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Original poster

Formula feeding guilt.

56 replies

Spitoon · 13/09/2015 14:47

I have a very beautiful 19 day old son. We had a really difficult birth- natural home water birth that went wrong, ending in epidural/episiotomy/ventouse as baby was back to back and I was tachycardic. It was quite traumatic but we got him here safely.

I tried breast feeding with him from the outset but he has tongue tie and I have 34H boobs with flat/inverted nipples. He has never been able to latch at all...even using nipple shields he would just clamp down with his gums...which really effing hurts!

I really wanted to breastfeed so the breastfeeding team lent me a hospital grade pump at day 3, which I had for a week and have since hired one through Medela. I've been able to pump enough for a feed each time but it actually hurts and depresses me because I feel I am not getting to spend enough time with my baby, so have sometimes skipped a pumping session a day to give him a formula bottle and spend some quality time with him.

This afternoon I just broke down in hysterics crying at my husband as I am finding it all so difficult and feel I need to give up and formula feed, despite wanting to give him my milk so badly. Husband is wonderful, he says he will support my decision as he just wants me to be happy.

My MIL has been a bit of a wanker, constantly asking when I'm going to start breastfeeding 'properly' and making remarks about how he'll surely be able to latch as he gets older/stronger etc. She's massively and militantly anti formula and pretty much views formula feeding mothers as selfish and lazy. So there'll be a massive backlash from her.

My own mum is awesome...of the 'happy mum = happy baby' school of thought.

I just feel like a big, shitty failure, nothing has gone the way I wanted it and I worry that PND is never far away. I know breast is best but also that formula is not the devil...but I worry that I'm being selfish moving him onto formula.

Hold my hand, please.

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Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 13/09/2015 14:51

All three formula fed, DS was damaged at birth and his facial mussels were droopy. All three have thrived physically and academically, and happy and healthy.
I get what you are saying, feeling disappointed, but you tried, and you seriously need to ignore MIL shes not doing you any favours.

Swifey · 13/09/2015 14:53

You are the best mum! I have not breastfed my two ds (3.5 and 17 weeks) and they are both wonderful healthy and happy, and very importantly I was a happy and relaxed mum. No one way is right for everybody, and formula is brilliant. No need to ever feel guilty. Ever. This time is time that you never get back, so enjoy it and treasure it. Just ignore you mil, I had the same and dh eventually had to have a chat with her and she backed off. Your body, your baby and your life. This way dh can help with feeding too!! Good luck for you!

Original poster

Spitoon · 13/09/2015 14:54

Thank you Sally

I know bottle feeding doesn't harm children etc as I am one of six bottle fed children myself and we all managed to get post-grad degrees ;)

OP posts:

Original poster

Spitoon · 13/09/2015 14:57

Thank you Swifey

OP posts:

icklekid · 13/09/2015 14:57

If YOU still want to breastfeed make sure you get help from midwife /la leche/nct however if you want to formula feed please get dh to tell mil that you have both made the decision to stop and that whilst it isnt what you wanted it's best for you as a family. I breastfed until I was at breaking point -life improved significantly once I stopped and both my baby and I were much happier. So glad dh will support you

comeagainforbigfudge · 13/09/2015 15:00

FF here too
I had a traumatic birth too. Was in hospital for a few days. Only one mw tried to help me with bf. No one suggested pumping either. FF ended up being the sensible option. (What's more I needed to go back on meds so was only going to bf for a couple of months anyway)

DD is thriving! As am I. My OH did the late evening/early morning feeds so I could sleep.

Ignore MIL.

Oh and congrats

KissingFish · 13/09/2015 15:00

Formula feed and stop feeling guilty about it.

My wife had a horrible birth with our son and then he was in special care for a week. She tried to breast feed but for numerous reasons our son couldn't do it so she decided to exclusively express. This was horrible. When I was at work and she was on her own she was having to rock the baby in his bouncer while strapped to this machine. It was so detached and she ended up with postnatal depression as well as PTSD She had to express all day just to get a small amount. The health visitor made her feel guilty and she read too much on line which made her feel worse.

