4 year old manners / rudeness

[suddenlycupishalffull]

DS is generally v polite, pre-school have no issues with him etc but I'm finding it hard to guide him effectively and would love some tips. For some reason, he can sometimes take against MIL & will refuse to say goodbye, even sometimes saying 'I'm not talking to her!' There's lots of 'go away/he can't play with my toys etc' with little brother but to be fair DS2 is going through a hitting & pulling hair phase so I can see where that's coming from. With a little friend who is a year younger, he still struggles to share when we are in a home environment (again, this isn't an issue at school that I know of). It's more the occasional rudeness, with MIL for example, that I struggle with. I tend to pull him over, tell him words hurt & people don't want to play with you if you are mean because unkind words hurt...all of which I fear is falling on deaf ears at the moment. Any suggestions?

Don't be too discouraged as this sound like a very normal phase and he will in time take it in. I generally have a quiet word with DS before situations I anticipate- or a gentle word after if I was disappointed to say how it made MiL feel

Thank you, I have started saying 'this is how we behave at such and such an event' (a party or whatever) and generally he's fine, it's just when the unexpected things come out and it's more often than not with people we are close to, Grandparents etc...I forgot to add that 'stupid' is something else he's picked up that drives me nuts & no amount of telling her to say 'silly' etc will work, because he knows it bothers me so I often here it hissed at sibling was called stupid by a teacher repeatedly so this one really presses my buttons!!