Formula feeding guilt.

[Spitoon]

I have a very beautiful 19 day old son. We had a really difficult birth- natural home water birth that went wrong, ending in epidural/episiotomy/ventouse as baby was back to back and I was tachycardic. It was quite traumatic but we got him here safely.

I tried breast feeding with him from the outset but he has tongue tie and I have 34H boobs with flat/inverted nipples. He has never been able to latch at all...even using nipple shields he would just clamp down with his gums...which really effing hurts!

I really wanted to breastfeed so the breastfeeding team lent me a hospital grade pump at day 3, which I had for a week and have since hired one through Medela. I've been able to pump enough for a feed each time but it actually hurts and depresses me because I feel I am not getting to spend enough time with my baby, so have sometimes skipped a pumping session a day to give him a formula bottle and spend some quality time with him.

This afternoon I just broke down in hysterics crying at my husband as I am finding it all so difficult and feel I need to give up and formula feed, despite wanting to give him my milk so badly. Husband is wonderful, he says he will support my decision as he just wants me to be happy.

My MIL has been a bit of a wanker, constantly asking when I'm going to start breastfeeding 'properly' and making remarks about how he'll surely be able to latch as he gets older/stronger etc. She's massively and militantly anti formula and pretty much views formula feeding mothers as selfish and lazy. So there'll be a massive backlash from her.

My own mum is awesome...of the 'happy mum = happy baby' school of thought.

I just feel like a big, shitty failure, nothing has gone the way I wanted it and I worry that PND is never far away. I know breast is best but also that formula is not the devil...but I worry that I'm being selfish moving him onto formula.

Hold my hand, please.

Poor you: I remember this with my first, same big boobs and flat nipples and same unhelpful anti formula mil. Please please don't do this to yourself : all that matters is your baby eats in whatever way works for you, formula is not poison and a mix of formula and expressed Breast milk is fine. My Dd is almost 3 and she is lovely- doesn't get Ill more than any other child, on target of not a little ahead in her milestones. I'm now formula feeding my Ds and he is also fine! Start enjoying your baby - you won't get this time back and milk feeding will be a distant memory in no time.

A massive thank you to everyone who has shared their experiences on this thread. You have done wonders for my self esteem and sanity.

Your mum is right, and your mil is a wanker.

I had prem twins, I expressed while they were in SCBU, getting progressivley less and less milk as it never came in properly and it took bloody hours and I was getting more and more upset seeing other people's milk filling up the fridges in the unit. As soon as they came home I gave it up and it was the best thing I did.

Do what is right for you and your baby, and if that's FF so what.

Goood luck.

Spitoon - you will never escape the breastfeeding guilt it's impossible, midwives, judgy mums, in laws, quite frankly they can all piss off! Your baby is here safe that is all that bloody matters, I have read up on the subject so so much and there really is so little scientific evidence of the massive advantages, so try not to feel too much guilt.

Formula enables you to feed, or family/friends/partner to feed which means you can have a rest/shower/sleep! With formula you can see how much they have had, which means crying after a big bottle isn't hunger so you can tick that off the list and makes it easier to figure them out, this relaxed me so much knowing they were full. You won't need to feed loads and loads thought the night, usually a big bottle before bed will buy you a couple of hours sleep!

There are loads of benefits, formula is great, my DS is happy, very healthy with great teeth.

Enjoy your DS, breast feeding doesn't make you super mum at all and some militant breast feeding mums like your MIL seem to think they are better and make new mums feel bloody awful. I know a few mums that breastfed for a year and now feed their kids chicken nuggets and pizza every night for the next 3years because they are fussy eaters, but still brag about how they breast fed for a year I would much rather formula feed and spend the next few years establising healthy eating.

Congratulations on your new baby

Sometimes it just doesn't work out. It isn't the end of the world. Don't miss out on those precious early weeks because you are upset about feeding.
I have 4 DC and I formula fed DC2 because I had enough on my plate with very little support. I did what was best for us at the time and I don't regret it. Your mum is right.

Your mil sounds like a nasty piece of work, she needs putting in her place now so she doesn't interfere wherever she fancies for the next 18 years.

In terms of the latch have you had help from anyone like laleche league or anyone like that? Just asking, not an expert but your baby is still v tiny and maybe there is a position that works..... Or maybe not.

FWIW I tried and failed dismally with both of mine I beat myself up horribly with dd1 thinking about how I could have done it differently and ended up with pnd. I'm glad I didn't have a breastapo mil to contend with on top. Dd2 was easier because I realised that in my first 2 weeks as a mum to dd1 I made the right decision and that my instinct was right. I found it hard though and people saying ' don't beat yourself up' made me feel worse not better.