that is a real problem. He lives for his xBox games but it is these games that causes most of his temper issues.

I'd be interested to hear what others think.

Thank you for reading my post.

Jenny

I totally agree with you re-demonstrating control. My DH doesn't. He says why should we pay for his mistakes and we've had a huge argument about it. He wants to go straight out and buy a new TV just like last time and possibly the next....

I don't know why his games cause anger issues but when he's engrossed in a game he can't just put it down. He lashes out when we ask him to do his homework or some other chore. He seems to turn into some kind of demon. I've said that he should earn the right to use it but my husband doesn't totally agree. He has end of year tests coming up so I want to use this as an excuse to get him working. Last year he did so badly. We've talked about getting him some sort of help as he's clearly not in control of his temper. I tried to tell him that a split second impulse has caused weeks of misery for all of us. Not sure whether he totally took it on board.

The problem I have is convincing my DH.

Thank you so much for this. You're making so much sense.

I've had literally dozens of emails from my DH since this has happened. He's determined that we replace the TV. He's not thinking of the impact this will have on DS. I've said we need to use this as leverage for end of year tests. Not sure whether he's taken it on board.

The school have been supportive in some ways and not others. They had a SEN who left. She'd been working with DS. They've now got a replacement. We've been told that DS may have ADD. The problem is its not really a school that has children with special needs of any sort and I'm not sure they know how to deal with it.

Why two threads?

We've had a similar problem with my ds (12). When he plays on his Xbox, certain games (fifa 16) can make him so worked up that he loses it and lashes out. He once made a small hole in the plaster when he threw a controller at it and then, more recently, he broke his tv when he lashed out. It was his tv, solely for Xbox use, that he'd had for Christmas. He was very upset about it too.

As it was his own tv, the consequence of his action is that he no longer has a big tv to play on, he has to use his old, very small computer monitor screen which is hopeless in comparison; he also knows that if he wants to replace it then he'll need to save up birthday/Christmas money which could have been spent on other things.

Your case is a little more tricky as it's not his tv and so you and your dh are being punished by not replacing it. Does he have any of his own money he could use to buy a small tv, that is his, and say he's not allowed to use your tv for the Xbox?

In fairness I think our ds may also have undiagnosed (mild) adhd and he certainly has temper problems sometimes; but I actually think, in a funny way, breaking his tv has been a valuable lesson and I really don't think he'd ever do it again. It's been a major loss for him, all for a moment's madness.

I think that you ds needs his own tv (that he needs to buy himself or have for birthday/ christmas) and then if he does it again, you and your dh won't be the ones to suffer.

My brother was like this with games, they made him so angry and completely off the wall with a bad temper. The only solution was to limit them, my parents had to be really strict with it and stick to it (this meant only at the weekends and no more than an hour in the afternoon). I don't think the issue here is really the TV, I think it is the games. I always thought that in the same way the images can induce epilepsy in some people's brains so in other the set up this reaction that leads to uncontrollable tempers. Get the gaming under control and then you can separate out whether that is completely the cause or if there are other issues.

Sell your sons Xbox and games. Do not buy another one for him.