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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

9 year old girl still sleeps with mum

16 replies

Zayna99 · 14/12/2006 12:54

Is this normal? My DP is concerned that his dd sleeps in the same bed as her mother every night. He's tried everything to persuade her to use her own bed but her mother doesn't want her to.

It's not the child's fault. Her mother seems to be having the child in her bed for her own comfort.

I find it a bit creepy to be honest. I mean, there's nothing wrong with getting in for a cuddle now and then, but to have the child move into your bed permanently... well, I don't think it's right.

Mother has not found a new partner since my DP left her two years ago. She seems to be using the child for comfort.

What can my DP do? He does not want to upset his dd, he does everything he can to make her happy as he feels so guilty for leaving in the first place...

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NotQuiteCockney · 14/12/2006 13:00

I think that if the child and the mum are happy, there really isn't a problem. A friend of mine slept with her DD until her DD was 9 or 10, and it worked for them. (She was a single mum at that time.)

MrsBadger · 14/12/2006 13:02

So does his dd want to sleep in her mum's bed, or is her mum forcing / cajoling / guilt-tripping her into sharing?
If they're both happy with the arrangement why change it?

stoppinattwo · 14/12/2006 13:04

MY DS and DD would stay in my bed when DP worked nights, my worry was if theree was a fire, having to go and get them both.

It isnt normal, but i dint think its creepy, maybe its cold in their house at nightime? at the moment our kids will go to sleep in our bed as it is warmer, i knwo there are hot water bottles etc etc but they like our bed for some reason... its comforting

Dp doesnt do nights anymore so the only time our kids get into our bed is when they want to.. they are 7 and 5 btw. As your DP's DD if she minds.

bundle · 14/12/2006 13:06

I remember reading that someone I'm not allowed to name slept with her mother until she was ten and it had badly affected her sleep patterns.

DumbledoresFairy · 14/12/2006 13:08

Are the dd and dm in question maybe upset by the split up and simply sleeping in the same bed for comfort?

Original poster

Zayna99 · 14/12/2006 13:13

DD loves her own room and feels silly that she still sleeps with her mother, dad is told not to mention it in front of her friends. It is mother that tells her dd that she needs her because she 'doesn't feel well'...??? What's that all about then?

OP posts:

persephonesnape · 14/12/2006 13:45

with the greatest respect your partners daughter may just be telling him what she thinks he wants to hear. you've no way of getting to the bottom of this, short of creeping into the house in the middle of the night.

my eleven year old daughter still gets into bed with me most nights - she doesn't like living in the (rough) area we had to move into when their dad left and feels safer in my bed. consequentially my sleep patterns are knackered! i really don't think theres anything creepy about it at all, even if your partners ex is doing it for occasional comfort. it can take a very long time to get over a family breakup.

mummy2ashton · 14/12/2006 14:02

don't see the problem with it myself if both kid and mum are happy

fairyjay · 14/12/2006 14:05

My dd would intermittently come into our bed in the middle of the night, and dh or I would de-camp to her room, until she was around 11.

She's now 13, and would hate to sleep with either of us.

hoxohoxohoxo · 14/12/2006 14:06

Creepy suggests you think it untoward or inappropriate. It is nothing of the sort. def not 'creepy'. not even that unusual. you would expect them to have a close relationship after teh family broke up, it's natural.
My italian friend is amazed that kids here DON'T sleep with their parents.

Is it just the fact that she is sleeping in her mum's bed that makes it 'creepy'? Or are you just trying to find something wrong with your dp's ex?

morningpaper · 14/12/2006 14:07

Sounds like this is about your feelings towards your DP's ex-partner, rather than concerns about the girl.

There are children of this age sleeping with their parents all over the world.

MrsApron · 14/12/2006 14:13

hmmm am an avid supporter of cosleeping but this suggests to me that the mother is looking for comfort from the child rather than the other way round. not ok a nine year old shouldn't be her parents comforter.

totally fai enough if it is the child climbing in with the mother but the mum removing child from her own bed and shifting her into the mums bed is not fair.

KTreePee · 14/12/2006 14:30

I used to work with someone years ago whose father worked abroad a lot. Her mother used to let/encourage her little brother (who was about 4/5 at the time) to sleep with her (the mother) when he was away. The poor little boy then got turfed out when the dad came home. I think it created all sorts of issues as you can imagine....

eggnog · 14/12/2006 15:04

friend of a friend still sleeps with her mum at 21!! it started after her father was killed suddenly. i have met them both and they are lovely and seem well adjusted as anyone. i think it is more normal than people make out. i slept many nights with my parents until i was around 14 as we lived in the middle of nowhere and i was scared. it was a great comfort, very cosy and i dont think has affected me at all. i sleep well and am normalish i think perhaps sleeping alone is very over-reated

Flower3554 · 14/12/2006 15:42

My DH has a cousin, female, who is single and in her forties. She has slept with her mother since she was 13 and her father died suddenly. At first I'm sure it was for comfort but as time passed the mother became convinced that it was for the best. This lady has been actively discouraged from "horrid" stuff like boyfriends or college and her life is centered around pushing around her mothers wheelchair as she is now disabled. No amount of family intervention has helped and in fact it just closed them in further. Once the mother dies I think it will dawn on the cousin just what she has been made to give up. A cautionary tale perhaps!

eastendgirl · 14/12/2006 18:59

I haven't read the whole thread, and do not mean to judge anybody. Anyway I have an Italian male friend in his mid 20s who sleeps with his mum when he visits her at her house, in the nude I may add. Nothing untoward happens I am pretty sure, they are very open about it. But my friend's relationships with women are very screwed up. At one point he had a venereal disease and he slept with a string of girls without telling them about the infection. When I told him that what he did was wrong he said he didn't think so. Anyway I told him he should seek help. I think that my friend hates women, in fact unconsciously he hates him mum for not helping him separate from her. I think children need to learn to separate from their parents. And this can be painful for us parents.

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