One day we just stopped and gave him formula. He was happier and so were we. My wife got to hold him and feed him and wasn't stuck in the house all day expressing.

Yea, breast is best if it works but it's not always what's best for your situation.

Don't feel guilty, you're amazing.

BeaufortBelle · 13/09/2015 15:04

Breastfeeding and childbirth are very small parts of being a,mother. You have had a tough start and you have persevered to give your baby the best possible start. I have,been where you are now and kept going for far too long with pressure from a MIL too. Women who have fed easily have no understanding of the difficulties and pain of those who find it difficult. All mothers and babies are different. All mothers are entitled to feel pai. Free and at ease so they have happy times with their babies.

I felt a,failure and guilty 21 years ago. There is nothing wrong with formula in the Western world where there is was access to clean water. It didn't stop my ds growing big and strong or succeeding at school.

On the mothering point your little boy will remember his first day at school, his first goal, his mum screaming from the touchline and being there for school plays, cooking his favourite dinner, wiping his tears away when he has his first graze and then when his heart breaks for the first time. He will not remember breastfeeding or the ventouse. The happy lo ing childhood you will give him will be more important in helping him grow into a,confident young man.

You and he are,at the,start of a journey - may it beca happy one for you. You are doing fine it's hard learning to be a mummy.

PS - my MIL was a champion breast feeder. It didn't make her a champion mum.

RB68 · 13/09/2015 15:05

I struggled and struggled and ended up expressing for 8 weeks for a baby born at 31 weeks - it was ridiculous the whole world changed for the better when I stopped and formulae fed. Do what is best for you and your child, tell MIL that at the end of the day its your decision not hers and to stop adding unnecessary stress to the situation and if nec fib and tell her that it was recommended to you by HV given the struggles and difficulties etc.

You don't have to announce it to the world just do it. You will feel alot better

RB68 · 13/09/2015 15:05

ps I had same problem as you too in terms of enormous boobs and a 4lb baby - wasn't going to happen - lol

Qwertybynature · 13/09/2015 15:07

I'm sorry you've had such a tough start to motherhood. I had similar difficulties trying to bf my ds. I tried to bf but because he couldn't latch properly he wasn't get enough food and was feeding for 9hrs through the night. Obviously this wasn't right and I was exhausted.

My midwife was really lovely and completely supported me when I formula fed.

You are not a bad mum. You are trying to feed your child. As long as your child gets fed, and it doesn't matter how, you're doing brilliantly.

La Letche have lots of support, as does NCT and your HV should be able to point you in the right direction if you decide you want to persevere.

Don't waste these early days racked with guilt though, your baby will be fine however you choose to feed.

CoodleMoodle · 13/09/2015 15:15

Horrendous birth here: pre-eclampsia, long labour, ventouse. Tried to bf for three days but nothing came out, DD was starving and I was bleeding. She ripped my nipples to bits, and when I expressed for the first time it was just blood. The very last time I tried to bf, DD ended up with blood on her face, and I said NO MORE. So we switched to expressing and FF and instantly everything was better. I expressed for six weeks and then moved to FF full time.

It was absolutely the right choice for us. DD was eating, I wasn't crying every time she needed milk, and we started to enjoy her. Now she's 18 months and a happy, healthy, perfect little monster girl

Hoppinggreen · 13/09/2015 15:16

I FF 2.healthy bright happy children from choice, never wanted to BF at all and not an ounce of guilt have I ever felt!!
You need to do what's best for you all as a family and if that's to FF then do it.
Your MIL will have many differing opinions from you about parenting and you will need to learn to not let it bother you. If she gets a bit much ask your DH to have a word.

NiNoKuni · 13/09/2015 15:16

My DS was in the SCBU for 5 days and fed through a nasal tube. He just wouldn't BF after that. I felt awful, guilty, a failure as a mother. But then, formula isn't poison and it's what he wanted. If it's a choice between no food or formula, you go with formula. Oh, and I tried pumping. I made it to 5.5 weeks. It's so much extra faff you don't need when trying to cope with a newborn. Just FF, it'll feel weird for a few days then it becomes normal. To hell with other people's judgements.

