help! at wits end

[cloud9]

hi - i wondered if anyone could help with this please? my son just turned 4, started new nursery in sept. thought he was settling in ok, he says he really likes it but today was the second time i've been called in about his behaviour. been pushing and being rough with other kids when no teachers around, esp in toilet where they are unsupervised. this time another parent complained that her child is afraid to go to the toilet. he knows it's wrong, and it upsets them but won't/can't tell me why he's doing it. not specific to any child- just seems random. no amount of explaining to him seems to be working. tried all tactics i have- any advice please? spent most of afternoon in tears cos feel like it's my fault.(he's also very kind and affectionate-esp to his little sister)

I am not sure that unsupervised toilets in a nursery are a good idea?! At the very least, children should have to ask to go, and only go in 2s, so that staff know where everyone is and with whom.

i know, but none of the other kids seem to be doing this!

how do you know none of the others do it? my ds(5) was quite badly behaved at nursery, i used to despair and cry about it. your son is only little. in the end a really good teacher has made my son's behavior better (or just time!) please don't blame yourself!

oh i also used a star chart which worked! not all the time, but more hits than misses

thanks southeastastra, helps to know i'm not the only one, will definitely try star chart-he seems to be picking his times when no-one will see him, which is partly why i know he realises it is wrong- i guess no other children have been seen doing this, and several have said that he has pushed them-seems unprovoked and don't know why

but also wonder if i'm blowing it out of proportion-am i making it worse by going on at him about it? is it 'normal' for him to do this?-am very worried about how to deal with it and it's really getting me down

i know i went on and on at my son too. mine was doing it out of frustration, his first reaction to any situation he didn't like was to hit/bite.

can you talk to the teacher about it? mine gave him some guidelines to follow and took time to explain changes/routines of the day to him.

a very experienced nursery nurse once told me, after I had got upset because no 1 son had been pissing about, that they all do something. One will be a biter, another a pusher, another the uber bossy girl, another won't share, another won't wee in the right place, etc, etc. It did make me feel much better when my son came home with huge bite marks on his face from a child who happened to be the nursery owner's son! He still remembers it and he's 11 now! so although your son is pushing and shoving in the loos someone else is probablly being revolting as well. Perhaps he feels a bit insecure - maybe another kid is opening doors, or it is a bit off putting for lots of people to go to the loo away from home - perhaps this is a way of covering this up. One way to overcome it if you are feeling up to it is to tell him very firmly that if he continues to mess around in the loo he will have to go back to having a potty. sometimes putting a bit of fear into them is not such a bad thing. Also, make sure the nursery send him only with one other or on his own - problem cured I would have thought. If it makes you feel any better I got told by my son's reception teacher once that he and another boy had been lying on the floor trying to look under the cubical doors! He's just being a bit of a boy and frankley I think it is partly up to the nursery to think of a way round it - its behaviour which is only happening in one place, at one time and only there.

Good luck

thank you both so much-i'm feeling a wee bit more rational today! amazing how complaints about about my first-born can have me reduced to a wreck...nursery are being v good-they've come up with some of the strategies you've both suggested and it really helps to hear what you've been thru. i think maybe he is insecure- and wanting to be more of a baby-when he sees me feeding his sister, he wants to do the same-stuff like that. don't think he's feels quite ready to do all the things expected at his age. i know how he feels!