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Behaviour/development

Talk to others about child development and behaviour stages here. You can find more information on our development calendar.

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Original poster

Do we obsess about our babies too much?

24 replies

Newmum1000 · 01/12/2006 09:23

Why do we worry so much about constantly playing with our babies/not playing enough/not having long enough naps/taking enough milk at one go/never leaving our babies to cry a bit etc? I'm guilty of it too but in my parents' day (I'm 31) it seems like mums really didn't worry about such things and their baby just fell in with their lives much more easily. My mum looks at me as Iif I'm mad when I start to go on about my dd not having a long nap. I really don't think she ever timed the naps of my sister or I!!
I have one theory that this is because couples tended to have babies at a younger age, many mums did not go back to work until school age or beyond and so they had plenty of time to let issues just ride themselves out. As I (and a lot of other mums these days) am going back to work after 9 months, I feel that I shouldn't lose a minute with my baby so she comes with me whatever I'm doing, though I will still do stuff like housework while she's awake.
My mum's generation also tended to live closer to their family so had greater support from grandparents and other relatives.
Mumsnet is a brilliant and supportive website but do forums like this just make us obsess about our babies development and behaviour more than we would otherwise? What do other mumsnetters think?

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nearlythree · 01/12/2006 09:26

Is dd your first? I was the same with my first, but now I have three I am much more relaxed.

Original poster

Newmum1000 · 01/12/2006 09:33

Yes she is and tbh I'm far less neurotic than I was in the early days thank god but I do think the constant analysis/obsession about our babies in more endemic to our generation than it used to be.

OP posts:

WonderCod · 01/12/2006 09:33

yes

katelyle · 01/12/2006 09:33

I couldn't agree more. I worry that we are bringing up a generation of "watched" children. We even watch them while they play! They don't fit in with our lives, we fit in with theirs. And I'm not sure that's healthy, either of us or them. If you're interested in reading books about children (to take your mind of watching them all the time!) if you haven't read Deborah Jackson's "Do Not Disturb" you might find it interesting. One of the things she says is something like "Children should have a label on them saying This Grows Up Automatically"!

Original poster

Newmum1000 · 01/12/2006 09:39

Just checked D.Jackson's book out on Amazon. Looks interesting - as you say - exactly the thing we are discussing really. Thanks Katlyle will have a read.

OP posts:

WhenSantaWentQuietlyMad · 01/12/2006 09:42

I agree, I am always thinking that we think too much about babies and what is right and wrong.

Mind you, there is an antidote. For me it was watching the Royle Family(!). I suddenly realised that however you bring up your children, somehow they will be okay. Our children are better nourished, looked after than ever before.

With my first I was obsessed with every movement, every breath she took, every morsel of food that went into her mouth. By the second, I was so busy that I couldn't worry and I am sure this was a good thing.

mawbroon · 01/12/2006 09:43

Very interesting question. I think that a lot of it boils down to the fact that our mothers have actually forgotten an awful lot of what went on. I know that I can't remember how long ds napped for 2 months ago let alone looking back in 20/30 years time!! I also think that the amount of information available to mothers today probably contributes to a lot of the obsessing. All this looking on the internet to see what babies are "supposed" to be doing by this age or whatever. Mothers now are also bombarded by marketing (as they were in our mother's day too, but different stuff) for things like baby monitors which alert you when the baby stops breathing, or these night cam things. My mum swears that none of us ever woke in the night. I think it is more likely that my mum never woke in the night because we weren't on the other end of a monitor!!

nearlythree · 01/12/2006 10:32

I've tried reading Deborah Jackson and can't get into it at all. But I totally agree with what she says.

Although...I was neurotic about dd1's eating and she is fine. I never fussed about dd2 and she is so picky she is anaemic.

SchneeBallFight · 01/12/2006 10:33

absolutely

Pitchounette · 01/12/2006 12:12

Message withdrawn

Original poster

Newmum1000 · 01/12/2006 12:24

I agree that there are some good things that our generation has learned like not introducing solids too early, and not smacking. Attachment parenting is obviously nice for a baby too.

On the other hand, my mum apparently left me to cry myself to sleep once I had been fed/winded etc. I have no recollection of this obviously and remember my early childhood fondly. And... with the fear of raising the smacking debate which is not what this thread was initiated to do, my mum occasionally gave me a short, sharp smack which I hold no grudge against her for doing at all. Yet I will probably not smack my dd UNLESS she is about to put her hand in the fire or something.

This is controversial...but I wonder if one of the reasons for relationships breaking down so much these days is because lives are centred so much around kids it is hard to find any time as a couple. I really am going to try my best to strike a balance. My dd will be doing these that we enjoy doing (like going to a gallery) as well as visiting legoland or something. At least, that's the plan!!