Topseyt · 13/09/2015 15:53

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ChristineDePisan · 13/09/2015 15:57

Your choice. Completely.

Though I do wonder if you are putting too much pressure on yourself (what is "quality time" with a 19 day old?????)

iamnotaponceyloudperson · 13/09/2015 16:09

I think I know what you mean by 'quality time' with a newborn. I really struggled to feed one of my DC and experienced everything you describe (except the MIL issues). By quality time I guess you mean enjoying your new baby's existence and relaxing with him for the first time. Although I had bf's successfully before, with my FF dc I'll never forget the relief and joy (and unfortunately and unnecessarily, the guilt) I felt the first afternoon I decided to give him a bottle.

Your choice. I would ask DH to tell your MIL of your joint decision and that feeding is absolutely not up for discussion in anyway.

BeaufortBelle · 13/09/2015 16:10

"quality time" with a 19 day old baby is when you don't dread the pain of the next feed.

ffffffedup · 13/09/2015 17:59

You are not in anyway a failure if it's not right for you and baby it's not right end of. You won't have any less of a bond with your baby because his mouth is a couple of inches away from your breast when you feed him.

TheExMotherInLaw · 13/09/2015 18:13

Generally, I'm very pro bf, but you said your new baby has tongue tie - I do believe that's ever so difficult for bf.
More important is that you feel the need to ff - so do it.
Tell the judgypants that yes, you'd like to have bf, but baby needs to be FED.
Also, you need the stress of it all out of the way.
As the best for you and your baby is ff, go with it, nobody else gets a vote!

EatDessertFirst · 13/09/2015 21:58

DD was tongue-tied. Add to that a hideous labour and delivery and a touch of PND and the best thing we ever decided was to FF her. I managed six weeks BFing and even the HV reccommended I stop or mix feed. DD wasn't able to latch, stopped putting on weight and we were all fucking miserable.

Although I do understand your guilt. She sucked down that first bottle DP gave her as though she was dying of hunger. I sat in the bathroom and cried. But it got better, every aspect of her.

DS was BF in hospital, but was a very lazy feeder. With DD being just two when he arrived, and a shift-working partner, FF from the start made things a million times easier.

tipple · 13/09/2015 22:11

I could BF but actually hated it. For me at the time I was happier stopping. I understand the guilt and I still feel it sometimes tbh but like you I was FF, have a degree and an v close to my mum.

comeagainforbigfudge · 13/09/2015 22:15

www.fearlessformulafeeder.com/

Have a look at this website OP. Lots of stories about how mums end up FF after trying to BF. Might help you. It certainly helped me. My DD is 13wo now but I still read it every now and then. Helps me keep things in perspective.

purplemunkey · 13/09/2015 22:19

I BF'd for nine weeks and combi fed for a further three when things started not working. I was SO determined to get back to EBF and it consumed me, I beat myself up massively for combi-feeding at the time. I eventually had to accept it was making us all miserable and slowly moved to FF only.

DD is 10m now and looking back I can't believe what a drama it all was to me. Please don't beat yourself up and please don't feel guilty. FF is absolutely fine and if it's what's best for your family then do it.

eurochick · 13/09/2015 22:24

Stop if you want to by all means - formula is baby food, not poison. But if you are really struggling with it, remember it doesn't have to be all or nothing - you could express one or two feeds a day if you want to.

I had a prem baby who couldn't latch so I expressed (exclusively for a while and then mix fed). It was bloody hard and at times I felt like I needed eight hands to feed or amuse her and deal with the expressing but it was my choice and my husband was very supportive (he did loads of feeds while I expressed). Incidentally she did eventually latch - just before I went back to work so we only did it a few times as we didn't want her to become a bottle refuser! They are contrary little things these babies.

As long as your baby is fed, do it whichever way work best for you. You've done really well to try for this long with a tongue tie and a painful delivery to deal with.

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