cant cope with 16 year old

[darthtater123]

wonder if anyone has any ideas.

Having problem with oldest boy (16.5 years). Usual problems attitude , stealing ,stories , wont lift a finger etc.... which are difficult to cope with but have muddled through.

Recently it has escalated to violence towards the younger 2 ( both under 10 one under 5 ). It started with the odd kick , trip , slap etc.... but now it is getting really bad , slapped face for young one and other one being punched, he has also threatened to break the older ones fingers because she got too close to him.

Wonder what our options are as me and my partner are at our wits end tried everything from talking to him when calm to explaining not acceptable. We try and keep them apart and he is not always like this as can be really good brother until something happens he doesnt like.

Any help appreciated we don't want to give up on him but we need to protect the younger siblings .

Sorry if rambling and not sure its come across in right way , just new to this site.

What does he say when you talk to him about it?

He denies it all tells us to prove it , then he says it either didnt hapen or its their fault finally when he gets fed up of convo does a spiel about how he understands etc.... and he wont do anything like it again. He then goes off to his room and it calms down for a day , two at the most before it starts up again.

I am not entirely sure but I think at the age of 16 he could be prosecuted for threatening/ violent behaviour. I am not suggesting this but it might be worth exploring it and pointing this out.

Yeah people are saying contact the police etc.... and we have told him we will do if it gets much worse , but its not phasing him .

Has he or is he being bullied? It's only that you seem quite reasonable and gentle, but your DS seems very aggressive. I am just wondering from where he is learning this behaviour.

We have wondered that ourselves , he has had some personal trauma from elsewhere many years ago , but me and my partner have always supported him through it and he was always open and honest on how he was feeling regarding it. He doesnt really go out very much and his time at college is usually limited to lessons . Have tried for years to find out if things worrying him etc.... but the problem we have now is the safety of the other 2 if he loses it :-/ .

Its making me sound like I don't care about him , but its tearing things apart just want whats best for him as well as the others :( .

Obviously I have no idea where you live etc. But from what you have said I think I would recommend DS a) Gets into thrash metal b) gets a moped c) Gets a girlfriend d) starts doing a regular sport (rugby has done us well) and e) gets a part time job. God I sound like my elder sister.

lol yeah sounds like my previous life pre kids, he has his job on a saturday. now to work on the other 4

Well then it's in the genes. Festival in the summer?

For good behaviour.

Could he have started smoking weed? Can cause erratic moody violent behaviour.

It may be a good call Irritable. I just always try to Ms Positive.

*to be

Like you say, you need to protect your younger children. Let's say the older of the two mentions it at school, it will be taken out of your hands. Violence towards younger siblings is taken very seriously, particularly with such an age gap. If you haven't seriously tried to put a stop to it (such as asking him to leave, taking the children to a place of safety, informing the police) you could be seen as failing to protect. I know that it's horrible to contemplate but you must take action, my initial thoughts would be to have him stay else where for a bit but if he does assault the children again you need to call the police, though violence against a minor is very serious.

Yeah , the worry is the escalation , we have tried everything but the police route. We have sent him out for the day before to come back when he has calmed down. If he was 18 he would of been straight out the door but still have just over a year of this left and it's not healthy for anyone including him for this to carry on.

Having been through very similar with my DS, now 20, it's actually really hard to kick em out even at 18, as there really isn't any homelessness provision for single people anymore, other than hostel places with lots of very hardcore drinkers, drug takers and ex prisoners, with serious behavioural issues. My DS ran out of sofas to surf, got himself into really bad trouble with the wrong people, and begged us to take him back. He's been a lot better since. Not perfect, but managable, and he is trying much harder to fit in with the rest of the household. He is 20 now, it's been a rocky few years. You may have to do something drastic and kick him out to protect your other children, and hope the harsh reality of life without all mod cons on tap teaches him some appreciation. Risky, I know! It's a tough place to be, OP. I feel for you. Life for us is a million times better than a couple of years ago though, so don't give up hope.

Junosmum makes a good point also. In the end DS had to go to protect DD who was just a baby. I did NOT want authorities getting involved, as with the best of faith, you just never know how that can go...