OP posts:

HuwEdwards · 01/12/2006 12:33

yep

bluejelly · 01/12/2006 12:38

Yes, without a doubt.
Almost all baby toys and special equipment are basically marketed to appeal to anxious parents.
Babies need:

Milk

A warm place to sleep

Some loving arms to carry them

Nappies

Everything else is really not necessary!

bluejelly · 01/12/2006 12:39

( That belief didn't stop me building up a humoungous collection of baby goods most of which are still blocking up my loft

riab · 01/12/2006 13:28

Yes, and i think mumsnet and other sites can make it worse. You think that if you've produced helahty (ish) happy (ish) kids, with you them and your partner all still alive and together as a family. Roof over your head and food on the table you've done a good job.
Then you come online and in one day you are;
an 'eco vandal' cos you had to wash 3 loads a day when DD was 3 and pooing herself,
you've 'damaged your childrens health for life' because you fed them sausage and chips in front of the TV,
'you're raising a clingy child' cos you carried your clingy 7 mo in a sling
DS will be emotionally crippled for life cos after 7 night of no sleep you left him to scream himself out of his paddy while you gulped a glass of wine and cried on your partners shoulder

etc etc.

Well yah boo sucks to all that SH*TE its Xmas soon, DS is alive, I'm alive, and me and DH are still married i count that a winner!

DontlookatmeImshy · 01/12/2006 13:44

But sites can also be a huge help. Iknow I wouldn't still be breastfeeding ds(14 months) if it wasn't for mumsnet.

I think all the books available that tellus how to bring up babies don't help. Iused tolaugh at mymum when she kept declaring they should all be banned,now I'm beginning to think she had a point.

I used to obsess that dh didn't have enough toys/stimulation/books etc until it occured to me a few weeks ago that when I was his age I probably managed without all the plastic crap.Was probably perfectly happy with a woodenspoon

Rookiemum · 01/12/2006 13:48

Yes much as I love mumsnet (how will I give it up when I go back to work) it does make me a tad neurotic.

I stopped using our Baby Einstein DVDs altogether because in the early few weeks of parenting there was a heated discussion over them and the upshot was that using them meant you were a feckless lazy ne'er do well whose child would doubtless grow up to get an Asbo ( I'm paraphrasing obviously)

However if you think mumsnet makes parents neurotic then go onto the baby whisperer site, there are some true gems on there, mothers monitoring the exact time their babies eat and sleep, taking it all sooooo seriously and getting really stressed if their mil, gps, childminder or whoever won't follow their routine to the letter.

Also quite surprised by some of the parents who never ever ever go out on their own. We do to make sure we stay together as a couple as the most detrimental thing we could do to DS is to split up and that means sometimes putting our own needs first.

Pitchounette · 01/12/2006 14:16

Message withdrawn

vitomum · 01/12/2006 14:33

i cringe when i think of some of the things i obsessed over. Ultimately i think all it achieved was to raise my stress levels (and make me look like a right loon). i resolve to be much more laid back if there's another one.

PeterJones · 01/12/2006 14:58

I'w with riab......

and I'm also pretty sure that I would have been dicorced by now if it weren't for the Baby Einstein DVD's. And yes I was the mother frantically trying to get dessed for work at 6.30 am this morning whilst 17 month DS watched Baby Mozart in our bed..............

Mellin · 01/12/2006 16:22

This is a great post! I am definitely guilty of this one and in moments of sanity wonder why as an intelligent adult do I suddenly lose all confidence in my abilities as a mother when I read that another baby of the same age is sleeping through the night and having 2x2.5 hour naps a day.

I think it's human nature to compare yourself to others and with a forum such as this you can get carried away reading comparing you LO to others and wondering why doesn't mine do that?

I also don't think it helps that there are so many so-called experts out there with miracle routines that will supposedly whip any baby into shape and if your kid isn't like this than you are doing something wrong. I don't think my mum ever had a book to "learn" about us, she made it up as she went along.

cruisemum1 · 01/12/2006 16:54

Mellin - I'm with you on the loss of confidence when you compare babies! I have already raised one beautiful, healthy, intelligent, happy daughter so why I think I cannot do the same with my 12 week old son is ridiculous. I am constantly fretting over length of naps, where he has them, bedtime routines -EVERYTHING! I have forgotton how to enjoy his babyhood . It is making me sad just thinkig about it

MadamePlatypus · 01/12/2006 17:17

I think we have the time to obsess about our babies. Ensuring that there were enough dry nappies around when you didn't have a washing machine or central heating never mind a tumble drier must have been quite time consuming.

If babies required the amount of input that some books would have you believe the human race would have died out long ago. On the other hand, it is definitely true that the baby period is incredibly intense, but also doesn't last for very long. Therefore unless you are actually going through it is difficult to really understand/remember what it was like. I also have a theory that mother's are programmed to forget the first months of having a baby so that they go on to have more.

cruisemum1 · 01/12/2006 17:33

Madame - you are so right about forgetting. I can not recall what dd was like for the first three months at all!! I thought I would remember everything but I struggle to remember anything!

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