Formula feeding guilt.

[Spitoon]

I have a very beautiful 19 day old son. We had a really difficult birth- natural home water birth that went wrong, ending in epidural/episiotomy/ventouse as baby was back to back and I was tachycardic. It was quite traumatic but we got him here safely.

I tried breast feeding with him from the outset but he has tongue tie and I have 34H boobs with flat/inverted nipples. He has never been able to latch at all...even using nipple shields he would just clamp down with his gums...which really effing hurts!

I really wanted to breastfeed so the breastfeeding team lent me a hospital grade pump at day 3, which I had for a week and have since hired one through Medela. I've been able to pump enough for a feed each time but it actually hurts and depresses me because I feel I am not getting to spend enough time with my baby, so have sometimes skipped a pumping session a day to give him a formula bottle and spend some quality time with him.

This afternoon I just broke down in hysterics crying at my husband as I am finding it all so difficult and feel I need to give up and formula feed, despite wanting to give him my milk so badly. Husband is wonderful, he says he will support my decision as he just wants me to be happy.

My MIL has been a bit of a wanker, constantly asking when I'm going to start breastfeeding 'properly' and making remarks about how he'll surely be able to latch as he gets older/stronger etc. She's massively and militantly anti formula and pretty much views formula feeding mothers as selfish and lazy. So there'll be a massive backlash from her.

My own mum is awesome...of the 'happy mum = happy baby' school of thought.

I just feel like a big, shitty failure, nothing has gone the way I wanted it and I worry that PND is never far away. I know breast is best but also that formula is not the devil...but I worry that I'm being selfish moving him onto formula.

Hold my hand, please.

I was so hard on myself and did breast feed but it was more an endurance challenge. My hormonal brain felt such a failure that I kept at it. Doesn't really make any sense as I was formula fed and I've never thought any less of my mum.

Do what's right for your sanity. Have a cup of tea, and calmly think what you'd actually like to do moving forward. Oh and if anyone comments tell them to fuck off - I'm not a sweary person but honestly people have no idea how insensitive they are.

Motherhood is all about compromising between the ideal in your head (usually impossibly high) and the reality you are dealing with. It's your body, your baby and you should not feel an ounce of guilt for choosing the best way (for you) to feed her. If you want to persevere with breastfeeding get the support you need. If you decide to use formula, pick up the bottle. Your baby will remember the cuddles.

I attempted to BF DD1 for 5 days. I'd had a traumatic birth and was ill afterwards. DD1 was basically destroying my nipples and getting more blood than milk. I was crying every time she woke up as I knew it meant pain. We switched completely to formula. I then read up on the differences between BF and FF and concluded that they were small enough not to really care. Particularly for a full term baby, in a developed country with formula made up according to the NHS guidelines.

It's anecdotal, but DD1 is probably the healthiest child I know. One we'd switched, I felt like a massive weight had come off my shoulders.

Doesn't matter how you're feeding your baby as long as he's being fed

Congratulations, OP.

Solely expressing for 2 weeks is bloody hard work, if I am reading this right.

It may be that he might latch now, if you want to try (with the support of a breastfeeding counsellor or similar) - things can change a lot with a tiny baby in 2 weeks. Or you might want to consider mixed feeding. Doesn't have to be all or nothing.

I can't imagine anything less selfish than just wanting to spend time with your new baby though. Do what you want to do and ignore your frankly insane MIL!

Please don't feel guilty over how you go forward and celebrate that you have given your baby a really great start.

Topsyt your name calling of breastfeeding advocates as breastapo is exactly what causes the divides in mothers :-(

Thank you so much to all for your kind words and supportive advice. You have no idea how much it means to me...makes all the difference to hear that I am not a failure and that there is positivity toward my situation.

I am currently thinking of reducing my expressed feeds to 1 x morning 1 afternoon and 1 x evening feed and the rest formula feeds, and just see how I get on with that for a while - for the sake of my sanity if nothing else!

I've been able to spend the morning gazing at my beautiful son's face without the stress of having to worry about putting him down in order to pump. He's asleep now so will hook myself up to the milking machine an get his afternoon feed lined up.

Really feeling a lot more positive today. Thank you all

I felt guilty about not breastfeeding too. I had a c-section and I was so set on breastfeeding. The pain from the c-section plus the pain of my son trying to latch on was just too much for me. I felt like I wasn't enjoying my baby so made the decision to formula feed.

