Teacher - monitoring son

[Fedup83]

DS 4 has behavioural issues at school.

We've supported the school over and above what I feel could be expected and as requested took DS to the GP to talk about his behaviour.

The GP read the letter produced by the school (much of it we thought ludicrous) and dismissed it saying he could see no medical reasons for his behaviour other than him being bright and perhaps bored.

Dutifully we pushed for a referral (even though neither GP or DH in fact saw fit).

We've taken it all the way to the consultant and after a very stressful time over six months worrying about it after a second session have been totally discharged. No interventions. No medical issues. This despite a rather intense and quite upsetting 'report' being written by the teacher.

Now we feel the teacher (who insisted on having her say about DS to the consultant in said report) can't let things lie and deal with any behaviour in class.

Behaviour includes pushing and shoving and snatching: and "some" of the incidents are through antagonisation. His behaviour at home can be challenging at times - but has markedly improved over the last six months. Which four year old boy isn't a challenge at times?

She keeps a 'note' of his behaviour in lessons - is this even allowed?

Now we've supported and supported I now feel like the poor kid (who has no medical issue) is being unnecessarily monitored.

I'm absolutely sick now. Advice welcomed.

Thank you.

They both bring me so much joy. I would never swap but it has been hard and I'm sure it will continue to be! X

I wrote a massive post and it just disappeared.

In a nutshell, you're busting a gut - some kids are "high maintenance" and that's it.

Advice:
Yes to day sheet with comments on how he did (positive and negative each day).

Talk to him about this but don't punish him again for that. You have enough on your plate to manage him at home and keep things positive.

No don't ask for the teacher's notes because she won't give you them as they will have other children's names on them and she can't give you those.

Think about his food now - is sugar setting him off, or an added ingredient. My friend's nearly 4 year old boy goes bananas after a sweet - she's learnt to give him nothing sweet after 3pm or he doesn't sleep and throws wobblies.

Lots of reasons for behaviour and you can't iron out every one of them.
Tiredness and hunger; wrong food/drink; jealousy; communication issues leading to frustration and lashing out. Power- a desire to control things starts to come earlier with some than others. Attention seeking. If they can't get it from being good then they will put up with being bad and getting it from that. If it's one of the last 2 you can tell by how you feel. If you feel slightly threatened (not physically obviously) but challenged then it's power. If you feel irritated then the root cause is attention seeking. In addition to that, 4 year old boys get a massive surge of testosterone at that age. So you've got nature to contend with. Plus the stress of lots of other unpredictable 4 year olds.

Could you try some kind of baby massage or baby mindfulness breathing techniques with him with calm music or something to reduce the energy and tension?

I meant to say he sounds like a typical 4 year old boy. You will get through this. A mother who bothers to ask advice on a parenting forum is clearly one who cares deeply about helping her child. I've said it before but school is just so hard for kids, boys especially. In many countries children don't start formal learning until age 6/7 and they are much happier for it. This is the system we have in the UK and we just have to make the best of it and help our little ones as much as possible. Many children struggle. xxx

Firstly, actually the teacher writing down all behaviour can be very helpful to identify the flash points. With ds it was very much lunch and break and if there was a lot of noise going on (he has glue ear). Once we realised the flash points we could work to reduce them, keep a closer eye on him at those times, and make sure he was able to come to the teacher and say he needed to go somewhere quiet (library usually) which allowed him to calm down.

I think though you are minimising "pushing and shoving". On one point, you're right, a lot of the children in reception will partake in this. However presumably 29 of them haven't had their parents in to talk about it. So you can assume he's doing something more than the norm.
You are wrong in that is isn't violence and "with the outcome of hurting" others. I can give you several serious injuries which happened with a shove, my brother had stitches in his head after one at a similar age, we were in A&E with someone with a suspected broken wrist after some horseplay-yes it was entirely in fun with no malice-ended with a shove which landed the child in question on her wrist.
It can very much be done in annoyance and with intent to hurt. There's a difference between the sharp elbow to get space next to friend in the queue and the both hands full on push in anger which lands a child flat onto the floor.

I think what people are trying to get you to see is that you see your ds. A wonderful little boy. You know his little ways and the way to calm him down. I've got one of them myself.
The teacher sees lots of little boys. She (or he) is comparing him to the other boys she has seen, and there is something that is raising alarm bells for her. She's not doing this to be vindictive or because she doesn't like him. It would be much easier for her to treat him as generally naughty and react accordingly. To say "oh he's so badly behaved". She's not. She's looking to see if there's a reason, so she can help him, so he can come through without the tag of being "the naughty boy". She's spending time and effort for this.

But also as Ruth says, I do know of children who at 4yo who were told no chance of any SEN. As they get older they cope less and less well with school, and they may be diagnosed with something then. So if this comes up again when he's older, then don't dismiss it because you were told this at 4yo.
He may get through reception and gradually cope with school better. That's what happened with my ds. I still sometimes look at him (he's 8yo) and wonder if he does have some issues. But he copes well at school now, and even occasionally enjoys some of it!

I'm going to sleep now but have just read through those lovely replies and will get back tomorrow. Thank you.

:( :( :( that many people think that no SN = parent should have perfect control, responsible for any bad behaviour. Parent is obviously shit if behaviour is poor. Only 2 extremes possible. :(

That really is an extremely unsupportive attitude. And it doesn't do anything to help kids, either.

The one thing I'll say, Fedup83, if you later decide that a professional assessment is worthwhile, you will be so grateful for all the records teacher is keeping now. It's very difficult to get treatment or even assessments without school agreeing that there is a problem.

My son is 9 I had this trouble with him at this age thought it was adhd seen doctors and school doctor who said he was just being a typical boy. When he was in nursery there was another kid that use to hit him and push him and when my son done anything back the teacher would tell him off until one day I picked him from school for him to have a foot print on his back cuz the said boy booted him so hard I pulled the teacher up and told her. My son ain't no angel to this day and still has a few issues with not paying attention and pushing and stuff but I do just think it's a boy or kid thing