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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

inappropriate behaviour by DD age 10

22 replies

diamondtrix · 22/11/2015 01:23

Hi people im new here im a mum of five kids and really need advice! Last week my 10 yr old DD exposed herself to my 2 yr old son whilst playing in my bedroom. My husband (her step dad but bio dad to my 2 yr old) caught her and went balistic!! DD got very upset and said that my DS had pulled her onesie down and it was accidental. I dont believe there was any sinister intent or abusive behaviour going on cos I know my kids and she didnt understand what she did was out of order so I explained the meaning of boundaries and underwear and also that certain games should not be played. My husband was quite harsh in my opinion but I understand his concern however my DD is now inconsolable and feels awful. I sought advice from NSPCC website and I read about childrens curiosity etc and my MIL who is trained in these matters says its nothing to worry about and that it was probably a silly accident. I just feel that at age 10 my DD should have known better! Im beside myself with worry. Sorry for long post! Please give me your opinions me and hubby are at breaking point and coukd mean the end of our marriage and destroy our children's lives

OP posts:

VashtaNerada · 22/11/2015 03:54

Oh dear, you poor thing. I'm not sure what you mean by 'exposed' and how sexualised the gesture was (nor should you feel you need to give more detail here), but I think the right approach is a quiet, kind word with her about appropriate behaviour, ensuring she knows she can talk to you if she has any worries. And then move on. It sounds like you did the right thing and your DH was shocked and overreacted and possibly owes her an apology. She must be feeling terrible. Do you think he will calm down over time?

Atenco · 22/11/2015 05:15

I honestly don't know what you mean, OP? Call me innocent, but I cannot see what she could have done that would provoke such a reaction.

NerrSnerr · 22/11/2015 05:56

It really depends on the context here. From what you've said it sounds like nothing, just a young child playing but the reaction suggests something more.

RideEmCowgirl · 22/11/2015 05:56

Was she walking around naked? If so my boy's are naked in front of each other and they are 8 and 12.

Or was she laying down with her legs spread and the encouraging the 2yr old to look.

Very different situations but
I need more context really to be able to give advice.

winchester1 · 22/11/2015 05:59

Really this seems like.such an over reaction my two yr old see me naked and his dad, why is thus.such a big.deal to.your oh?
Will he calm.down about it?

I think your dealt with it already btw nothing more needs to be done.

claraschu · 22/11/2015 06:06

My children still go naked in front of each other and they are 14, 17, and 20.. There is nothing wrong or shameful about nudity, and it is 100% normal for children to feel a bit curious about the private parts of their brothers and sisters (especially if you are so careful to cover them up). I think your reaction could be scary and make the children think there is something wrong with the human body.

Sansoora · 22/11/2015 06:34

The word 'expose' has such sinister connotations behind it and I think you have to ask your husband exactly what he saw. If it was a case of her showing her bits to her brother in a provocative or sexual manner it would have been obvious and that begs the question where did she get the idea from?

And if it was very innocent you need to sit down with him and find out where this extreme reaction came from and make it clear its been a huge over-reaction.

You also need to start thinking about how he's going to parent your joint children.

Poor wee girl has probably been made to feel like an absolute hussy by her stepdad.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 22/11/2015 06:35

You read advice and spoke to your DD calmly and appropriately about boundaries etc? Also your MIL who has relevant training, isn't concerned.

BUT you're beside yourself, your DD is inconsolable and your marriage is in danger of breaking?

What is the missing element that is causing the panic?

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 22/11/2015 06:43

Your DH is the one who is very worked up?

shouldwestayorshouldwego · 22/11/2015 06:47

Presuming that MIL is DH's mother is it worth getting her to talk to him and calm him down a bit. Nudity at home at 10 is nothing to be ashamed of. Could it be partly because her step father saw her naked that she is so upset.

goddessofsmallthings · 22/11/2015 06:51

What age and sex are your other 3 dc?

my MIL who is trained in these matters says its nothing to worry about

If your MIL is the mother of your h, I suggest you ask her to talk to her son about his inappropriate behaviour and the psychological harm he may have caused to your dd.