I was ridden with guilt for about 6 months until I finally realized, he's fine :) He loves his formula and to be honest he really can't tell the difference. I don't let it bother me anymore because now he's onto solids and he's lost a lot of interest in his formula. He has teeth now too and ...well...lol. If it was painful before I can't imagine with teeth. I guess my point is, before you know it your baby will be eating food a lot sooner than you think and one day you will look back to feeling this way and realize you are an awesome mom :) Ignore people who pressure you into breastfeeding. Do what's right for you and your baby and for me it was "enjoying my baby's first months of life" and I really did!

Also would like to mention I tried the breastpump and was able to do that for about a month or so but hardly anything came out. My nipples actually started bleeding. Once I realized it felt like I was pumping out blood instead of formula I gave up on the whole thing. I cried for a bit feeling just how you feel, but please don't let this get you down. My son is fine and I actually bonded with him just fine feeding him formula :)

TheABC is so, so right. The big gap between the ideal we have in our head and the reality of parenting, is a chasm filled with guilt, PND, PTSD, regrets and sadness. What you have to do is bridge that gap.

You know what, I'm going to go against the grain here and say it's okay to feel sad about things which aren't how you wanted them to be. It's probably quite important to acknowledge you're sad and to allow yourself to feel that way. It's part of life. When one door closes, it's probably quite healthy to pause and acknowledge that happening. At the same time, you have to balance this against a celebration of what IS happening. I think you can re-frame it. Because you're sad about breastfeeding not working out, it doesn't mean the formula isn't a nourishing, brilliant, life-saving alternative. I might desperately have wanted a normal delivery and I can be sad that I won't ever know what that feels like but that doesn't mean that my CS wasn't an empowering, wonderful and life-saving op.

What we want (in life in general as well as in parenting) has to be balanced against what we need. It's never perfect. It's never simple. Somewhere in the compromise, you find your own way. It doesn't ever match the way you pictured it but it doesn't meant that every day you can't find something wonderful in the bits you didn't plan.

You already know that the guilt is ridiculous and undeserved but you can't think your way out of it logically. You have to feel it too. You will. You already are. You sound so much more positive today.

And your MIL can bog off.

That's such a lovely post PermetsTu

Horrible birth here too (so much for ball bouncing and pools!) and I gave up breastfeeding after 5 days.

If you can do it then it is the most awesome thing in the world and I have full admiration but its not that easy for everyone. There are advantages to ff, having help at night time is one! I cried many a tear at what I thought was my failing but my DS is almost one and thriving. If you have decided to cut down or stop then embrace it and concentrate on enjoying your baby. There will always be plenty of things to feel guilty for (I still havent forgiven myself for the day he face planted off the sofa).

The best quote I read was on here, it was along the lines of 'its formula not crack'.

I bf mine with no problems at all for 3 months each but stopped simply because I had had enough. How's that for selfishness? I felt terribly guilty I had put my own needs first for a while, but as we settled into a ff regime I never had regrets about stopping feeding became less of a chore.
DC are now 12 and 10 and I can now laugh at those precious hours I wasted beating myself up about not carrying on by. How you feed your child is a miniscule part of their upbringing, and I will guarantee that by 4-5 months you will have moved onto a whole new set of worries anyway, as you will as 18 months, 3 years etc. Do what suits you and you alone.

I never even gave bf a try with any of my 3 dc I'll probably get shot down for saying this but the thought of a baby hanging off me 24^7 actually filled me with dread. As I said further up I've not got any less of a bond with my children because their mouth was a few inches away from my nipple it was still Me feeding and cuddling them at the same time. My dc are just fine I feel no guilt at all for ff, I know bf is natural but it just wasn't for me at all.

I totally agree with fffffffedup.

My only regret about breastfeeding was that I ever agreed to try it at all.

I didn't repeat the same mistake when I had DD2 and DD3. They had formula right from the word go and life was so much better.

you're allowed to be disappointed, you wanted to do it 'all'.

I'm in the happy mum happy baby camp. I didn't feed my first 3 as it didn't suit . I needed the flexibility formula feeding gave. I fed no4 & combi fed from early days just so I wouldn't get anti formula . I was afraid of getting sucked into the ebf hype . It can get inside your head very quickly & turn normal sane women into blubbering messes.

your mil is a cow pardon the pun and your dh needs to mark her card.

I bf exclusively for 18 months and it was not a walk in the park. A complicated extended labour, I suffered post birth infections and my baby was put in a pavlik harness at one week old. This meant having to relearn how to feed her and the HV advised I switch to formula.

