DS 14 with ASD - hugely shouty and agressive -

[ASDMumDS14]

hey

My DS is 14 with ASD and is hugely shouty and agressive. Everything we ask him to do is a battle, homework, tidying room (all the usual stuff) he doesnt do much around the house

Everyone is a 'stupid moron' (his actual words)

He's getting bigger, and i worry about him. I dont know how to help him.

I have a supportive DH (his bio dad in case it matters), and he has a younger brother.

Sounds very stressful.

I have a few strategies that help keep things on an even keel for my DS, who also has Asperger’s. Mostly, expecting far less. An untidy room is not worth a big fight - unless it’s filthy and you have mice. Low expectations are a good thing. I don’t expect my DS to do much round the house. I don’t usually ask for help. Instead he has a few tasks built in to his daily and weekly routine, with lots of praise and thank-yous and not commenting at all on the bits he hasn't done properly. Like you would do for a much younger child, really. When he was about 14 we bought him a students’ cookbook and told him to cook a meal for all of us out of it one evening a week. We had to pretend to like some fairly horrible things at first but a couple of years later DS can turn out a really tasty lemon chicken . Every now and again - maybe three times each year! - we tidy his desk and shelves together. DS doesn’t leave stuff on the floor but his desk is stacked with stuff, not piles but layers upon layers, a bit like those hoarders houses on TV

Although it doesn’t look like it, a lot of shoutiness and aggression is really a response to anxiety and to demands my DS doesn’t know how to meet or to demands he didn’t expect. So giving my DS some advance warning helps, not expecting him to do something straight away but telling him when it needs to be done, then when the time comes asking him if he will do it now or in five minutes. And using a calm quiet voice myself however rude and shouty he gets. You might find something similar helps a bit?

I use some strategies from Explosive Child with my DS. It really does help keep things calm in the short term and and it has also helped him to be a bit more flexible over the longer term, even though it’s not specifically aimed at kids with Asperger’s. Also you might find more support over on MN Special Needs. Try posting in MN Special Needs Chat or Children, there is a Teens section but it has very low traffic.

thank you for taking the time with that lovely long post -

we do the advance warning, but sometimes even that gets you a verbal kicking

going to pop over the the SN section

thank you again

I know this post is soo very old now - but wanted to give an update

The shouty 14 year old is now an absolutely lovely young 22 year old who graduated this year with a degree in History.

We still have moments - but no violence apart from a door slamming.

There is hope at the end of the tunnel

Thank you for your update. So nice to hear!