how do you handle lies?

[GeorgiaT2468]

Just that really.. My 5 year old DS comes out with random fibs but some he really elaborates on and finally tonight has been caught out on one that caused quite an inconvenience to several people. He doesn't appear to understand the effects lies can have despite me explaining in great detail possible outcomes. I'm worried he will lie about something serious and it's not going to be a good situation. He can be quite convincing and I'm a little frustrated now.

Please help, advice greatly appreciated. Thank you xx

What was the lie?

I would tell him what the impact of lying is and reiterate why he shouldn't.

Sounds silly maybe but after he got home from school today he sat at the table and began crying and panicking that a child stole his pencil case at school today. He was hysterical and explained this child often steels etc.. He told me he told the teacher but she said there was nothing she could do. So I phone the school to see what had happened. The teacher had no clue what I was talking about and searched the whole classroom for it whilst I was on hold. Then she came back to the phone and told me it was no where to be seen. She then rang this child's mum and left a voice mail explaining the circumstances and asked her if she found the pencil case in her child's bag could she keep it safe until we return to school. She then phoned me back and told me this is what she had done.

Later I took my DS to his school disco and I saw the child's mum there so I approached her and asked if she could check her child's bag etc which she agreed to. When we picked the children up from the disco she handed the pencil case to me. My son asked her why her child took it home. The mum said that her child's older sister told her that my DS gave it to her to keep. She felt her daughter could be telling fibs and I didn't think my son would give it away as he's very fond of his new pencils and sharpener. Anyway I questioned him and he admitted he did give it to her and the whole thing was a lie. The other child was upset to lose the pencil case and my DS doesn't seem to understand the inconvenience he caused everyone involved. Not only is the other child upset but everyone rallied around for him making calls and hunting through bags etc, he was hysterical at home and was adamant that it was stolen and gave an answer quite sharpest to all our questions about it. But all lies..

There's that and many others like saying his brother has done something he hasn't, blaming him when he's actually done the naughty thing, says people say stuff when they don't, says things at school like I can't wear my coat because it's to big, I can't wear my shoes because there to big and point blank refuses to wear them in school, when his dad says no to something he tells him that Iv already said yes to get what he wants, tells me he went up to the gold star behaviour chart at school when in fact he's misbehaved. Loads..

I thought I taught him well about honesty.. When he lies I always talk to him about it and explain how wrong it is and the effects it can have which at the time he seems to take in but then soon lies again.

Iv quite had enough of it, I know he's only 5.5 but surly he should understand and accept lying is unfair and wrong? xx

Some of it is lying and some of it is excuses.

And actually lying is a difficult thing to teach because actually we do all lie (tooth fairy and Father Christmas!) so lies are needed sometimes.

The incident sounded like he was scared to tell the truth. My ds (6) - I could talk to him about why he said something untrue and then explain that a) he wouldn't be in trouble and b) he can tell me what happened.
However for him to do that he had to trust that I wouldn't automatically tell him off for something which I have worked on.

So I would be careful not to label him as a liar and seperate out the serious lying from the silly excuses. So if he says his coat is too big - maybe that's his clumsy way of saying something about it bothers him?

So I think you need to rethink your strategy for dealing with him - give him confidence to speak up, that you won't automatically tell him off and you will listen to try and work out his motives for something.

Yeah I understand that.. It upsets me that he can't tell the truth. He's never automatically told off unless I know for facts that he's done it. I always give my children a chance and I very rarly raise my voice.. I don't understand it at all, this is only a recent thing but still I'm worried that he feels he has to create a story. It's clear he gave it away and then decided he wanted it back so fabricated but to make it up makes me feel like he's not confietabke to tell me the truth and now I feel like a bad mum I always want my kids to be happy and comfortable and I thought i always done my best to have an open honest relationship with them. They know they can come to me for anything at any time no matter what it is. Maybe he thought id be upset because I specifically told him to keep it safe at school as he has a tendency to lose or forget things. I hope he only made it up for that fact and not the fact he can't tell me the truth. I did ask him why didn't he tell the truth straight away and he said he didn't know and that he was sorry he pretended it was stolen, cuddled me and told me he wouldn't fib again. XXXX

Thanks for your advice I appreciate your time.. I'm going to chat with him tomorrow about honesty and assure him that he can tell me the truth always and that if he does feel worried about owning up that he shouldn't feel like that because honesty is best. He does know that if he's honest he has praise for it because it's a big thing to admit you've been wrong so I'm just going to encourage that more xx

I think lying is a developmental leap anyway - it is a sign of maturity. So he's got to that step and now needs to know how to use it properly.

It is hard!