ADHD or FASD

[JohnsJumper]

Hi. I posted this is in SN children but did not get much response so am trying here.
So DD1 who is now 4 and just started school has some behavioural issues. To be brief, she has some speech and language delay and difficulties with social interactions. She is fidgety, restless, lacks attention and impulsive. Appears to have some quirky behaviours, such as eating sand and the like.
I have taken her to see the paediatrician and she has also been observed by a local SEN school who do outreach as well. I have no feedback of what they have observed yet. She is also due her first SALT intervention (finally) tomorrow after several assessments including social skills.
Initially I thought she may be on the autistic spectrum, largely due to the language and social problems. However I have since been reading about ADHD and felt she fits some of this too... My husband had behavioural problems when he was a child and he believes that she has just inherited this from him.
Today however I came across an article that hit a nerve. ADHD and FASD share common characteristics/symptoms... I have googled and googled and I am tying myself in knots with this.
Essentially, I drank during the 1st few weeks until I found out I was pregnant when I stopped immediately. I got pregnant straight away after getting married and throughout our honeymoon I drank every night. I found out I was pregnant at approximately 6 weeks (around 4 week post ovulation). I have always wondered if this impacted on her development and have always felt guilty. She does not have full blown FAS, such as the facial features, only behavioural elements of FASD. Everything I read on the internet reports that ANY drinking is bad news and can cause brain damage. This now has made me much much worse and I have been sat here crying thinking I am to blame for her difficulties!
Please someone help with any useful advice, information, or just reassurance.

Everything I read on the internet reports that ANY drinking is bad news and can cause brain damage

No. Actually I wouldn't mind betting that around half of all children are conceived after a boozy night out! But most of us react this way to finding our child is struggling; it seems to be automatic to blame yourself for it in some way.

You are doing very well to have got the ball rolling already if she's only 4. Hope you get some useful advice soon.

Mine has autism, by the way. I spent years accusing myself of either being responsible because he'd inherited it from me, or being responsible because I'd chosen to marry a man who possibly had signs of it, or being responsible because of the way I was bringing him up, or the timing of his baby jabs, or the use of antibiotics...

But it's just him. He's who he is, and needs our help, not our guilt.

Please don't worry - you would have needed to have drunk large quantities throughout your pregnancy to have caused FASD. You are not the cause of your child's difficulties so you must stop worrying about that. Save your energies to sort out appropriate support for her. There are so many similar traits in different conditions that it's rare a child sits right in the middle of a diagnosis, more often showing a range of difficulties that could be attributed to several conditions/diagnoses (though often not meeting the threshold for a "label" of any of them) HTH xx

you would have had to drunk the equivalent of two bottles of wine every night throughout your pregnancy, for it not to have been your first child and probably not your second either.

Step away from Dr Google - anyway surely most 4 year-olds are fidgety and restless, what does her class teacher say?

Please don't feel you are in anyway to blame. Your dd sounds very similar to my 4 yr old dd, who has just started school.
I'm almost certain that she is somewhere on the spectrum and although she has no diagnosis, we are fortunate that the school has been extremely supportive and she loves it (thrives on structure). She's under a paediatrician too.
I have 3 much older sons, when I was pregnant I followed the alcohol guidelines recommended at the time. I think I may have had a couple of small glasses of wine with a meal twice a week, maybe.
With my dd, I didn't touch a drop.

I've come out of the feeling guilty/googling everything stage now and focusing on helping my dd. I have been more stressed and anxious than my dd has ever been. Don't blame yourself! x

I looked up this too for similar reasons, basically I think that as long as you stop drinking when you realise and realise around usual time, weeks 4-6 you are ok. It tends to be the sustained drinking that carries on past this point.

You now we all want reasons and are quick to claim guilt but sometimes there aren't clear reasons, uncertainty is hard but no better when you focus on blaming yourself. For what it is worth my child evened out and is still a bit of an unusual child but happy and doing well.