My husband was quite harsh in my opinion but I understand his concern In what way was he "harsh" and what is "his concern"? That your dd, who is a child of ten, is a paedophile or that she's going to "expose" herself to other males? And what exactly did your 10yo dd expose to her 2yo half-sibling when he pulled her onesie down?

Whatever the facts of the matter, your h's reaction should not have caused your dd to "feel awful" nor should she be "inconsolable" because of anything he's said to her .

ineedamoreadultieradult · 22/11/2015 06:59

Unless she was displaying any sexualised behaviour I can't see a problem at all.

cedricsneer · 22/11/2015 07:06

There are two issues here - one is that we don't know how sexualised this gesture was.

Secondly, whether it was sexualised or not, your 2 year old ds will not have been traumatised by your dd "exposing" herself - as long as it didn't involve touching.

The vulnerable child here is your dd, who is either displaying sexualised behaviour (usually a result of abuse - being exposed to porn at her age is abuse too) or because her stepfather has totally overreacted and frightened her.

I'm sorry op, but your dh reaction sounds awful. He should have been concerned about her, not shamed her. I think you need to reappraise how well he is step parenting your kids. Your poor dd.

JennyOnAPlate · 22/11/2015 07:07

I think it's your husbands behaviour that's the problem! We all see each other naked in this house.

insan1tyscartching · 22/11/2015 07:14

My ds has ASD and at ten he was always naked. Dd is eight years younger and so the same age gap as your two. Dd doesn't remember that ds was always naked nor does she remember that ds started wearing pants because once she was mobile she'd chase him and try and grab his bits. Your dh has really blown this out of all proportion. You need to raise this with him and then you need to tell him to apologise to your dd.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 22/11/2015 07:14

cedric's right - we don't know the specifics.

Someone could be catastrophising or someone could be minimising. How can we tell?

AndNowItsSeven · 22/11/2015 07:14

Your dh was the only one that behaved in appropriately. I have a ten year old dd and a ds who is three. I would have no problem if dc was naked in front of him.
Are you at breaking point with your dh because he bullies your dc?

ShelaghTurner · 22/11/2015 07:47

I have 7 and 3 yo girls and they are constantly showing their bottoms to each other. They think it's hilarious. If I tell them to put their bottoms away (jokingly) the 7yo in particular will wiggle it all the more (all aspects of it).

So at the moment it's hard to see where the problem is other than your DH. Unless there was touching involved obviously.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 22/11/2015 08:01

Or something inappropriate was said. But if it had been, OP would know, presumably?

Is your DH normally quite calm and reasonable OP?

thenewbroom · 22/11/2015 11:05

Sounds like your husband has the problem. He is viewing her actions as sexual but she's just a child playing. Now he's made her feel dirty and ashamed as well? I don't like the sound of this at all.

Original poster

diamondtrix · 22/11/2015 17:29

hi people thanks so much for replying! it has really helped me and yes i absolutly agree with u that DH has defo over reacted by that i mean he shouted at her but i think he kind of panicked. i have had over 16 years in parenting and have spent most of my life around children so i know what they get up to and what is innappropiate and whats not where as he is a first time parent and i think it is inexperience My MiL has said he is an idiot and has told him to get a grip he has calmed down now and has apologised to us all. The only thing i can think of that may have caused his panick maybe his own upbringing on behalf of his violent abusive father but not so sure. we have agreed to put it behind us as a family and i have had a lengthy discussion with my DD and have made it clear that if my DS ever pulls her clothes off or does anything "rude" again then she has to tell him NO and to tell me straight away and not go running to her step dad because i can make him aware of his childs behaviour not her its my job see. but because of his reaction i am worried that if anything ever happened to her by an older child or adult she may be too scared to tell me! this is another discussion i have had with her to reaasure her and iv told my husband the ramifications of his behaviour! thank you so much for your advice and opinions people very much appreciated! xx

OP posts:

RideEmCowgirl · 22/11/2015 17:37

Still would like to know what actually happened.

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