Breaatfeeding hurt so much for the first 3 weeks I would have to bite down on a hairbrush each time she latched on. nipple shields, lansinoh cream and every possible position didn't help the pain, I jut had to wait until my nipples got tough.

A few months into it and I felt a social misfit at times because other people felt uncomfortable at my breastfeeding and would leave the room. I was knackered because my husband couldn't help with the feeds. And I felt lonely because all my other mum friends had switched to formula by then.

My point is this...breastfeeding is not easy, it doesn't come naturally to everyone, the guilt is a complete bastard and messes with your head every single day. It's tough. I persevered BECAUSE the HV told me to switch to formula and I didn't want to be told how to feed my child.

When she didn't need me in that way any more I felt sad and happy at once. Happy for the precious journey we had shared together, that nobody else had with her. Sad it had come to it's natural end. And so bloody proud of myself.

A couple of weeks after stopping breastfeeding I began to feel like the old me. The pre-pregnancy me & it felt great. I could not believe that all the hormones involved in pregnancy contined in breastfeeding and were having such a profound affect on my mental health. I just thought that's what it was like to have a child.

I know this is a long response but I hope to have helped you in some way OP. It's such a personal decision and what I have described above would have really helped me had someone told me the same when I was 'in it'.

Also. Don't sweat the small stuff. This is small stuff my lovely!

I had a very similar shitty start to BF with 3 children and I only managed to BF number 3 in the end. I had the very same issues as you. it is so difficult to find the right person and solutions in the situation you are in. If you do not have that person there who can help resolve your issues to be honest there is nothing more you can do. In my case it took 3 babies before I found that person they are like hens teeth. If you want to PM I can tell you some of the things that eventually worked for me but they may not be right for you and it sounds like you are done.

I am sorry you are in that place it is head wrecking but it is not your fault and you have done everything in your power to make things better so you have to give yourself a break. Enjoy your baby and congratulations.

Ff by choice with my twins much to mil's disapproval. My children, my body, my choice! I tried mix feeding, but it was too much for me with two. No one should ever feel guilt about how they feed their babies. Enjoy your new baby

My dc are 20 and 17 now. Midwives and health visitors chanted a mantra then. I don't know if they still do. I remember being told all women could breast feed and it was entirely natural and much easier than bottle feeding which was cumbersome and difficult. Um, not if feeds last for two hours, leave you exhausted and in pain. When I asked for help they read a leaflet and said "I'm not an expert, phone the nct". When I asked how they could tell women to breastfeed if they weren't expert enough to answer questions they became very defensive. I became very depressed.

I am so glad the tide seems to be turning. Yep, breast is best when the baby gets enough milk and sleep, the mother gets enough sleep and isn't in pain and when the nct bf counsellor doesn't say "if it's really painful, you could always take paracetamol half an hour before a feed to take the edge off "right, great".

Really hope there will soon be formula champions on helplines to help and support women who need to make the change.

Long live choice :)

I nearly drove myself insane (literally) trying to breastfeed dd1. I eventually threw in the towel at 13 weeks although continued to express a couple of feeds a day until 5 months.
6 years on and I can honestly say I wish I'd given up earlier. I don't think dd gained anything (least of all any weight) from my stubbornness.
Bottle feeding is lovely-you can look into your baby's eyes and snuggle them up close.
It's also nice to not have to be the one attached to the baby for every single feed. Plus ime they do tend to sleep slightly better which is another bonus for your mental health.

I also had the formula guilt. I ha d expressed from 36weeks and by the time I gave birth I had 100ml colostrum. This was great as my baby was in neonatal unit for 9 days, and paediatric ward for a further few, ng tube fed for the first few days. I got him off ng tube feeds and exclusively breastfeeding in 24hours. I was unwell and needed a fair amount of antibiotics which passed through the breastmilk. He got horrendous diarrhoea and then refused to feed. I tried expressing but could never express much by this stage. By 3weeks I was a mess and hated the feeding fight. I don't feel like I got much support in NNU or from the health visitor and my mam in the end said to me that something had to give as I could go on crying over feeds. She was right, it was ridiculous. I gave formula and he thrived, although then developed a cow milk protein allergy and reflux. I hated formula feeding...I was embarrassed to do it in public. 14months down the line I am pleased to have him on cows milk, but still hate myself for giving up breastfeeding.

Enjoying your baby and feeling happy is the most important thing. Please don't feel guilty, whatever decision you make

But as for the sleeping better..its rubbish. My boy slept max 45mins in a go for the first 10months.